All Comments on 'Shattered Ch. 02'

by Azpiri

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  • 184 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Can you say

WIMP. That's why he didn't confront the asshole in his own home. He should stop worrying about his wife spreading for other men cause it looks like he is getting ready to bend over and take it in the ass from that guy himself.

Mousse9Mousse9almost 13 years ago

I guess flawed analogies rule the day. I've always had problems with analogies, and in this story/chapter, it was around this bit:

"And you're just going to let that asshole steal her away from you without putting up a fight? A rooster protects the hens in the hen house from weasels, Steve. The rooster doesn't give up once a weasel makes his presence known. They fight until the bitter end. Fight for her. Show her that she made a stupid mistake and almost risked everything."

I really cannot remember who said it, but fighting FOR a woman is good, fighting OVER a woman means you've already lost, ESPECIALLY if that woman is your wife. She MARRIED you, you already WON. People love to confuse fighting FOR and fighting OVER. Steve's comeback to Amber's "you need to fight for her" was GREAT, but then it got completely derailed by that weasel/hen analogy. That's not a weasel, it's another rooster, and the hen just left to go to another farm to be with that rooster, if you want to keep with that analogy.

And what happened to free will? She cannot choose who she goes with? Is she like some prize to be won in a contest? SHE chose that Chris guy over her husband.

"I took Chris home in our marital bed to screw me senseless, and gave him a blowjob, something I never did for my husband. Whoopsie, total accident." This isn't like pressing the wrong button on the remote. It's actually quite well thought out.

Almost risked everything? Almost? It sounds funny coming from another person, who doesn't have anything to do with it. It's not "almost". Speaking of flawed analogies, that's like killing another person and then have someone say "My goodness, you almost risked going to jail".

And now Steve's going to his cheating wife's bedside, like the dutiful little husband that he is. Ofcourse. "Chris isn't that kind of man", wow, they sure know how to pick em!

Although I do wanna know how this turns out, it doesn't look good for Steve...

Mousse9Mousse9almost 13 years ago
Addendum

Forgot to add this, ugh..

I'd love to read a story where the roles are reversed. A husband has an affair with some young hot bimbo for months, who lets him do everything his wife refuses to do, and when his wife finds out, his friends tell the angry wife that she needs to fight for him, show him that she loves him, and that she's better than that bimbo.

It'd be an awesome story.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago

Nice! Steve is setting himself up to be Father Teresa. Wonder if he also has some swelling around the spine?

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
in a fix

steve in a fix, he getting advise from an idiot and he is an idiot the best thing he can do is go suck off the wife's boyfriend that should help her out till she can do it again, totally stupid.

HarddaysknightHarddaysknightalmost 13 years ago
This chapter is better.

The part about fighting for your wife is something that will piss off most husbands, and readers. We can fight for the wife before she blows the neighbor, but once the deed is done, it is a losing battle and usually not worth the effort, at least for most of us. The idea that a husband must try to win his wife back is upsetting, to say the least. Most of us do not feel that is part of the job description. Still, you are stirring some emotions and I will look for the next chapter quite eagerly, just to see how this resolves itself. Most of us will be hoping the young single mom soothes his battered soul.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
bad advice

Amber certainly is giving Steve bad advice. Steve overheard his wife while she was cheating telling her lover that he was the best sex she ever had and later on while in the car gave her lover oral sex, which she didn't do for her husband. Jill waited until Steve was away and arranged for Chris to have sex with her in her's and her husband's marital bed. The worst part is that he saw and heard them having sex and that will be forever burnt into his brain. No trust and no respect and the humiliation of being made a cuckold and for everyone knowing it from the cops to the hospital personnel who he works with. I don't see them getting through this but maybe Steve needs this closure. Great story and nicely written, thanks for sharing.

LazylonerLazyloneralmost 13 years ago
I agree with other posters

Amber's advice is horrible. As an earlier poster noted no man should ever have to fight over his own wife. Supposedly he won that fight when she agreed to marry him and promised to never put him in a position where he had to fight again.

That's part of why men get married.

With the wife dropping her panties for another man the fight is already over. She decided that her earlier promise means nothing. There will never be closure for the husband as long as he remains married. Hearing why and how long won't fix the problem. It doesn't erase the disrespect. It doesn't mend the broken trust. The marriage can only be fixed if the wife makes the overtures.

Steve needs to walk away. His wife wasn't there for him when she got in the car with her lover, he has no reason to be there when she wakes from the surgery.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
the author cannot recall his own story correctly

folks go back and re-read chapter 1 and recall the words the wife said about her husband. Those are POWERFUL words.

Yet the super wimp loser husband doesnt EVER bring up these horribel marriage crushing words up to either of his so called woman friends. The husband talks about SEEING his wife with another man but not what the wife actually said.

this is a bad awful story that is filled with cliches.

Amber's assertion that the wife NOW knows that she screwed up is absurd. Yet as the wimp faggot we know he is... sure enough the husband is he caves.

How does amber know it is 1 time thing?

WHY is it that the idiot husband is the one that go an ask the cunt whore wife?

why is NO one saying that the wife has at least some responsibility here to fix this?

Harryin VAHarryin VAalmost 13 years ago
mindlessly bad: Just Plain awful filled with horrible boiler plate cliches

to the author-- dude stop writing.

You suck at it.

really.

You know LW story has turned to shit when EVERYONE in the story tells the husband that its "JUST SILLY MALE PRIDE".

Piece of shit authors like this never end up asserting that the wife has any responsibilty here. ALL the emphasis... all the actions... are on the husband to try and save a marriage that the wife clearly does not want.

CLICHE CITY:

"You need to fight for her, Steve. You-"

"I'm not saying let this guy walk all over you.

Believe me, she knows she failed you. ( she does??? she was car accident sucking some other guy's cock. Yeah amber the wife REALLY knows she failed her husband .

"She hurt me to the core. That's not something that I can easily forgive and forget."

"No one is asking you to do that, Steve. "

sounds like that is exactly what You are asking steve to do ...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago

It is only chapter 2. He may not wimp out. I think the pot is well stirred and look forward to the next chapter.

BigJohn601BigJohn601almost 13 years ago
Forgive me Amber, but when a man and woman marries there should not be a need for a husband to compete for his wife.

She is the one that betrayed a 20 year marriage. She is the one who gave to another that which she denied her husband. She is the one that put herself in the position she now finds herself. He should kick the bitch to the curb and if he is as good an IT man as he should be then he could add RX instructions to the asshole's medical orders that would be impossible to trace. Good story and looking forward to Ch. 03.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Well, I can see where it's going..cuckolded wimp weak spined husband.

