All Comments on 'What You Wish For Pt. 06'

by Rehnquist

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  • 680 Comments
ohioohioabout 13 years ago
Great from start to finish

Beautifully written, rich and detailed, very involving, with a wonderful, if sentimental, ending--and what's wrong with sentimental? All the best to Tyler and Marisa, let's hear it for his Honor, and let's hope for more new stories very soon!

Thanks,

ohio

KirkelKirkelabout 13 years ago
PLEASE

Don't let it end.

I know you're finished,(gotta love a story that finally gets to an end) but now you can take a few of those side dishes and work on making a meal out of them.

Obvious to me that you've got the makings of a series here. Isn't what the public wants? So go out, start the series, sign them," the Judge" and then those in the know will buy them 1st editions and you'll have a money making hobby.

Don't stop here though.

Loved it.

Rob

MIK3LMIK3Labout 13 years ago
good?

One of the best, and your best so far.

I do believe your female characters were well developed, from Kristin to his mother. The all 'felt' real to me.

I would like to 'hear' more about the books and movies sales and progress but that would be a totally new story line.

Thank you.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Thank you

I loved it! I knew Marissa would clean up her act for the party, however I never had a clue how you would write it. Well played! <P>

Backed in 2007 , a serial story captivated me. It was posted daily for 22 straight days. I used to get up at 4:30 to read it before my morning workout. I never thought I would feel that way again. Your characterisations of the females were really excellent. I was so glad you worked the mother into the mix. <P>

The ending worked perfectly for me.

Harryin VAHarryin VAabout 13 years ago
The singular point is the difference between Kirstin vs Marisa

Tis is why the ending works. Kirsten left because she was bored and she seemed to have had a fairy tale life that was devoid of any real trauma or turmoil. Marisa left because she has been to a lot of pain and personal rejection which we don't know a whole lot about (but we can surmise).

I think the reaction Maria had -- her apprehension and anxiety - in meeting Kirstin and his other friends at the Friday evening get together made her running before the big book signing a lot more believable.

Personally if it was me... I probably would not have chased after her. On the other hand the comment from the mother asking Tyler if he had actually told her that He Love Her (Marisa) is a pretty telling point.

In addition the dialog between Tyler and his friends and even the Hollywood stars it is reasonable without being over the top . This is sort of a pet peeve of mine because the the number one problem I find in serious LW stories is the male dialog which is often overdone to the nth degree th th th even with some really fine authors/ writers. Most enjoyably Rehnquist usually gets this part of the story down just write which is why I in my view his dialogue and conversations.... especially between men ---is very Robert B Parker like.

For what it's worth I think Kirsten is ability to figure out that if in fact she said something to sabotage the relationship between Marisa and Tyler.... it would end ANY relationship between her and Tyler and harm their son deeoply.. shows more significant growth in her personality and character.

Maybe maybe just maybe... she has a Core of decent person in there trying to fight its way out after all.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
SUPERB !!

This is an example of what good writing is allabout---I could not wait to see the next chapter-and the next--

Well Done!!

Thanks,

Sam

katranmankatranmanabout 13 years ago
Wow

Tremendous writing, and the story flowed nicely from beginning to end with no awkward transitions. The female character development was very well done particularly the one with Tyler's mother in the last chapter.

Please keep writing, it's a pleasure to read your work. I'm sad to see this story end but I will being looking forward to the next one.

gatorhermitgatorhermitabout 13 years ago
This story put a big smile on my face

I liked the plot and the ending (even though the author did kind of telegraph what was likely to happen). Pacing was about right. Great fantasy!

riskconsultantriskconsultantabout 13 years ago
Great Story

You have grown as a writer. I have enjoyed each of your stories more as you have submitted them. As has been previously stated by other commentators, please continue to favor us with more stories.

Thanks for a really good read.

Tomba56Tomba56about 13 years ago
Just Great

I'm very pleased to find story with a beginning and an end, especially with characters that were developed enough to allow the reader to care about their lives. I've read all your postings and this is your best work by far. Please consider these characters in future works, maybe as "extras" in another story with Kristen or Susan as the feature. Tyler and Marisa are going to be interacting with both for a long time and it would be a pleasure to check back in with them from time to time. Thanks again for a superior read.

grunabonagrunabonaabout 13 years ago
*****

Five. And, even though you've asked for additional constructive criticism, I think I'll let what little I've attempted suffice.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Rehnquist - Question

I'm a reader ( and a fan ) who does not like to begin a story until it is posted completely. I may have missed the information ( and probably did ) but how many more chapters do you have to post until the story is complete?

Thanks!

BigJohn601BigJohn601about 13 years ago
A conclusion worth waiting for.......

I felt Marissa would end up being the best match for Tyler because they both had suffered rejection and the shared pain gave them a starting point. Marissa intellect matched Tyler's and her attention to detail and her skill of observing human interaction allowed her to see the obvious. It was Marissa that could see that Kristin's child was Tyler. Her brains made her an object of desire to men that had never met her. Congratulations on a great story and series. Looking forward to future postings. Let's hope that between filing and reading briefs that you'll have time to give us more. A sequel would be appreciated.

mrreworkmrreworkabout 13 years ago
Great Story

I liked the way the story flowed and didn't give you time to forget who was who and their place in the story. All in all a very captivating story. Thanks and hope to read more from you in the near future.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Humbly Submitted

Your fine writing and plot development obviously do not need my limited ideas. Yet, here are my suggestions, which I humbly submit, for a continuing set of stories. First, Kristin has grown as a human being, needs love, and still has to raise a son without a man in the house. She certainly could be invited to an event connected with Tyler's book or movie and, with her great looks as a starter, meet someone who could complete her, perhaps with his own child. That would give you some room for Tyler to feel jealous at least as to Ben's love.

Secondly, Marisa's new conventional and beautiful appearance attracts men. Now, though, she can be confident in herself with Tyler's love and perhaps face temptation from someone associated with the movie she is helping to write. We could then learn more about Marisa's past hurts and see how her new suitor or shark puts more pressure on Tyler: can it happen again to him? I think she would stay true to him, but there would be room for major tension until the final.

