All Comments on 'And The Desert Framed Her'

Maybe this for the last line:

is someone longing for her to phone?

Five.

not good, you don't want to do that.

this must be at least twice as powerful

if someone is longing for her to phone?

as this

maggots tumbling from her mouth

I gave you 100, mainly cause you are the hardest worker here.

That being said. Stop. Focus. Sharpen. Don't feel you have to post everyday. It's a waste.

but I agree with 1201 that the last line should leave a stronger impression that that third line. Otoh I like that last line a lot and think I'd be more likely to change line three to something less visually heart-stopping. But don't get me wrong, overall it's really good.

Perhaps the last line is better as it is, but the meaning of my suggestion is the same. It's just differently worded, and shorter.

the thought in the last line of her never, ever calling someone who might be longing to hear from her is far more horrible than the sight of mere maggots, even if they do tumble from her mouth. But I understand everyone has a different definition of horror.

because you've lost what was, for me, the superb visuals you created with lines like these... filled with colour, filled with originality in its language (hope it's ok to post them here):

whilst watching her posing white against the ginger soil.

was she pretending to be an arum lily in a bouquet wrapped in foil?

whilst she lay in the desert, on her back lazily

one arm permanently waving the other,

the perfect sunbather; she had been put down,

and now she was not getting any browner,

nor older in her emerald ball gown,

pulled up around her waist,

her panties torn,

her legs in the form of an piercing p.

for me, what you have in these lines is where the poem's at, not the weaker maggots/satin dress/phone home abbreviated version. if you want to focus on one area to compact, it would be better to go here rather than where you did. just my opinion x

I like the new version

but I prefer

short to the point

poetry

very well done

I think if you're going to rewrite the original you need something between the two with more elaboration on this one