We will see what the next chapter brings. But, odds are 5:1 it will just be another cheating and forgiven wife tale. This guy should of told Amber to shove it up her ass; that he would never be there for a cheating slut wife. But, we see what is apparently cast into concrete. Let the cock sucking slut be taken care of by the cuckolding lover.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
the last chapter spoiled this story

i agree, this story seems to end up with the usual wimp cuckold, accepting his wifes cheating and being oh so understanding in helping her back in his life towards a new and happy time together, thats just bulls...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Amber spoke the PC lies that most want to hear

What she would have said in the real world is I have been there. Meet her tell her it is over and she needs to be prepared to be divorced and that you are moving on with your life with some capable or really loving you. You dont make good for the adulterous cheater and make the betrayed wallow in humiliation. You take the offending cancer and cut it away to die on its own. Were I the husband instead of being at her beside I would be with a lawyer laying out divorce papers and having her served with papers at St Mary's as well as removing her from my insurance. Women like this are called two dollar whores, they give guys in bars blowjobs to pay for their drinks. She is a useless piece of trash. And he isnt smart enough to see that Amber wants him for herself?

hansbwlhansbwlalmost 13 years ago
Dilemma,

Steve has a big dilemma, to take care of a maybe invalided wife who has cheated - or not. I liked the story, but not the writing style - going back in time so often as he is doing here. The story does not flow as I would have prefered it. The "memories" could be short and more of a telegraphic style to improve flow - with other words - a style change to make it clear for the reader he is into memories. Just a suggestion.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
The fucking bitch needs to pay

I really like the God hates me angle. If there was one like they say the cheating slut would pay, but I like how this god takes it out on the faithful. Please don't turn him into a wimp.

hikewithapackhikewithapackalmost 13 years ago
keep it up

Ok. There are things that you can work on to make this flow better. However, the value in a story is in the ability to make the reader feel/understand something. I really felt this guy's pain. Well done. Keep writing. The technical aspects can be fixed.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
I'm with Mousse9..

.. you mixed up fighting FOR and fighting OVER. Steve already lost, when he had to fight OVER Jill.

Gave it 1 star because this is just going to be another craptastic RAAC-story.

RehnquistRehnquistalmost 13 years ago
Curious How It Plays Out

Yes, Amber's advice may sound cliche and wrong, at least from a male point of view. Still, I'd love to hear from a female commenter with her thoughts. Remember, men and women really do think differently. That's why it's so hard to write a believable story.

And yes, while the husband may eventually take the wife back, we still don't know the frequency, duration, or depth of her affair. Would reconciliation be painful? Of course. Still, would you really throw away a 20-year marriage--and label the wife a complete incurable slut--if they only did it that once and if she never actually gave him a blowjob but only kissed the tip of his pecker? And if she was . . . I don't know, just going through a massive mid-life crisis?

Either way, I'm along to read the rest to see how it plays out.

If I had one technical suggestion, it would be to split the dialogue out into paragraphs of their own. Combining the dialogue with descriptive prose in long paragraphs can be jarring to the eye, and readers may be just skimming over the words without realizing it's dialogue.

RePhilRePhilalmost 13 years ago
Dont trash this story yet

There are signs that he won't be a wimp ass cuckold. So give the writer a chance to save the guy. Maybe the next chapter will be a turning point! Hopefully we will see him raise up!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
better

better than the first part. Hopefully the next chapter will be even better.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
what the fuck,let lover take care of the whore

fight for what,wife gave up her rights with affair.move on and get another lady.let boys know what she did and let her lover take care of whore.every trip he take he think wife cheating.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Keep Writing

You have a great story going here.

You are dragging out emotions that are hard to deal with.

Steve is going to take more hits from his wife for sure.

This type of twisting emotions and the thoughts it evocks from us is why we read LW stories.

We want other insights into understanding reasons for the parties motivations to act in the first place and to hear in her words why she did this.

The reason for the wife's adultery?

Her justifications.

The husband's resulting pain and his reactions to her cheating and to her. His resulting course of action.

Add into this the surrounding family and friends adding their two cents for their own adgenda's. Both good and bad.

let's not forget the two grown sons reaction to having a tramp for a mother. What is their reaction to the father?

Azpiri, I for one look forward to your efforts.

You are doing a great job dealing with a wife's cheating in a small closely knit community.

Bring on your best!

Thanks for writing.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
from the female view...

as requested...

he SHOULD not go

let her wake up, lying in bed, with no feelings in her body..

just in her mind...

let HER feel just exactly what she had done

made her bed, let her lie in it...

Amber's advise was bad..can't see a female even saying that, especially as she said she knows what he's going through...

hey, a female that has been in that situation knows a good guy when she sees one, she would have been laying the ground work to catch him on the rebound, not give out bad advise that could/would backfire

hug him, hold his hand...make phone calls for him, get updates from the other hospital for him

NOT send him there..

looking forward to round 3...i mean chap 3.

v

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
ok

at least now he knows he cant trust her ...at all...and her sucking another mans cock n never his...sorry unforgivable...i may ask for answers ...but as far as me taking care of the bitch ever again...may she rot in hell....id take her to her lovers ouse n drop her on his front door step ...and for it yo be that publicc where everyone there knows....no fucking way...id have been out fucking the hottest whore i could find the minute i found out...if possible id give her every known disease known to man just so she could pass the favor on...except she may never be able to fuck the asshole again..but if shes paralyzed so fucking what...she has a lifetime left to figure out how to get around in a wheel chair ...she can also figure out how to find another man since she is now paralyzed also...should be fun dating n finding someone strong enough to carry you around as he dances...if she is the bitch got what she deserved...just out or respect though i'd send her b days cards n cards for special occasions yet...with my n my new wifes n kids pic just a smiling out at her ...and do it all from peaks in colo to beaches in hawaii. and oh my isnt alaska beautiful also we can exchange new life pics ...dont let him wimp out

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Amber/Jill/Gloria

Amber, while having experienced the dilemma of a faithless man, is still too young to make emotional and solid advice to anyone in this situation. Perhaps, she secretly wishes her man had stuck around and she is encouraging Steve to do something she wishes she could have had - a man to stick around and love her. Her advice, under the circumstances - ill founded.

Gloria, she has a cheating husband and apparently she decided a long time ago that what is good for the goose, is good for the gander. Having Jill discover her dalliance with Chris, eventually girls talk and one thing leads to another and Jill gets it on, and seemingly with Don as well; re: - the pool deck incident. Gloria is a good friend and will not throw Jill under the bus and it seems possible that Jill has got some sexual attention at the gym as well and then - there is Officer Jimmy.