AnotherClosetReaderAnotherClosetReaderabout 13 years ago
Antici...

...pation as Dr. Frank-N-Furter would say. Gotta love it.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Great job!

I too have read all of your stories and this one was the best. I enjoyed it tremendously and thought your desire to flesh out the female characters enabled you to grow as a writer. I felt I knew Susan and Marisa and Kristen and Allie and while your decision to have Marisa drop her Goth personal was predictable and expected, I could still visualize the reactions you described when she walked in to the book party. Please continue writing and use ALL these characters in other stories!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Excellent

I can only reinforce what others have said. Your female character development is the best: realistic, believable, consistent yet changing and growing. I did end up liking Kristin, as well as all of the other female characters. The only somewhat negative comment: Tyler was almost too good, a real super hero. But since I am a 72 year old male chauvinist thats ok.

I read a lot on this site, I have never given a 5 but I did this time.pls keep writing

leviayersleviayersabout 13 years ago

I've enjoyed many stories on literotica, including your others. Not being a critic or editor, I don't feel qualified to comment on character development like you requested. As a fan, I feel comfortable to comment: Great story. Easy read. Characters felt real. Really enjoyed your work. I'm very glad you submitted this story in short order, cause like you, I'm also getting impatient with Mr DanielQSteele's nest chapter. Thank you for the effort you put into my reading pleasure.

Sidney43Sidney43about 13 years ago
Sigh!

Kristen said, "Just watching my dreams shatter."

One of the best lines I have read in some time. That line summed up the entire disaster that "was" a marriage.

OK, you asked for comments on the character development of the women in the story. In a word (or two) well done. I got to see them as multi-dimensional characters and not just big breasted females who assumed a horizontal position on occasion. Actually, you did something else with your female characters, you made me like them even if they started out being unlikeable and that is hard to do.

Marisa: I realized that you were going to have Tyler end up with her and given his talent as an author, there is a good fit. My heart is still with Susan for some reason, so I am left with a bittersweet taste as the story ends. One irrational reason for this is that I hate tatoo's on women, particularly around their sexual essence. Thirty years down the road, that tatoo will look like shit, but a lot of people are going to find that out in real life.

Please write another, you are very talented.

MissouriUSAMissouriUSAabout 13 years ago
It was a great story!

It was a great story! Thanks again for sharing it with us.

I think that you did a good job of redeeming Kristin though. This was a better ending, make no mistake. But I could see that it would have been possible for Tyler and Kristin to reconcile if Marisa had not come into his life. You brought Kristin back to the point where the reconciliation might not have been so difficult to swallow.

Great ending! Great Story! Thanks Rehnquist!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
you need no feedback

you need no feedback on this, because you nailed it.

i would have paid to have read this, actually, i have a feeling that someday soon, i just may (to reread)

that's how great it is

thank you for sharing it with us...

wahoo4895wahoo4895about 13 years ago
excellent

followup...stories with continuing characters would be great.

lisbeth salander?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Good but could have been great

You had an interesting storyline but somehow the middle and some of the latter chapters are not as good as the promising start. You seemed to be dropping the ball a bit there.

Also I miss some decent closure to the story. It feels as if an epilogue is needed to round up the story. How do Tyler and Marisa fare. What happens to the other characters and Tyler's relation to them. That's what I find lacking.

It's a good story that could have been really great.

toesmantoesmanabout 13 years ago
Fan-F**king-tastic

Like you, I'm an attorney; & in fact, I'm working on my next appellate brief right now (well, just not right this minute - I stopped to read this last installment). You're writing is just fantastic; I really enjoyed this work in particular. Your female characters in particular are very well articulated & alive. I wonder how you find the time to write; I spend so much time writing non-fiction professionally like you, but I've started about 7 different stories, but can't seem to find the time to finish them. Anyway, thanks for your stories, I hope you keep going, you've just gotten better in each posting.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
well written

story overall was very good, good characters for a short story. My only thoughts were Kristin's behaviour. The sudden change from selfishness & lies to remorse was a bit quick. I think most of the elements of real life situation were there but not explained enough, time line was too quick for me to be totally realistic, but that's just me perhaps. People like Kristin's character usually defend their shity behaviour to the last and then when the world drops out beneath them they wonder why and take a lot of time to accept they did it to themselves & family & friends. It may have been interesting to have explored this process. just my 2c worth lol

levans2levans2about 13 years ago
You did it!

I don't usually comment on stories... even if I love them, but you shamed me into this one!

I have enjoyed all your stories for the plots, the characters, the pure energy that you've put into them... plus the sex of course! This is an erotic site.

"What you wish for" is the best you've done. I believed your women and agree with one reader when he said that Kristen's line about dreams shattering was the best ever!

Keep up the good work!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Very very nice.

Can;t say you portrayed women correctly as I am male and never understood them. The story was wonderful, and one of the best I've read. Please continue writing stories.

Not a criticism, but the ending didn't leave me with the feeling I experienced reading the rest of the story. Just not quite fulfilled, for lack of a better term. Maybe because the rest of the story was so interesting I expected more of a BANG at the end.

BobNbobbiBobNbobbiabout 13 years ago
The ending . . .

. . . is just a little inconsistent in my mind. It's not inconsistent with Tyler, he was a hopeless romantic from the start. I think mostly inconsistent using Marisa - Princess of Hardbitten. The question really is this, does every girl, no matter how much she rejects the Barbie dress up notion still retain that in her genetic structure? If she does then I am wrong, but if that is culturally learned it can be culturally rejected. The only way Marisa fits into this last chapter is the reference to Carl Hiaason. He can and does write characters just like Marisa's Goth to Butterfly. I love his books but they take forever to read because I have to stop and grin or burst out laughing so often.

About your women, you have done well. I wish I could create them as rich as you have. The only scene I questioned at all, and only question, not reject, was the party scene. Women can be accepting of an outsider as Allisyn, Kristen and their female friends were to Marisa, but that happens infrequently. Let's face it, women are catty to each other in competative situations. Still, the way you wrote the scene showed recognition of that in the way Tyler observed from his vantage.

