I liked. Your syntax, rhythm and melody.. some very beautiful phrasing.. and something significantly beautiful to say.
5 it deserves it, a couple of things I might question, but it looks like stylistic concerns. The pattern is remarkable, word choice is good, i.e. nothing strikes me as being either very bad or very good.
Look forward to more.
as to why you avoid the use of pronouns as the first word in verses 1, 2 and 4, but use "his" in 3. Is it so obvious I am blinded? Probably so, I'm sick and maybe I should not be commenting on poems like this.... I do like the poem, especially verse 3 and the end lines are strong in each one. I like the indentation of them.
and that structure isn't frivolous, either. The poem's character is so much more playful because of it. I absolutely loved the first lines of your 3rd and 4th stanzas. You're a cherry-picker with those words. That's why I think you might consider running a few other options for phrases that I think do the otherwise unique wording an injustice.
The "we go drunk in each other" and the gaze "melted me from head to foot" send me into a lull when reading because I've heard them so many times before. The former has a unique wording that even changes how it might be interpreted. But, it still strikes me in the same way as it would with its normal wording. That might just be me.
Either way, it's a wonderful piece.
that actually is passionate. Poet Guy particularly liked S4, especially the line "In my lake played his hot tongue, in my sea bathed he" which is vivid and a little wild, in a good way.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission!
orBack to In Crowds
orMore submissions by YoonSookShin.
Edit comment orSubmit Comment
Comment posted successfully - click here to view it or write another.
Title of your comment:
Your public comment about In Crowds:
Login or Sign Up
All contents © Copyright 1998-2012. Literotica is a trademark. No part may be reproduced in any form without explicit written permission.
Terms Of Services|Report A Problem|Privacy
Password:Forgot your password?
Your current user avatar, all sizes:
You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.
Select new user avatar:
Upload and save
User avatar uploaded successfuly and waiting for moderation.