Jill, even though Steve totally loved her, even when she was skinny and homely and gave her 20 years of husband/fatherly love. She thought nothing of flirting with Officer Jimmy and giggling at fun he poked at her husband, an obviously aroused officer, hurting her husband. Jill allowed herself to be fondled at the Christmas party, by the officer at the pool bbq and her words of...'I can't believe I wasted 20 years', does not become something a loving and emotional husband is EVER going to forget. Now, in the middle of the night she is out with another man and giving him a blow job.

Author, you are borderline suggesting he is one - a real man, mature enough to realize that she has given no thought to her vows and his love for her and she has just simply said - to hell with him - I'm enjoying myself - no marriage, just disrespect, put downs, flirting, cheating and total unadulterated infidelity with absolutely no care for husband, children or reputation...and two - turning him into a low self esteem wuss, that will do anything to keep her - memories be damned...an absolute joke - right?

He may not be an adonis, a muscle building gym jock but he is a man, a responsible loving father and husband, a good man. The boys are grown and gone, she has been cheating with no regard for him and everything he stood for and meant to her.

You say you read response and look for suggestions...well, whether she ends up in a wheelchair or walking, he can still be cordial with her because she is the mother of his sons. He needs to divorce her, walk away, no man deals with the memories of a cheating wife, especially one who openly allows others to ridicule him while she giggles. She needs her ass kicked but neither he or I would hit a woman. Divorced, with her looks and attitude, she'll have plenty of suitors and sex. Unfortunately, with all the extra dating and exercise, time does a funny thing to (she is now a Cougar) attractive sluts - they begin to lose it and the men slowly begin to fade away.

Steve is never going to forget how much he loved her, loved their 20 years but he will separate those memories from the reality of who she has become. No hormone imbalance, no drugs, just cheating for the thrill of bigger dicks and doesn't even need alcohol to use as an excuse. Twenty yeras and the slut comes out, kick her out, don't bad mouth her, she already made her reputation known and it will grow with her random dating and sexual escapades!

Amber is too youg, Gloria and her husband are faithless cheats, it's a small town, everyone knows everything - let him be a bachelor...who knows - maybe a divorced doctor in her middle ages will come along and then - who knows?

I like your story and your writing ability - different, but interesting.

My suggestion, let him loose, she can be remorseful as hell, but she likes a bigger dick, she disrespected him, may feel badly about it but when it counted - she didn't give a damn. Steve is still young enough to find an honest woman who who totally appreciate and love him.

Thanks again!l

bigguy323bigguy323almost 13 years ago
Steve needs to tell Amber to piss off. It's his business and his feelings. If she can't be on his side and see things from his point of view then she needs to just butt out!

With any luck the bitch will be permanently paralyzed.

Harryin VAHarryin VAalmost 13 years ago
REHNQUIST you are totally missing the BIGGER issue

You wrote-- and quite reasonably

..."Would reconciliation be painful? Of course. Still, would you really throw away a 20-year marriage--and label the wife a complete incurable slut--if they only did it that once and if she never actually gave him a blowjob but only kissed the tip of his pecker? And if she was . . . I don't know, just going through a massive mid-life crisis?..."

and????.... and?????? and ???????

Dude how can you be this blind?

WHY isnt there anyone in this story saying to the husband " wow what she did to you is terrible". ????

WHY does Steve HAVE to be one to suck it up?

WHY does Steve HAVE to be the one who seeks an explanation?

WHY does Steven has to make the EXTRA effort to understand the wife?

Less thn 30 seconds after Steve tell his two women friends What happened .. that he caught hsi wife fucking another man AND how this car " accident" Happened BOTH WOMEN ARE SCREAMING AT HIM THAT HE HAS TO GO SEE THE WIFE

30 seconds...

Neither one of them express any Sympathy for steve.

Nothing

Neither of these 2 so called friends utter a single negative comment about what the wife has done.

not a word.

she wasnt in REGULAR a car accident!!!!

she was sucking a Guys' cock so hard he lost control of the God damn Carc for god's sake...

ChagrinedChagrinedalmost 13 years ago
My Advice - get an editor!!

I admit that I haven't read the whole story yet. But, I just can't proceed when I see so many mistakes that any student of a first year creative writing class would avoid. I found these in the first 3 paragraphs.

Tip #1 Avoid trite sayings. "Towering trees". When compared to a sports car, most trees are towering. Just say trees.

Tip #2 Don't state the obvious. "Dark summer's night"; unless there is a full moon, is there any other kind of night? Night is dark by definition.

Tip #3 Don't over-describe. Tell then enough to give a mental picture. And when you do use description, have a thesaurus around. Don't use words in description which mean the same thing. For example; twisting and winding mean the same thing. You used these back to back to describe the road. This is redundant. How about calling it a snaky road?

Try this and you will find the writing is much better. For that you need an editor.

I know a lot of comments will be on my ass because all the folks want to tear apart the story or just get on to the fuck parts. But who says the fuck parts can't be later and the trail to them filled with good writing?

Best Regards,

C

MissouriUSAMissouriUSAalmost 13 years ago
Still don't know enough to understand if the story is any good.

I didn't think that this chapter added anything to the story. Regardless of whether he ends up taking her back, the way the first two chapters are written, the husband is coming off as a spineless toad. The first two chapters have been focused on the husband wallowing in self pity. Woe is me! Woe is me!

If there is another chapter (I didn't see an indication that there would be unless I missed it.), instead of focusing the whole time on how the husband feels like shit, let him grow a pair so that he can figure out how to deal with it.

Yeah, yeah, we know that the wife did the dirty and we know that she is probably a worthless pile of crap. But even crap needs to be dealt with. Sooner or later, I guess it will be later now, the husband is going to have to have enough strength to either: move on with his life based upon the information that he has now and leave his wife's recovery to her friends and other family members or, he is going to have to confront her. The way the husband's character has been written so far, it doesn't seem like he is strong enough to do anything but wallow.

Not trying to be too critical or anything. I appreciate your effort.

SELSTIMSELSTIMalmost 13 years ago
Not Sure

You have almost based your entire story on Steve's erratic thinking process during a crisis. Not a very easy task for the writer or the reader. Almost every scenario has taken place in his head. Stressful emotional thinking isn't linear making it difficult to follow. Your good at portraying the anger and turmoil that Steve is going through and how a person, whose life has just become "shattered", desperately tries to reestablish order and security. How the imput of others effect his thinking and emotions as he strives to prioritize what's important in his life. All through Steve's thoughts which are not sequential. Again, not a very easy task for a writer and I'm not sure very prudent when an author wants their story to flow smoothly so the reader may become immersed in the tale. It's definately not a story you can skim through which seems a lot of the readers have done. So, why didn't you simply write a sequential story? I'm intrigued but unfortunately I think your story has become just like Steve's life, "Shattered". Simply, too hard to read. Thank you

energystarenergystaralmost 13 years ago
I almost agree with..