On the whole, a very nice story Chief Justice, and I will be among the many who await your next venture. I guess I better get to work and finish the two I have in the fire. 'Till next time.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago

The scene with clint eastwood and stephen king was a bit campy and over the top. I read somewhere that Stephen king is almost legally blind. I didn't see much in the way of better developed female characters just more of them in the central focus of the story. Kristin was an empty character, Susan was shallow and marisa lacked any explanation as to why she was so scared or why she felt the need to hide behind the goth facade. It was still a good story and you told it well. I enjoyed all of it but felt the ending was a bit abrupt and lacking.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
The Uusual 5

Knew it...from chapter three on, you'd find a way to justify Susan - you dared us to guess...nice job!

Also knew that Marissa would dress stunningly as a beautiful fox for him in the end...again - nice job!

Thanks!

livnthechilifelivnthechilifeabout 13 years ago

I tried to read slowly so it would last. Didn't work out so well. I knew it was Marisa. I'm just glad Susan found someone. The women were well represented and fleshed out. Especially Kristin. You did a fabulous job. Thanks for redeeming Kristin instead of making her the cliched cheating wife with no heart. The reality is a lot of women tend to finally grow up once they become mothers and she was no different. Excellent job. This is why you're in my favorites.

t_i_n_at_i_n_aabout 13 years ago
loose ends

My first thought was disappointment at the undefined loose ends of the major characters...but then I thought that you are right to leave them to the imagination of the reader. Ok, maybe one exception...Ben is the innocent here, and it would be comforting to know he makes out well.

Great job!

grogers7grogers7about 13 years ago
Did you develop your women's character ?

Yes. Artfully. Not through narrative or reference to external events, but through their actions and their dialogue. I know it is harder to do, and the temptation before achieving your level of art is to fall back on short cuts. Having achieved this level of smooth character development within the natural flow of the story, you will want to continue and improve yet more. You know the reward of the feeling of accomplishment before the critics and readers respond with praise. They confirm your feelings, but do not originate them. There are men's characters to develop. No criticism, you did well -- you can do better. I encourage to put in the time and effort to grow in your art. I enjoy it greatly.

Thanks.

bruce22bruce22about 13 years ago
A Worthy Investment of your time

though how you find the time is beyond me... Beautiful work. Like Tyler we all lost our hatred for Kristin but we would not want her on our six in the future. Ben will come through great, if they can avoid spoiling him..

Thanks again for your hard work.

RehnquistRehnquistabout 13 years agoAuthor
Author's Notes

First, really people, thank you very much for all of your comments, both good and bad. I've written quite a few here before, and nothing has garnered nearly this type of commenting. Now I know how DQS feels!

And while we're on DQS, you should all know that I tease him only in pure jest. He is probably--no, definitely--one of my three favorite authors currently posting in this genre routinely. (The other two shouldn't be hard to figure out: HDK and Ohio.) Yes, we're all aggravated he doesn't post a new chapter of WWWM every day, but the chapters he does post are extraordinary.

Now a few comments on my thought process during the story. (No, these aren't defenses; they're just what I was thinking.)

1. Tyler as superhero. Actually, HDK and I exchanged several e-mails on this theme early on. My thoughts are simple: Sorry, but I want my characters to all be just a little bit better than average. Think of the Jack Reacher series by Lee Child or Tom Clancy's superhero who goes from CIA analyst to head of the CIA to the White House and can do everything in between. Realistic? No. But fun. And also, Tyler really only did a few things really well. He was a bond salesman, which means he did his job well. He did woodworking, but he learned from his father while in his early teens. And he could write, but he'd been writing from a young age and his college major was geared at that love. I myself am a (somewhat) successful attorney, write these stories (which, granted, aren't bestsellers), played lead guitar in a band for 11 years, do woodworking and actually designed and built half the furniture in my house, and do all of the cooking in my house at the level practiced by Tim in my last series, The Bar and Grill. Am I a superstar at any of these? No, but I can do them all very well, and I'm sure most--if not all--of you can similarly make a list of hobbies and things you can similarly do well. So sure, he's a bit too good at many things, but he's at least interesting because of it.

2. Kristin redeemed. I was amazed at how much e-mail correspondence I received seeking a reconciliation. Sorry, that was never my approach. But she did grow during the story, and many at least didn't want to choke her to death by the end. Should Tyler have re-married her? Hell no. Read the conversation with Mom and ask yourself: Would she have ever told Tyler about Ben if he hadn't forced the issue, and would she have ever wanted him back if Randy hadn't taken off? Where the answers to both are know, friendly relations in raising Ben seems enough.

3. Susan. My God, you people really throw me for a loop sometimes! Susan he first met on a one-night fling. She had been living that lifestyle for God knows how many years. She was a workoholic and lived in Florida. Though her firm had a Chicago office, a move there would have entailed getting admitted to the Illinois bar and learning a whole new set of statutes, which is no easy feat. By the end, she'd changed enough to at least find a regular boyfriend, but putting Tyler with her--having her just change and drop everything and move 1000 miles--is no more believable than Tyler ending up with Marisa. Susan was really only in a scenes of the first chapter, and people were still in love with her by the end of the story! Okay, maybe she resonated.

4. Marisa. Yes, the few commenters who are well read were right: The inspiration for Marisa was Lisbeth Salander from Stieg Larson's incredible Millenium Trilogy. There are noticeable differences, though. Size, looks, and mental constitution are all toned WAY down from Lisbeth to Marisa. And the reasons for Marisa's attitude was clearly spelled out in the final scene of Part 5: She'd been treated like a freak because of her looks and mind throughout her life, and she was tired of trying to please others and afraid of being hurt.

So there it is, the shit that ran through my mind. I agree with what HDK has always said: Anyone can start a story, but it's hard to end one. He was right here, and I'm still not totally sure I pulled it off.

