by LadyGenevieve
I'd have liked this better in free form - to me the rhyming interferes rather than enhances. The story showed promise and intrigued me enough to complete reading it but the whole disappoints. A nice idea that suffers from your choice of form.
Tess.
Rhyme's a tricky beast. It can pace a poem or fuck it up completely. I would say the problem is severe but it doesn't add and you have interesting imagery and subject matter. I think this needs an edit and maybe, if you want to keep the rhyme, move it to the middle of the line, then you get the sonic tie without being obvious with it and you can get away with a LOT even crap june/moon rhymes in that way—but you shouldn't, your a good poet and that's below you :).