Everything SELSTIM said except I think it is coming together. It really helped now that I know it has chapters. My peeve is that other criticize the story for what a character says. Not because it did not fit in with that character, but because they do not agree with that character. It's like we are talking about real people. The main guy should do what he wants to do. If his standards makes him help the wife until she recovers, then he should. It is not a right or wrong question, but is a story. and a good one at that.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
good writing

IS THIS RELNQUIST THE AUTHOR WHO WRITES WITH THE SAME STYLE, ARE YOU USING ANOTHER NAME HERE. WHATEVER YOU ARE STILL WRITE VERY GOOD STORIES..

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Good so far

Character consistency is very important, matters not if the character is good or bad. So far you have done a very good job with Steve. You have not given us much yet on Jill. If this turns into a RAAC story you will need to pull off a miracle to rationalize her actions. 98% of the authors on LIT fail to do that IMO.

You are good, pls keep writing

RehnquistRehnquistalmost 13 years ago
It's Not Me, Anon, And Harry . . .

Your point is well made: Steve's female friends or, at the least, acquaintances, all seem to ignore what his wife did to him. I agree. That, however, has nothing to do with what he should ultimately decide to do himself. To be honest, if I were in Steve's shoes, I have no idea what I'd do. My gut instinct would be to file the divorce immediately if not sooner. Then again, I tend to agree with Selstim's analysis. Steve's thought processes are shattered by crisis upon crisis.

Close your eyes (after you read this, of course) and think about it: You've caught your loving wife of 20 years--the woman of your dreams and the anchor of your life--betraying you in a way you never imagined possible. Add to that her sudden car accident where she may be paralyzed. Yeah, she was giving lover boy a blow job, but you've still got to explain this to your children, too. Your children who now may not just be losing their mother or at the very least having to see her paralyzed, but the children who may soon also get to see their parents divorced inexplicably and out of the blue. Should Steve tell them about her infidelity? What does that accomplish except the momentary gratification of puffing up his own chest at the expense of having the children question everything they were ever taught--most of it undoubtedly good--by the cheating wife?

No, I don't really think the female reactions to this are really believable. Still, you can't really project their statements onto Steve. To the contrary, they're just another layer of shit for Steve to deal with while he's trying to deal with all of the other crises.

And no, Anon, this isn't me writing the story. If it were, I would not have commented above with the technical suggestions to improve the writing.

Thanks anyway, though.

Harryin VAHarryin VAalmost 13 years ago
fair enough Rehnquist

I dont want you or others to think that I am totally against ANY reconciliation in this cliche filled story.

that is NOT MY issue. I am pretty certain that if there is a reconciliation it has been STARTED by the person who scrwed up... NO?

It is OFFENSIVE to have the onus of action to be place ONLY on the Husband/man.

and so far that is the entire story.

It is SHOCKING that a writer could actually write a story this one sided...this distubed... this delusional and NOT see this BEFORE the story is published

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
You really need an editor

I suppose a question you need to ask yourself is whether you are publishing "literature" (as the decomposition of "literotica" might imply), or just "someone's writings".

If the answer is the latter, then forge ahead! Your characters have emotional complexity, though maybe not depth, and finding out where you are taking this story is fascinating in and of itself. (Personally it looks to me like this marriage has gotten to the point that he helps her home from the hospital for her to find that he already lives somewhere else and the divorce papers are waiting on the coffee table. [subthought: Why should he move? Ans: Why would he want those neighbors?])

Have you thought about what the timeline in Steve's life actually looks like? I was a bit shocked to discover that the relationship with Chris is apparently much less than a week old. The fractured timeline we readers have been presented with is one thing, but have you thought about where all these different things we have heard about fit in Steve and whatsername's life?

If the answer to the question at the top of the comment is the former, then you really need an editor. You need someone who is willing to take you to the mat on all kinds of issues. It has to be someone else, because having decided to run this much up the flagpole, you don't have the kind of time needed to let it sit and go cold, else your adoring (and not so) public will be clamoring for your electronic blood.

Some issues your editor needs to address:

Poor word choice:

"She...subconsciously licked her lips..." "un", not "sub"

"In a cold tone that belied his thoughts on a cheating wife" You're saying he was not coldly angry about the subject? I think you wanted "betrayed"

Too many words: (this could be a really long list)

"whimsical" laughter - unnecessary, and wrong tone, too

"Placing her hand upon his forearm" - tighten it up, please

Why does a pause have to be "pregnant"?

"reckless and stupid"?

Staging:

Gloria "crossing the room" It was a hospital cafeteria, so it's either a really tiny hospital, or I'm getting flashes of Monty Python, Benny Hill, or that Irish guy doing parodies of "Wuthering Heights" - Maybe they've been having this discussion in semaphore?

The timeline. Period.

Really, all you have to do is be willing to bleed in blue pencil, and you might have something, here.

elegant.caenorrhabditis

RehnquistRehnquistalmost 13 years ago
Harry, I Agree With You, But . . .

The wife is still in the hospital and--apparently--unconscious. Thus, there has still not even been a confrontation between husband and wife. Yes, it's one-sided so far because all of the female characters are pushing him to not just up and leave, but we haven't really heard a male perspective yet outside hubby's.

And with the exception of the lover having a gargantuan pecker, I'm going to reserve my thoughts on whether there are too many cliches.

NOTE TO AUTHOR: Please don't have her say--even fucking once--that it was just sex and she still loves hubby. If you do, I'll immediately side with Harry as that one line--so often used--is usually sufficient to spiral the whole story into a pit of cliches.

StangStar06StangStar06almost 13 years ago
Great job so far

You've got us interested, keep it going!

bruce22bruce22almost 13 years ago
Great Story!

We are excited by it and bothered by it. He sounds like most people do when they have suffered a terrible shock. I admit that he should blacklist Gloria and certainly should not go to the hospital except maybe to read her the riot act with witnesses. How can he do anything except attack her, ----

verbally and tell her not to expect him to fight for other than a divorce. The amusing thing is that he has no pictures and no one will testify to the facts so he can not even use the grounds of adultery because, he has no evidence!