And if this seemed abrupt, as a few pointed out, then I'm sorry. However, I am going to revisit the Kristin and Allie characters in a story down the line, so saying too much kills them off for good. Besides, Tyler and Marisa are going to get married, and Tyler and Kristin now can speak to each other civilly and give Ben as good an upbringing as they can. What else is there to know?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
thank you

a well thought out story, kept me on edge complete story, again thank you

Mousse9Mousse9about 13 years ago

The fact that I actually do not hate Kristin, says enough, I think. XD

Probably because she isn't out and out evil, like many wives in LW stories.

Marisa changing her clothes (for one time?), going from "ugly duckling" to beautiful swan, has a very fairytale ending feel to me. Maybe some feel it's campy, or sexist even (women have to be conventionally beautiful to be successful/get their man), but think about it. Marisa loves Tyler, and she wants to do something to make him happy. If that is changing her clothing style for one night (it's not mentioned anywhere that she won't revert back to Goth clothes later on), it's not exactly unbelievable.

And, no matter how you twist it, it IS still a very important night for the both of them, with actual celebrities there, like Stephen King and Clint Eastwood. Although it would show her strength of character and guts if she kept the Goth look for that night, she realistically wouldn't.

As for Clint Eastwood and Stephen King, one poster said it was a poorly done scene? Well, us commoners actually don't know how they really are, so artistic license is probably a given.

Isn't it incredibly rare to meet a famous person (whether actor, writer or what-have-you) without it being for an interview or on the red carpet? In an almost non-formal setting?

I can see a scene like in this story happening. Nothing really outrageous.

As for the "writing women" part....I'm not a woman. ^^;; Writing believable characters, yes.

To keep it short, it's a great story, Rehnquist.

sailordblj1966sailordblj1966about 13 years ago
Wonderful story

Your honor it was a wonderful story with so many little twists and turns that it kept me wanting more. I believed that your female characters were well thought out and believable. As I read some of the comments I don't believe that knowing all the facts behind their past would have made any better reading I think it would have detracted from your main goal. As for some women I know they say they need that little mistery keeps us men wondering about them :) I would love to see more stories involving these characters and what happens later down the road. Again I really enjoyed your story and keep up the great work.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
outstanding

very enjoyable read

woodmanonewoodmanoneabout 13 years ago
Your the leader of the pack.

Five stars, nothing more to add. That says it all. Thanks.

obtusemanobtusemanabout 13 years ago
you nailed the female characters- giving them dimension and believability

Your comments re the characters were on point, and from this males perspective, were true to form. No RAAC, and the dialog w/ mom explained why, well. Characters were fleshed out and felt real. Not super-heroes while not being flawed beyond redemption.

Your are the best! Thank you for another wonderful story.

polCpolCabout 13 years ago
Top of the mark

Excellent story and very well written. As far as I'm concerned DQS1 has nothing on you. Thank you for sharing and entertaining me. Well done.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
The women you created

Beautiful piece of work - your heart, determination, and talent were certainly invested in this. Easily read and from my point of view, your hook to keep me reading was more effective than either of the two Hiaasen novels I’ve read. (For Florida authors, I’ve found Randy Wade White much easier and more fun to read.) You said you wanted to work more on female character development more than anything else, so I’ll comment about those though I certainly don’t intend to denigrate the value of this story, It is great!

Marissa - We know nothing about why she was weird goth. Her childhood development or her school/people interface leading to the scared child antagonism she expressed as a gothic character should have been developed better. Being scared isn’t enough history for us to accept about why she acted so strangely. We (I) would be much more comfortable if we (I) knew how she evolved and how she could turn so abruptly (and permanently?) into such a normal, as well as beautiful, lady. “I wanted to please you and not put your friends off” doesn’t seem adequate even if she was in love. Still, one night of compliance doesn’t seem to be too large a price to pay for helping her mate, though it just doesn’t seem to be in character. I think she should have become a contented professor/writer who walks away from Tyler - and who knows or cares about her love life.

Susan - You got the hook in very well and very early with this young lady. I would have been happier with the story if she had been developed more fully and if she had won the day. Of the three principal women in the story, Susan had by far the best chance of maintaining a long lasting devoted relationship. She just wasn’t as squirrelly or emotionally underdeveloped as the other two women. This plus she was as beautiful as any of the three, she was brilliant, she was gentle/loving even if she became a barracuda in the lawyering world.

Kristin - Kristin’s development from a nasty, self-centered witch was done smoothly but it was improbable because she had no background or history or training to support her new found talent for psychoanalysis and counseling . True she got hurt - beat up actually - by the system and her own stupidity and this could have led her to study and maybe understand over time what had happened (but not this quickly). Just the hurt and introspection wouldn’t have, I believe, changed the shallow woman she was into someone with a boatload of insight into the nature of mankind. It wouldn’t have made her someone who would forever be competent or trustworthy enough to sustain a dependable and lifelong relationship. The person she became would have been much more believable if she had some earlier experiences that could surface to guide her in understanding herself, what she had done, and how she should live and love from now on. Perhaps the education she didn’t use should have been in sociology or a related field. She just got too smart too fast for having been such a self-centered spoiled airhead.

Regardless of my rantings, you have created some very interesting people that you should develop further. Don’t forget to develop Tyler too; we need to know more about why he is driven so hard by the projects he undertakes. We need to know too whether his priorities really turn around to be people/family/friends first and work important but second.

magmamanmagmamanabout 13 years ago
Simply...

...Excellent!

MGM

SupaSallySupaSallyabout 13 years ago
Thank You

I loved it. I'm sorry for Kristen, but she made the bed and now she's got to sleep in it.

RHinSCRHinSCabout 13 years ago
Very Good

You have done well with the characters. I think if Tyler would have tried half as much with his ex as he did with the goth chick he would still be married. He was willing to give up millions for someone twice as fucked up as his wife. I don't know if that is growth or not. It may be stupidity or insecurity. I will agree that some men think things will take care of themselves when a woman is involved, they don't. You have to deal with problems before they bite you on the ass. A wife who feels lonely and ignored and is wondering if you still love her is bad juju. She told him she wanted a baby for the last two years of their marriage. He did nothing. Most here blame the wife for being a spoiled brat. Spoiled brats make good wives and mothers too. Some of the people who have commented are supposed to be married, I wonder about that. How many times does your wife have to tell you something before you are in deep shit? Twenty, thirty, fifty? My guess is three, after that things go wrong. Their communication was nonexistent. The story was realistic with people who have problems that they can or can't always see. Tyler watched the rattlesnake slither up to his foot and bite him. He didn't move his foot. Maybe he will in the future. This was very, very good.

