All Comments on 'Before He was Him'

by vrosej10

Sort by:
  • 5 Comments
twelveoonetwelveooneover 13 years ago
*

for starters end the first line either here

tree dahlias in bloom, fifteen feet tall

and straight as

or here

tree dahlias in bloom, fifteen feet tall and straight

as

but after that I don't know what you are trying to do

HAMFANHAMFANabout 13 years ago

I agree with 12 with this caveat - I perhaps see something like the memory of then and now, youth and age and ... this is the part that got me thinking ... the way in which our children are part of an us when young and gradually grow apart from us (a single us I note) in time.

But... it still needs to be worked up more; as it stands what I'm seeing is too faint.

After my disaster with fridayam I didnt want to vote V

buttersbuttersabout 13 years ago
your title has me thinking

is this a 'before he grew into his own identity', or more a 'before he grew into the ways of his father'?

somehow i see the second thought coming through, with the (not uncommon) grunt and fridge-raid, the taking over the asking...

the one phrase i thought stood out, vrose, was this one:

but it's winter when I close the album

that speaks to me of a deep inner chill, a loss, a letting go...

i'd also tinker with the line-breaks, though wonder if you chose the layout to make it read as if the narrator is more prosaic, less emotionally attached than them looking back at the images of the infant would suggest.

vrosej10vrosej10about 13 years agoAuthor
Yey Chippy!

Got it in one. It's about mourning my son's babyhood.

tazz317tazz317almost 12 years ago
THE LIFE OF CHILDREN

remembered by parents. TK U MLJ LV NV

Anonymous
Our Comments Policy is available in the Lit FAQ
Post as:
Anonymous