One aside is that we all say what we would do in this situation but most of us are super confident that the SO would not ever do anything like that, which, of course, would add to the trauma of having it happen.

vietvetvietvetalmost 13 years ago
Liked this part better:

Easier to follow and makes more sense than the first part.

My only comment other than that at this time is to agree with what the JUDGE says.

Thanks for writing.

Tom AKA Vietvet

Scorpio44Scorpio44almost 13 years ago
Ok, I want the rest of the story...

You've given us enough hints of some of the directions the story could go, so let's go and see where you take us!

Sandman55Sandman55almost 13 years ago

This was a little bit better.

grogers7grogers7almost 13 years ago
Be cool, don't jump to conclusions

I am not a fan of willing wimp stories. We do not know if Steve is a wimp. The title of the story gives insight to Steves thoughts and actions. Lets not jump to conclusions about how he will behave when he puts the pieces of himself back together. We have already seen his professional problem solving skills when he was first called at 3:00AM to solve a network problem that prevented the radiological techs and docs from viewing an ER CAT scan.

It does not look like Jill is going to be able to use the "one mistake" ploy. So far we have Dan the neighbor, Officer Jimmy, Jonathan not a John, and Chris the forklifter, plus the guy who was banging her in her bed. She's been working up to this midnight ride through the woods, which in itself is an audacious attack on her husband. Steve was not on a b-trip, or working late. So far as Jill knew, Ol' Stevie Rooster was just drivin' his junker home after another day with the bits and bytes. When he caught her "in flagrante delicto" she did not care that he might catch her. The Rooster did not stick around to let her know about his discovery, so Jill was ignorant when she agreed to explore the countryside with one of her fuckbuddies. For all she knew, Steve was comin' home for dinner.

Amber did not suggest that Steve go to Jill on bended knee to forgive and forget. She advised him to get closure so he could more confidently move on. She doesn't want remnants of his 20+ year love affair with Jill to spill over into her future plans. Smart girl, and to mind, definitely female advice in support of female planning.

How does Gloria know that "Chris is not that kind of guy" ??

Mousse99: Very well stated: fighting "for" vs. fighting "over"

Wo was on the other end of Steve's phone call at the end of chapter one?

Whether Steve goes to see Jill or not, she will still be tortured by her wish that her actions did not lead to her injuries. All of us wish we could rescind that moment before we caused some event. If Steve shows up as a man he will put that into sharper contrast for her. And he really has to be there for his sons who will need his support during their own trauma. They need to know the truth: why should their father have to endure the most severe emotional trauma of his life without their love and support?? Why should they have to wonder why their father is not immediately and totally devoted to their mother's recuperation?

With respect for Chagrined as an author: There are many types ot trees and groupings of trees that are along the side of, or overhang, a country road. There are many shades of dark at night depending on where you are and what is in the sky. Your descriptions are not redundant.

Ok, Azpiri, you have the troops stoked. Time to get on with this story. Love it or hate it, we are all waiting. Congrats on your writing.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
All the other commentors

have talked about the wimp husband. Now I want to talk about your writing style. You have way to much fluf in your story, his 'daydreams', his thoughts and other meanderings. I much have skipped over 25% of your ramblings to get to the meat of the story. One exapmle is the 'long walk down the ER corridor' it did not do anything for the story, so leave it out. JMHO

DeckviewDeckviewalmost 13 years ago
Agree with most of the comments, but I still say you have talent

Yes, there are many cliches and over discribed scenes, but the story is still interesting and the writing shows promise!

Rockyderek_caRockyderek_caalmost 13 years ago
Good chapter

Good installment, I appreciate the relative plausibility found in your story so far... Also the contributions of the support characters such as the advice from the office gal about getting closure by talking to his wife whether he tries to reconcile or not. Look forward to how you write the wife's explanation for her behavior, too many authors avoid it altogether. I disagree with the anonymous hordes who demand all totally original material, not necessary all the time or for the whole story, just do a thorough job of her reasoning. I suspect the late bloomer wife was trying to see what she lissed as a 18-22 year old... A common yet plausible cause for her derailment.

Mousse9Mousse9almost 13 years ago

Energystar has a point, the sayings of one in-story character (Amber) is not a preview of what Steve is GOING to do. It's not a prediction. It's merely the opinion of one character. (I probably overreacted to her statements a bit much...)

That said, Amber DOES seem to have an extraordinary hold over Steve, where he even in his anger, agrees to Amber's demand that he see Jill.

And yeah, it IS very noticeable that NOBODY seems to feel for Steve. All everybody is saying that the accident is so terrible, poor, poor Jill, Steve has to go see her and be there for her, etc. Urrgh....

Grogers7:

"Amber did not suggest that Steve go to Jill on bended knee to forgive and forget. She advised him to get closure so he could more confidently move on."

Except that she did. Copy/pastes coming up:

"Steve, swallow your pride and be there for your wife."

Be there when she wasn't? Swallow his pride and take her back, is what this says.

"I'm not saying let this guy walk all over you. No, I'm just saying that you need to show your wife that you love her in good times and in bad. She'll see you for the man you truly are. You're not going to penalize her for making one mistake after twenty years, are you?"

That guy already has walked all over him.

He has to love her in good times and bad when she obviously doesn't? It goes both ways.

Who said it was one mistake? Should he NOT penalize her for cheating on him? I already talked about mistakes, but this one is a doozy!

"You ask her. You confront her head on and ask point blank. You have to find out why she did what she did. Maybe there's more to the story than you know?"

Ofcourse, ask her, so she can think up some excuses and beg to take her back. Steve already knows, she cheated. More to the story than he knows? Like...blackmail? It's the only thing I can think of that would in any way excuse her actions. All the rest is just crap.

"You need the closure, Steve. Even if things don't work out between you and your wife, you need to know so that you can understand where things went wrong."

Basically she says Steve has to swallow his pride, make nice with Jill and be a goodytwoshoes loving husband. He has to prove himself so she'll know what a good man he is! *Eyeroll*

Amber is already making excuses for Jill, saying that maybe there's more to it than Steve knows. The wife had a cheating itch, that's where it went wrong. Steve already knows that.

Amber IS saying to Steve to forgive and forget.

Rockyderek_caRockyderek_caalmost 13 years ago
Dear harrying VA

Just out curiousity Harry, could you fill in your profile a bit, I am and I imagine others may be too, curious about your statistics ... You seem to be a bit of a torch the bitch kind of a guy, are you thrice divorced and the exes vampires, I mean lawyers have direct debiting to your account or what?? Again, just curious about a frequent commentator, just wondering where your coming from.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Waiting but predicting an irrational RAAC....

lousy ending. A lot of comments, but has anyone taken into consideration the multiple instances of this self-centered bitch's cheating? Obviously the whore has made her choice to cross over the marriage boundaries & doesn't give a damm about the consequences.