HarddaysknightHarddaysknightabout 13 years ago
This was a great read.

This story lost a bit of momentum as it headed toward the finish line, but how could it not? It began so well, so hard, so fast, that it would have been impossible to mainatin that pace. It morped into a really enjoyable romance. You ended it well and not a moment too soon. When readers like a story, they want it to keep going, but that cannot happen. If it keeps going, it becomes mundane, dull, lifelike. You gave us the sizzle in Tyler's life. It was a snapshot, and a beauty. Women are more seductive with some bits of clothing covering small places. Stories are better when there is still something not totally explained at the end. I have never had any problem with your female characters and felt this story simply kept that streak going. Your effort is greatly appreciated and the next one is greatly anticipated.

michassmichassabout 13 years ago
good read

In this type of situation, he may have still loved Kristin at some level but he was no longer deeply in love with her. In today's world, some family therapy would probably be appropriate and perhaps an effort to make it work again, considering the child. As you tried, and largely did a good job at, making the story realistic, the emphasis ought to be that children come first (although not all parents act this way). However from a literotica standpoint, its certainly more interesting the way you wrote it.

vietvetvietvetabout 13 years ago
Criticize, criticize criticize:

It has been interesting to observe the tenner of the comments on this story, IE: the story is too long, the story is too short, where is the story going, the characters were not developed, the characters were too in depth.

Such comments go to show, you cant please everyone so don't try.

It is my opinion that this story developed the characters and time line as much as possible given the confines of a short story.

If the story were any longer it would be a long short story and given the crap DQS1 is catching that would not be good.

If the story were shorter and thus not letting the characters develop as they did, it would be a short short story.

If the story were a one or two page story as quite a few readers like, it would be a stroke story and characters would not have the luxury of being developed at all.

As a wanna be writer who has not yet posted anything but comments, I am personally working on a story for this genera, a dark tale of betrayal and punishment, on which I have been working for months, I must say to all those who criticize, "IT AIN'T EASY FOLKS".

Given I do not have the talent of his honor, Ohio, DQS1, HDK, and many others, I must say this story and many others are the product on gifted people who give of their time freely to entertain all of us and we should instead of criticizing, agree or disagree, in a negative way, criticize in a constructive way as to help the writer to develop their talent and maybe they will write "the great American novel.

Rehnquist: Thanks for a great read and keep up the good work. Looking forward to the next posting with great expectations.

Thanks: Tom

KenfromIndyKenfromIndyabout 13 years ago
Loved it Great reader

Well worth the time to read. Unfortunately pressed for time but wanted to read the end. Haven't read other comments but from last pt 5 one comment (Anonymous - signed robert) mentioned your Mom character. I hadn't thought of her until that comment but did find it true. Glad you pulled Mom into this chapter to do as Moms do clarify there childrens thoughts and guide them to what they really want for the right reasons.

I am glad I was wrong thought he would not get into love again but glad Rehnquist chose to go this way - more true to Tyler character.

Your main goal for writing the women characters you did good real good made them real! Rehnquist even pointed out that the other women characters at the party could have turned on her but did not at the party. Seen that happen it is not a good sight but real women interaction. Did redeem K showed change from Pt1 to end.

All around great read time well spent.

Any other writing exercises you need to do - please post!!! Thank you!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
He should have married Susan...but

The story was very well written, kind of like a mystery novel.

Red Herrings and all.

But, he should have married Susan.

I liked the variety of characters, their development. Strangely, It reminded me of 'The Dirty Dozen' by E. M. Nathanson. A really great book... If you had read it first, you would understand, the movie sucked...

(Also, the Book has not made the following that many others did).

For me to want to, let alone to actually, fully enjoy reading, that much, because of other problems, is a compliment.

Cheers to you, your story, your (hopefully) career...

And, if all else fails, remember...

He should have married Susan...

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago

It just seemed like he rushed into this thing with Marissa. They don't have anythign in common other than writing so it is hard to see how this will last. But hey it's a happy ending for those who were rooting for those two.

cloacascloacasabout 13 years ago
Nice story, some advice

You can write but being a lawyer you have that tendency to put down only what is necessary to make the argument. Fiction is not like that. Life is not like that. Writing fiction is more fun if you let it take you into places that don't always fit, that don't always push the plot along. Every conversation in this story had a purpose and nearly every word in it carried that purpose, like it was a brief. You know most conversations don't work that way; people aren't articulate, things don't happen neatly. Maybe you don't want to do more with writing, which is fine, but there is a world of more: details, some irrelevant, actions that don't further any plot but which reveal more about the character. Think about this story and ask yourself if you can name one moment when you weren't advancing the storyline. You can, if you want, unchain yourself.

AgenaAgenaabout 13 years ago
Exceptional

An exceptional story and well worth the read. Looking for more.

KyuzioKyuzioabout 13 years ago
Lovewd it! Great Read!

This was a very compelling short story! While Cloacas gave some excellent advice on writing, perhaps he forgot that this was a short story format. When writing a short story, you must advance the plot at almost every moment. Adding detail and such is fine for a longer work or when expanding a short story into a novella or even a novel. And this story definitely lends itself to expansion - as most good short stories do.

I love the fact that some of my other favorite authors (like Agena, Ohio, HDK, woodmanone) are impressed with your work. Keep writing! Keep posting. I am most definitely a fan!

BGeorgeBGeorgeabout 13 years ago
Very well developed characters!!!

Loved this story!

You've asked for feedback on your female characters, so here it is:

Susan: Had a lot of empathy for her and for the place she found herself after focusing so exclusively on her career. Glad she found room in her life for a real relationship.

Kristin: Pretty dramatic change in her character, I guess it's possible, but it just doesn't seem very likely for someone to 180 so completely. I guess it did take a couple years, and several traumatic events.

