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byWomanAwakened©
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by Anonymous

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by twelveoone04/07/11

Score 5

I love the thought that went behind this structure. The words, I won't comment on most of it, that may be a matter of taste. I'll just point out one set. In dark of night...only a shadow appears; each phrase could be considered a mere description on its own, together it rather shouts cliche. If the thought that went into the structure went into the language...
I would be raving about this.

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by theognis04/09/11

*****

The more I read this poem, the better I like it.

One suggestion:

I lose the feel of it in my hands; only faith tells me that it's still there


Five.

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by WomanAwakened04/12/11

Thank you!

Thank you both for your comments! Much appreciated...
Re: the phrase "only faith tells me...", that was a typo. I skipped the word "it" by mistake.
Re: any cliches, I can't argue with that. While I try to avoid them, there are times when the most meaningful phrase happens to be one that has been used before. However, I'm not opposed to re-working the whole piece, tightening some of the phrases without losing the rhythm.
Thank you!

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by softsmile04/12/11

Beautiful!

I keep returning to your poem and like theognis, I find your words more lovely with each reading.

Perfect title! I especially love "It stretches and bends and snaps back into shape after every tug"... what a wonderful feeling, when you know your love is strong. But may I add that I found a disconnect with your thought and melted caramel? Though I myself melted a little at your words, melted caramel doesn't "snap back". So I stumbled a bit there. Maybe just me?

I give you 5 stars (because I wish I'd written this one!). I simply love the way you've painted this picture of gossamer hope, feelings many of us have had.

~softsmile

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by WomanAwakened04/18/11

For SoftSmile

Hello! I am so happy to read your feedback! It's funny, on a site that is 99% devoted to erotica, I am tickled to find that people are reading and appreciating the non-erotic poems I've submitted.
Re: your comment on the "melted caramel": I definitely get your point about melted caramel not snapping back into shape after being tugged on. Here is what I was going for: in the first verse, I wanted the thread (i.e. the connection between me and my lover) to be very fresh, new, delicate and fragile. In the second, representing the time once you are more established and getting to know each other better, I wanted the thread to be more substantial, very sensuous, and I wanted to represent how there is resilience in the relationship even when you have disagreements (i.e. snapping back into shape after every tug). In the 3rd, the thread becomes brittle with the cold and dark, and threatens to snap when conflict arises.
Having said that, the "melted caramel" was the best that I could do to represent what I was trying to say. But I am completely open to suggestions for better imagery!
Feel free to check out the other poetry I've posted... and thanks for reading!!

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