Interestingly enough, this slut is very similar to Debbie-the-slut from [DQS's epic tale], Susie-deranged from Winterfoxx's "Dig two graves" and all of sluts from that moronic idiot Matt M's despicable stories.

The female who did respond & comment - thank you for your insight. We appreciate it.

Unfortunately, we will have to hear from the fags "shoe-phil & demantoid" to understand how this was all the clueless husbands fault in the first place. Puke!

KenfromIndyKenfromIndyalmost 13 years ago
Keep going doing fine writing

Your doing good with this story please keep going! It has been worth time to read.

My only issue and it is minor and may be my reading but in the first chapter was really broken up. I had some problem following character conversations because of his mental thoughts.

2nd chapter much better and had no issues reading. So may have just been me? Didn't read any of comment on first chapter so don't know if I am alone in this??

I haven't read many comments on this chapter either but don't let the haters (especially Anonymous) get to you - I am sure they are in there. Most commenters have never written a story.

To be truthful I haven't either but I have started and I KNOW and UNDERSTAND how difficult and the TIME it takes to put out a story and you are doing really good work!!

Please keep writing and posting so I can keep reading.

Thank you.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Good Story But...

Let me keep this short and sweet. My wife cheated on me 20 years ago. She gad a two year affaire with her boss. We had small children at the time so I forgave her sort of. You see it never goes away. You never forget, and I've lived with the pain and reminders for all theses years. I did this for my children but the price was way to high.

demantoiddemantoidalmost 13 years ago
Wow...so much better!

Great second chapter...WOW! I love the way the plot is turning. In my minds eye, this story revolves around the women characters being the epitome of the "C" word and the protagonist the epitome of the other "C" word. So on the one hand, this story will appeal to all the misogynists of the world (using the first "C" word). But in the battle of the sexes, is there really an opposite to a misogynist...i.e. is there a specific word for women who hate men? Not really! So one of the great appeals to stories like this (and to a large extent, most stories on LW) is the mystery of why women cheat...could it be as simple as they just hate men? It is my hope that this author sees this also and will brilliantly delve into the "the hatred of men" theme (the second "C" word). I agree with another commenter, please no "it was just sex". Instead "I really just hate men you fucking "C"."

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
WTF..this site is for fuck stories. I got it finally that his wife was blowing Chris in his

car. Friend I'll give you a lesson. You can't write the great literary novel here. You come across as dumb and a wimp. There's liberal wimps and just wimps. You belong to the former class. It doesn't make being a wimp better. No you go on right ahead a be the literary wimp.

xtremeddxtremeddalmost 13 years ago
OK, I'll weigh in........

A,

Liked story and still do.

RE:Comments, this is amateur writing.

Author, write your story, we'll read it and like it or not. Appreciate the lack of "mindless" anonymous comments as most were very solid.

But... An editor is priceless. To author acceptance of weakness is likened to humility, the moment you think you are humble you loose your humility. The strength of your writing is your editing or editors clarification. Can't see the forest for the "Tall" trees, cliché.

Great story with painful emotional conflict and suspense.

Thanks for sharing on Lit.

x

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Amber is almost wise, but not quite

He has to be there for his sons, not the wife - it will be tough to 'man up' and see the slutwife thru this tough time but his boys deserve their dad to be there and help them with their mother

ChagrinedChagrinedalmost 13 years ago
Harry's Humble Beginnings.

Rockyderek_ca,

Harry in Va, is one of my favorite commentators. Yeah , I don't always agree, but he always has a point. So I looked him up on the internet and ascertained these facts.

Yes, his name is Harry and he lives in Virginia. And if Virginia's husbands finds out, boy, will he be pissed!

Harry 's family hails from Mass. and comes from a long line of blue-bloods. His Great-grandmother 8 times removed, was the supplier for the patches with the letter "A". These, as you know, were used extensively for identifying women of fallen virtue.

More can be found about our stalwart Harry and his kin at www.rabblerousers.com.

regards,

C

digdaddyrichdigdaddyrichalmost 13 years ago
Not a lot of forward progress in this chapter

Still left hanging. So what is he going to do?

It reads as if the next door neighbor has had his way with Steve's wife along with the handyman.

I don't think that he would be so forgiving and be bye her side, when she recovers from the operation. She made the mess in her life, let her clean it up.

Mousse9Mousse9almost 13 years ago

Hatred of men: Misandry

There you go.

And to add yet another pointless addendum, Amber telling Steve to find out what went wrong, and how he could avoid it the next time...that means Jill's cheating was because he had done/NOT done something?

Again, that's squarely putting the blame on Steve...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
and now ?

after the very good advice of Amber (who oddly seems to know it too not only the so called female neighbour friend) he is the dutyful husband, who is nursing his quadriplegic wife for the rest of her life and is thanking her boytoy for the accident because this way he the husband has her now definitly for himself, she won't run away anymore and no other guy is interested in her anymore, so he is thanking him that he made her faithful for ever.

nice very nice

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Turned South

What the fuck does this Amber bimbo know? I'd slap the shit out of her and tell her to mind her own motherfucking business if she knows what's good for her. If the whoring bitch didn't die on the operating table, I'd finish it myself.

RHinSCRHinSCalmost 13 years ago
Okay So Far

Nothing she can say is going to make it all better. The kids are adults. The wreck may throw a wrench into the works, but that doesn't mean he will have to forgive and forget. I know that my driving skills decline rapidly if a woman has her head in my lap. It goes to show that you shouldn't give fate the finger. I agree with Mousse9, someone should write one like this with the genders reversed. We would see the wife running all over town pleading with the husband not to fuck his secretary and the waitress. "Oh honey, please don't fuck them anymore, I will do better I promise." "I'll loose weight, I'll do my pussy exercises, I'll even get the doctor to take it up a couple of stitches." "If you have to continue please tell me when you will be home so I can have your food ready and waiting." "I am going to fight for our marriage no matter what because I loooooovvvee you." And then she drops to her knees and sucks the other womans juices off him. Right?

louguy35louguy35almost 13 years ago
Harry VA is correct.

Harry VA is ABSOLUTELY correct! This story presents practically every justification there is for blaming the husband for the wife's adultery, and in no way, holding her accountable for her infidelity.