Allie: not quite as fully developed as a character, or at the very least not quite as complex a character. I knew she wasn't right for him :)

Marisa: I had a feeling about her from when we first met her. Really like her intelligence and wit. Loved to see the slow gradual thawing of the goth ice queen :). Not sure if "nobody liked me growing up" is quite satisfying as an explanation for what she became, it sounds like there might have been other specific traumas that it would have helped to hear more about.

Thanks again for all your hard work, and thank you for finishing the story and posting it on successive days !!

PultoyPultoyabout 13 years ago
Thank You

Mr Rehnquist:

You wrote a fine story here. The comments are quite enlightening and entertaining. Mr Cloacas thinks you should be more wordy, meander a bit more. Mr HDK thinks the story lost some of its' initial flair and sort of fizzled at the end. Both those authors are amongst my most favorites. Yet, I am satisfied with this story and rated it 5 stars.

What the heck are the other 3 things she wouldn't do or tell him about? I guess anal is one, but what are the others? Swallowing? Licking his ass? Just what is up your sleeve here? Har.

Best regards,

Pultoy

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
definitely 5 stars

Really nice story and was an amazing read.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Nice!

Kind of sucks it ended that quickly, but it was a good story. I hope you have another long story like Knox. The What you wish for i would of only hoped to see more into this story since i was thinking it would be like Knox with more point intersected.

PseamanPseamanabout 13 years ago
Great Read

A wonderful job of character development. Marisa gets her man. Susan learns to give and take. Unfortunately, Kristin will have to look elsewhere.

It is definately better than writing or reading legal briefs.

I look forward to your next story.

shidaveshidaveabout 13 years ago

Excellent! I like the fact that you leave out the usual drivel that authors feel has to be included but that I skip. Your characters are great but perhaps Marisa's background may have been expanded.

calibeachgirlcalibeachgirlabout 13 years ago
This was a very good story!

This was a very good story I had to back up and read the whole thing.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Tops!

Truthfully, I couldn't comment about the characterisations of the women. All I know is that I truly enjoyed it, and was eagerly waiting for the next episode. I'm a bit disappointed it came to an end.

Well I can wait for the next one! Once again very well done! And, thank you!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
i didnt like it

okay, i gave 5 stars. but its done. no more WYWF. *sigh* anyway, thank you and hopefully a new story soon?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
I liked it a lot.

I was sorry that the story ended. I enjoy your writing, and look forward to more from you. Thanks for sharing your work!

Worry_BeadsWorry_Beadsabout 13 years ago
You may have changed this site...

A lovely story, transcendently told. I think you have set a new standard for this genre, and, certainly, for this site. You have brought us a maturely and confidently written narrative, a complex plot, and engagingly realized flesh and blood characters. And in the process you have set a new standard, one that will test the skills of the very few really good writers on this site--all of whom I will argue you have surpassed with this single entry. On the more problematic side, however, is that your future efforts are now obligated to equal or surpass what you have here achieved—an unenviable task, but one that I believe you might well accomplish.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
5 stars

loved every word both times i read them. definitly FIVE stars

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
better than good

first of all thanks for writing and the way you handle it. As a reader who is not able to write but loves stories with more than one part, I have to give a compliment how you work. not like most writers who just start a multiple chapter story and look if people like it, you have written it to the end and only by then started submitting the chapters. this has two big advantages, one it will be your story not influenced by whatever comment and two everybody can follow day by day the chapters and does not have to reread the last chapter or more to get back into the story.

The characters are all good and I loved the fact that there were no real monsters in this story. everybody has some week points or flaws but the monsters are in reality still a minority except here in lit. mostly you find only monsters and no real people.

the end of the story was maybe just a bit short, for an other story, some more closures would do good.

last but not least one more question so to say. In real life everybody says men can't articulate to good so they are the men of few words. But in most stories I read men are able to say what's to say but women are a total failure like in your story. If Kristin or Marisa, none of them two could say anything both just run. Even Susans explanation was less than 3 words. can't talk. so how come the cliche in the real world does exist like this when the truth is 100% in the other direction ? maybe you could bring that in one of your next story.

thanks and hope to read you soon again.

Stephan

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Great!!

Kept me anxiously waiting to get home each day to read the next chapter. Keep it up!!!

C_frommnC_frommnabout 13 years ago
Great Series

Really loved it from the Beginning.

and yes I think the Female Leads were what was kept the Story from falling flat on its face Great Job.

warthog50warthog50about 13 years ago
Really great.......

A really superbly written story. I wondered if you felt much of a pull towards writing a reconciliation with Kristin into the story. She did mess up royally, but truly seemed to come to see herself clearly and to change. I'm usually more in the "kick em to the curb" club, but I did feel sorry for her not getting a second chance.

digdaddyrichdigdaddyrichabout 13 years ago
A well defined storyline

All of the characters were well developed and believable. Marisa was the character that was the most intriguing because she was a little mysterious, both in dress and actions. She was the character that brought all of the loose ends in Tyler's life together.

Thanks for the good and enjoyable read.

apollonaapollonaabout 13 years ago
Very nice

Very entertaining and a lot of fun. Thank you author for your efforts.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
The timeline really works

Several are complaining about how fast Kristen had her epiphany. What they are missing, as I missed it the first time through, is that Kristen was barely pregnant when the divorce was final, and the next time we saw her Ben was about a year old. That's at least 18 months she had to figure out that she had screwed up. And in that year of motherhood, I'm sure she learned and regretted a lot. Am I surprised with how she turned out? No, she became a very realistic mother.

Harryin VAHarryin VAabout 13 years ago
A comment about the Morons who wanted Reconciliation

wow. I am sure what the author has said is true but it just goes to show who Obtuse d many readers truly are.

The ONLY reason Kirstin grew and seems to be maturing as decent person is because she IS out on her own.

If we all agre that Kirstin's growth is because she is Facing reality and her disasterous choices.... having her back with Tyler STOPS that the growth.

tastesgreattastesgreatabout 13 years ago
Thank You!

Your characters were very believable and likable generally. I was not rooting for the gal he ended up with but your story had a very satisfying story line and was extremely well written. Thanks for sharing your skills and THANK YOU so much for not making us wait forever for the next submission!

Sparks373Sparks373about 13 years ago
A Great Read but

Dear Author, you did an outstanding job of writing reql people and situations, BUT I think you need to rethink the ending. I think Tyler was afraid to try again with Kristin (alright, so I forgot how to spell it) and took the easy way out. Sure there is the chance a remarriage will fail, but I think with the changes that have taken place in her actions and understandings, and with Ben needing both parents, I think that would have worked out just fine. It would take some time for Tyler to really trust her afain, but that would come in time.

Glad Susan is trying with a fellow. I love her and thank you for putting a good ending to her.

Again thank you for this story, I'm just sorry that, as far as I am concerned, you got the ending wrong. I would like to see another series about book2, etc sometime in the future.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Enjoyed the story thoroughly...

There are several authors on this site who I think could write an excellent novel in this genre. Of course, you are one. I'm not competent as a critic... I have no idea what goes into a good story, but I know what I like.

Thank you for the interesting and enjoyable read. I look forward to your next effort(s).

Bobmouse55

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago

I really enjoyed the story and looked forward to seeing it. Your characters were believable and the way they fit was outstanding. Hope you do more stories and I do not always need the sex to enjoy them.

onlythelonelyloveonlythelonelyloveabout 13 years ago
"What else is there to know?"

Alot actually. I like the comment that this was a "snapshot" as HDK suggested. It seems to me that as such, it is very satisfying, but what intrigues me is what happens after the fairy tale ending that you have provided, and which many commentators liked in principle, if not entirely in execution. One thing that separates good fiction from fairy tales and fantasies is that it goes on (I think), and explores what happens in real life after the first bloom is off the rose, after the "happily ever after."

I know that some others do not agree with me (Hi Mousse9!), but I stick by my comments concerning possible issues of power equality and symmetry within the dynamics of the Tyler-Marisa assemblage. Some others also raised reservations about this issue (e.g., Vulcan in Ohio). It is likely to be a major problem, ESPECIALLY if Tyler maintains his track record concerning communication, and his lack of awareness about what he feels. I touched on this in a previous chapter. Can Marisa stand up to this accomplished, self-assured, self-directed individual when she needs to? When he next decides to do something involving her without involving her in the decision making process, can she have the inner strength to say: "No." Can Tyler voluntarily give up the power that he has. He didn't do it with K. He imposed his will on her. K as much says that he has the power to crush her, and begs him not to. Is it enough that Tyler chooses not to do this to the one he loves, because of love, rather than because of a sense of shared power dynamics. I probably didn't explain that very well, and I apologize. I will have to chew on that a bit more, I guess.

To me, that will be the sign of real growth for Marisa--not the running away, but the standing her ground, remaining open, articulating rational boundaries, and hashing it out skills that she will demonstrate in some future story. And that possibility has been left very ambiguously signed by the author. One could easily construct an interpretation that Marisa is already showing signs of dependency, by her behaviour running away, acquiescing to Tyler's emotional and actual blackmail (I am not particularly horrified at this--both acted in unilateral ways, so tit for tat makes sense in the logic of their relationship, but it doesn't bode well for the rationality/maturity/longevity of this relationship in the long run), her turning up at the party in the green dress. I don't know if that is true for the character, but it could be, on what I have seen of her behaviour. As a side note: Susan's new relationship is really rushed. I agree with the anon

So, I said above: "in some future story". Yes, I want to know more of what happens to Tyler, Marisa, K and Susan! I can see Tyler, Susan, K and Marisa having two more stories, a second and a third act. Why? Because at the moment, I think this is a fairytale. A very enjoyable one, but a fairy tale, none the less. The hard part is still to come, in my opinion--how do they negotiate the move from "true luv" to the regular hurly-burly of lived relational experience? A second story possibly shows that they don't handle this very well, and has to bring Tyler (and Marisa/Susan?) to a low point of self-reflection, work they haven't done (When Tyler says to K that "I made mistakes as well", I am less than impressed. It is not much different from saying "Mistakes were made..."). Story Three possibly provides the resolution of the hero's new found understanding and the new constellation of relationships that bind the characters.

Maybe then he gets Susan AND MArisa...:)

By the way, I enjoyed your story--a lot. Thank you.

literot63literot63about 13 years ago
30 Starts

You are just an amazing writer. But you asked for it, so here's a few things that surprised me

I think you were trying to make us feel something for Kristin. I actually found her character a little far fetched. Based on her Florida ways, why would she go back home and marry a cop who would never be able to provide what she needed. She was lonely ? I just did not buy it. And I never felt the compassion for her that (I think) you wanted us to feel. I disliked her (almost) as much as your first wife from The Bar and Grill.

I never felt the Marisa chemistry. But I felt it coming and wasn't surprised when she showed up as Cinderella.

I thought Susan was a great character and was rooting for her.

All that said, this was a masterpiece. A 30 star masterpiece.

Thank you.

RHinSCRHinSCabout 13 years ago
Kristen

I think she is finally getting some common sense. I agree with Harry, she needs to do things on her own for a while. She listened to the people she trusted the most and they fucked her over. Her family. From what I gather, she knew she messed up pretty quickly, but the deed was done. She has had enough time to see things the way they really are. I guess Tyler has progressed too, he learned to give more and pay attention. It was cool that the man with no name was thrown in also. Tyler is happy with his new fuck bunny, I would be too. Good ending.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
great story

Truly enjoyed your story. thanks for sharing.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
One of your best if not the best

Absolutely loved it.