In addition, it remains a disjointed and "shattered" story.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago

Continue, but sane people hope Stve doesn't listen to these whimpering women to for give his whore of a wife that will sucdk other mens cocks and not his. Ieally, he could some way cut off the assholes big cock and shove it down her throat, making the slut watch as he slowly cuts the cock and ballsoff, and the last thing that dying asshole sees si his cock being shove down the whores throat. But on the up side, if Steve does decide to forgive the slut, hopefully she is paralized and then he can use her chating body any way he wants, fucking her mouths and shooting loada of sperm into her throat, and fucking her hopefully virgin asshole and then making her suck him clean afterwards.

vietvetvietvetalmost 13 years ago
Harry:

Could the author really be "SHOE" as most of his arguments have been incorporated into this farce.

( sorry Phil, just had to do that)

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
just a bit of clarity

There is no basis for the husband's forgiveness.

The husband is portrayed as being unaware, at least consciously, of his wife's unhappiness, which regardless of his insensitivity, reveals that his wife has not communicated her dissatisfaction. So far, the story has the wife showing no remorse whatsoever. No regret over her betrayal.

Adultery above all is a betrayal of trust. Other than wishful thinking and/or simple denial, what basis is there for the betrayed, to 'trust' that it won't happen again? That temptation will not be given into once more? If any guilt, remorse and regret was insufficient to compel the adulterer to confess the first time, any future discovery of another adultery would be undeniable proof of untrustworthiness and that any prior 'regret' was insufficient to stop the behavior. So the adulterer would have every incentive to lie and conceal the truth yet again.

Extending forgiveness when no amends have been offered, when the offending party shows no remorse or regret (prior to being discovered, as after the fact, its 'regret' at being caught) is encouraging the behavior to continue. For why would someone stop pleasurable activity for which one has no remorse or regret and that has no unpleasant consequences?

The full story is not yet revealed but if, as so typically happens, the lesson turns out to be that the husband and wife need to open up and leave behind their sexual inhibitions, the author does his readers a disservice because adultery reveals much more about ones character than it does about ones libido or frustrations.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Bullshit

let the slut's flings take care of her. Fuck Amber and her adivce, he had the right idea from the start. No need to have any more interactions with the slut than is needed to procure the divorce. Anmything else is crap

victoriangentvictoriangentalmost 13 years ago
Too much bullshit about chickens.

The weasel has already been in the hen house. No point in closing the chicken coop door now. Just send good old Chris the hospital bill and move on. And the answer to the age old question "why" is as simple as it has always been. Because she wanted too.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
LOL, great observation Vievet [but Shoe's to stupid to pull this off]

And to mirror Louguy35 comments - Harry is absolutely correct.

Newsflash - read "C2C's The Accident" saga if you want to bet on where this author is taking this story. The setup of the plot is dangerously similar and unfortunately the resolution may be as disappointing and wimpy as was C2C's original story.

AzpiriAzpirialmost 13 years agoAuthor
Comments from the author

First off, as many of the comments will show, I'm an amateur writer so I'm not anyone in disguise. I'm me. I really appreciate all of the encouraging words (and the spirit of the discouraging words).

Second, while I like curious2c as a writer, I'm not familiar with "The Accident" so I can't say if my story will follow his path or not.

Third, I wanted to comment on the advice the characters have given. Like real life, advice from your friends isn't always the greatest.

Fourth, an editor... This series is opening my eyes to that need. However, I'm going to struggle through this storyline on my own. If that causes people to be upset or downplay me, that's fine. I want to establish a baseline for myself.

Fifth, some of the details that I overdescribe are for an aesthetic value. For example, the long hallway where they give transition of care needed to be described as such. When Steve walks down that hallway, he went from running away to getting information so he can confront the cause of his pain/betrayal.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Tortured cuck rationalizations

This wimp story is nothing more than a cuck with a dominant whore wife fetish trying to dress it up with psychobable. Gloria is nothing more than a primitive reflection of the author's true feelings giving disatstrous advice that can only be seen as insane but nurturing to a cuck fetishist. I'll admit he must be effective if he even pulls Harry into his nightmare. This is dog vomit.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
good try

For a first try at publishing your first story online, well done! i am looking to see the offending wife receive her just deserts.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Another modern lib babe suddenly no longer responsible for her own acts?

Problem is the hen made a secret deal with the weasel to give away her goodies to him and let the fool of a rooster be damned. The reality is the rooster is fighting BOTH the weasel and the hen. The hen switched sides and already kicked the rooster out along with their 20 year relationship. Torched earth policy needed here. Instead of being understanding, need to take no prisoners. By definition, assholes won't appreciate your kindness to them.

Vulcan_in_OhioVulcan_in_Ohioalmost 13 years ago
Lots of comments -- the hornets nest has been stirred

The editor issue is one that many have already mentioned. The credibility issue is another. Steve is obviously out of shape and a computer geek -- duking it out with a bigger, younger, more in-shape guy could result in Steve becoming Stevie in jail with Bubba (because Steve would have to use a weapon and jump the bad guy by surprise, which is assault and battery), or it could result in Steve getting his ass handed to him. The fox has already made off with the hen. The solution is to get a new hen!

Steve is portrayed as indecisive and wimpy. He can't decide what to do. Well, it's too bad that Jill might become quadriplegic. For her transgression, why should Steve be punished further by having to care for her (thus looking at her all the time), and therefore restricting his ability to find a more loving partner? It's one thing if one's faithful spouse has a tragic accident -- then one must provide care, morally speaking. But Jill's accident was more like the hand of God and divine retribution. Steve's life is turned upside down -- and the women from whom Steve has sought counsel are spinning Jill's little "fling" as if it were a tiny mistake, i.e., get over your male pride. My feeling: That advice doesn't pass the smell test.

I agree with those who argue for quick serving of divorce papers. No mercy -- after all, Jill broke her vows, Jill demonstrated (and stated in so many words) that she does not love Steve. So why is Steve obligated any longer towards her? I think not.

Alberta  AlAlberta Alalmost 13 years ago
A good start

You have made a good start. I am waiting for the next episodes. I am hoping that each episode shows improvement.

shdwwrtrshdwwrtralmost 13 years ago
Giving the benefit of the doubt ...

Perhaps there is another explanation for Amber's obviously problematic advice. From the information given in this chapter, it would seem that she might very well have a romantic interest in Steve, despite the age difference.

What if ... she knows some of what she's saying is bullshit but says it anyway to push him toward the closure she knows he'll get?

It's quite possible that she's come to know him pretty well. She knows he's a bit of an indecisive push over but also that he has a pretty solid moral center and will not be able to overlook this betrayal. How long will he wallow in his "man-cave" if she doesn't give him a good shove now?