GenghisKhanGenghisKhanabout 13 years ago
A relatively short but fast-moving, enjoyable story

The soul-searching exchange between Kristin and Tyler's well done and appropriate. <p>

As much as she would want him to give her another chance, I think he's absolutely right: when you loved someone as much as he did her and one day out of the blue she just wanted to go see her parents and packed up and left and starving fucking around with someone else, simply because, as she said, she HAD another vision of what her life ought to have been like... and then only returned to tell you weeks later, that she's divorcing you and before you could close your mouth over the shock, she's already married to someone she's fucking at "home".... I think as much as Kristin SEEMED to have changed, over the last year, since Ben's birth, Tyler is absolutely right: <p>

Her change was due to a combination of things: the other guy's divorcing her because she not only lied to him, Tyler, but also the other guy; she's going to be a single mother, with little prospects except a lot of heartaches and hassles; Ben could be, if she followed her former path, be likely taken away from her via a court decision and she'd have little resources to fight... <p>

So, yes, Kristin's right: as much as she would want him to give her a second chance, sabotaging his relationships with Marissa or any other woman Tyler's seeing will NOT endear him to her at all; it'd be just the opposite, whether such acts of hers --- if she DID do it and she said she could see through such a scheme herself and would NEVER do it since she wanted him to give her a second chances based on a "real" or a better foundation, with him KNOWING that she could/would never again harm him as she did before --- whether such acts could be found out by him immediately. <p>

In any event, Tyler's brief exchange with his mother cemented his decision, which this time around is made more calculatedly: going for what once was and likely never will be again, OR going for someone who could come in fresh and who could build a strong foundation, and form good memories, to start with... someone who is also highly intelligent, so much so she's the backbone of the tedious part of his writing, being the executive editor who can cut and dissect his rough thoughts and put them into smooth flowing, clear ideas... <p>

I would freaking pick someone like that, with a bigger and better brain than mine, who could complement my thinking and complete my sentences and thoughts in ways that I can't do, can't express on my own.... I'd pick someone like that over someone cute and but impulsive and ultimately betraying woman like Kristin, even if she's the mother of my kid... <p>

Besides, the short time with Tyler's mother, Marissa was able to project her sincerity, vulnerability, and intelligence to her... so there's no question going with her is just the logical, meaningful, romantic, and all around correct way to proceed... <p>

So this was/is the appropriate trajectory for this story, despite Kristin's soul-searching reflections and sad pleas.....her realization that chances are she will likely never be given a second chance, since what she did, her herself said it, was so heinous a thing you could do to someone you love... a realization that, as she herself too admit, still didn't allow her to betray him in any way, since whether they were destined together or not, that she would want him to be a close ally in helping her raise their offspring Ben...

That bitter taste of self-created realities/consequences, even she herself know, would make her a better person from this point on; and everyone, including a future significant other, would benefit from, even as she knows, again, that her chances with Tyler was slim to none...

StangStar06StangStar06about 13 years ago
Great job

Wonderful story, I loved every word. I loved the ending too, although Susan is still my favorite character, and I have no confidence that her

Relationship with this guy she's dating will last. It seems almost as if she's rebounding from Tyler. And she and Tyler seem to share a far deeper connection than the love he has with her sister. You also did an excellent job of redeeming Kristen. All in all a masterful job, but then we expect no less of you. You set out to make your female characters more believable and succeeded greatly. Oddly enough I think that all of the characters resonated best to differing groups of people. I'm sure there were some who were even rooting for Kristen in the end. Rulers mother even though very little time was spent with her, seemed genuine and likable in her willingness to put aside her own preference for Kristen in favor of the woman who makes her son happy. And of course Susan and Marissa. Though I truly prefer Susan, Marissa, with all of her quirks, foibles, and affectations is so real that I see shades of every punk, goth, or even metal crazed woman I've ever known. Once again you've raised the bar even higher and put a bit more distance between yourself and the rest of us.

hindsight2020hindsight2020about 13 years ago
loved the story

I think the females were fairly good M and K were fairly complex for a short story. Next you might want to try a woman in the 1st person. Might find a richer voice. Congratulations.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Excellent

Fantabulous! Loved it. Await the next one.

HarryHaversackersHarryHaversackersabout 13 years ago
Simply...

Very well done. Thank you for a most entertaining read.

JusttooldJusttooldabout 13 years ago
editor

This story just proves that any author worth his salt will do anything to hang on to a good editor. (Just joking) Great story and well told. I liked this story because it explains lifes twists and turns and how a guy reacts to them. Maybe the main character didn't pick the girl that everyone thought he would pick, but he had his reasons and you explained them perfectly.

dad2you2dad2you2about 13 years ago
Just a note to all of those people

who think a bad marriage is better than a divorce for the children have not live though one. Some times a divorce is better for the children, there may not be any type of abuse but a loveless marriage for the children sake can hurt more than help. And the way Tyler felt about Kristen would have not helped Ben at all if they had remarried. A good ending to an excellent story. Thank You sir.

ChagrinedChagrinedabout 13 years ago
Nothing much I can add.

Liked the story. The female perspective was very well done. The only thing I would say is that you should have had more conflict in the middle. Something exciting, a bit daring. While the characterization was well done, for me the story line itself was rather dull. But before everyone jumps on me, that is just my personal preference in stories.

But, I agree, it is a cut, or two or three, above the usual fare dished out to us hungry readers.. And so again I say, GOOD WORK!

Regards

C

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
how long you going to drag this out ?

getting like war and peace ?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
fucking amazing!!

this was a great story and i literally can not stop thinking about the next one you put out! i partically loved the way you wrote the characters-how believable they were, how real they seemed, and that its like i could actually picture them and however they were feeling. keep it up.

HatsudaHatsudaabout 13 years ago
You accomplished your mission...

And mine. This was truly a satisfying read; even the weak characters were portrayed complete in their imperfections. Note to follow...

H -

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
More

I liked the story a lot (and gave it my first five). The couple is so interesting that their future activities are worth following.

Rockyderek_caRockyderek_caabout 13 years ago
Great

Great story, thanks for writing it for us. I can't imagine anyone accusing you of not adequately developing female characters.

jrj777jrj777about 13 years ago
Outstanding

Thank You for this posting. It was a very enjoyable read. It left us wanting more. But I agree with HDK. That it was long enough. It was like candy or some other food/drink that you love and you can not stop until you are sick. You fed use the right amount. We were left wanting more but we had enough. Great Job. Thanks again

John

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
Just Great

I was wondering how and where you would end this and I did not see it ending here. However, it is an excellent place to stop.

Just excellent, not much else to say.

Anonymous
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