So perhaps she's pushing him - in a rather underhanded, manipulative way, I'll admit - to either shit or get off the pot, knowing full well he'll get off the pot. Granted, it is far too soon, in my opinion--after all, she hasn't even been life-flighted yet--but it strikes me as a possibility.

An even stronger possibility is that she gives the clearly mixed advice that she does (be there for Jill vs. get closure), because she does not want to appear self-serving - which she believes could torpedo any chance with Steve when she finally reveals how she really feels about him.

As for Gloria, it would be helpful to note that, in all honesty, she is really Jill's friend -- not Steve's. And so her advice to Steve is all predicated on what will best serve Jill's obvious needs in the coming days and weeks, not his. After all, what would she want someone to tell her husband were she and Jill's situations reversed? So, given that point of view, I personally do not find her advice all that surprising.

Just some food for thought.

stanford_carlystanford_carlyalmost 13 years ago
Still could be improved, and maybe a little more lemon.

I think you should focus more on the wife next time. I think it's time to reveal who it was she cheated with.......just to make the story more clearer. Another thing I liked in chapter 1 were the flashbacks he was having of his wife and her lover, maybe you could do more of those......and reveal who it was she was with.

daveftworthdaveftworthalmost 13 years ago
Don't make him a wimp

You started out with him hearing her tell her lover that she wasted 20 years. That would stick in the memory of any man. The way it sounds in this episode that everyone is telling him to go to her (and implied work it out)...How could any man accept that he was never enough? There's no real chance for them...but it is your story.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Out of the few thousand people I know...

I don't know a single one that would give the advise Amber gave.. just ridiculous. Azpiri, switch the roles... husband is driving down the road with young thing staddling him... they crash... all her friends tell her to forgive... TO FIGHT FOR HER MAN? what fucing garbage... if someone tried to give my daugther that advise, I'd throw them out of the room... my daugther has morals, standards, and self esteem... she doesn't degrade herself, and chase after a worthless pile of selfish shit! Azpiri this story sounds like it was posted by a women with low self esteem... which is so sadly common because of society... a man with this low self esteem has no excuse... you scrap him out of your life like removing shit from your shoe. I hope for your sake that you're a woman.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
nonsense

It all begs such questions: how long? how many? paternity of the children? and how many others. The humiliation and crass behavior

of her, and why continue in the situation? Injured and she's not without fault, a price to be paid by her. Paralysis, now that would change her life. No sympathy for her, and give Steve the chance to have a better life, and that would include without her. Give the innocent person here a break, and there is doubt as to whether she'd be honest, even now.

NIGHTW1NGNIGHTW1NGalmost 13 years ago
Still interested

I can understand some of the negative comments,but your story is still pretty good,especially for a first time out.

Looking forward to the next chapter...

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
good writing

More total words in the comment section than in the story. Excellent job of eliciting emotional responses from your many readers.

Sending the boys to help their mother and not showing up himself would make him a hypocrite and piss-poor father.

Wife should get her chance to explain and sons need to see their dad deal with the problem head-on like a man, not a sniveling crybaby making assumptions and reaching conclusions before all the evidence is in.

Fourteen years as a superior court judge and reading the comments here remind me why we have so many jury instructions before, during and after a trial.

Keep up the good work pushing the buttons of your readers, you certainly have a compelling story so far, I hope she has a monumental explanation otherwise it is time to end the marriage.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Quick question madam,

Only in stories like these do these sort of men have the kind of 'friends' as shown in this tale. Never in my 70 years have I actually met people like this, but in these stories, they're everywhere!!! Why do you think that is?

I'll offer my opinion, but don't bother answering because I won't be coming back to see your answer, and I've elected to remain anonymous in this case because I simply choose to.

The answer is, because it's a man hating woman who's writing this story!!

Eh? See? I figured you out! LOL

RedlyteRedlytealmost 13 years ago
Really?

You know I was enjoying this story until you started the unrealistic view that even though she cheated that he is less of a man if he does not support her or fight for her. He fought for her and won when she married him. he fought for her everyday that he worked, lived and stayed true to her. So maybe she is not a woman at all ... you can choose what name to replace her with.

zed0zed0almost 13 years ago
I Smell a Wimp

It is with trepidation I will read the next chapter.

RedbeakRedbeakalmost 13 years ago
An unpromising beginning

. . . just got very much worse.

tazz317tazz317almost 13 years ago
ALWAYS READ,,,,THEN RE-READ

AFTER RE READING...THE WHOLE STORY MAKES SENSE AND BECAME CLEAR....HE DEINITELY WASNT A ROCKET SCIENTIST, BUT STILL CAME UP SMELLING GOOD.....WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HIS OFFSPRINGS. KEEP WRITING AND SUBMITTING. TK U MLJ LV NV

norcal62norcal62almost 13 years ago
Story is improving with Amber's input.

That character has finally brought some reality and intelligence in this "Nerd and the Beauty Queen" story. The story has wandered because the author has trouble handling timelines and transitions. Instead the story jumps back and forth with history and thoughts jumbled together. Maybe we'll see better in Ch. 3.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
hates wimps but loves cucks

Author does a commendable job of expressing both male and female slant on cheating. Of course the wimphaters prefer that the story moves straight to the creampie-eating but this author steers away from such self-indulgence.

Grappling with this situation at 3 a.m. with the associated stress and uncertainty is deftly portrayed by the author.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 12 years ago
What a pile of shit!

Glad we read the comments before we wasted any time on this dismal effort.

tazz317tazz317about 12 years ago
THE CLOSER ON THE END

the faster the end cums. TK U MLJ LV NV

reddogs88reddogs88over 11 years ago
ok until Steve turns into a wimp at the end

The ending was a steaming pile of Shit. This wimp coward Steve actually listed to another Cunt Amber who like all cunts, defends his cunt wife. "she knows that she did wrong". Bullshit. This cunts putting words in another cunts mouth to try and defend her. The facts are the facts. In chapter 1, The wife made it perfectly clear that her husband was not a man and she wasted 20 years with him. 2nd she was in her current condition because she had another guys cock in her mouth. Fuck the cunt let her suffer and die. There is no forgiveness for breaking Trust! It can never change!

DunaDunaover 11 years ago

Steve was shattered as a true life character, but as a modern David will win on his Goliats.

betrayedbylovebetrayedbyloveover 11 years ago
Could have skipped this chapter

It didn't really add anything to the tale. Hopefully the next chapter brings everything out in the open.

karan9876karan9876over 11 years ago
wimpish

Steve should not go to see his wife for a closure as amber asks him too. Let the bitch suffer. He should have some pride left in him.

DunaDunaover 11 years ago
Many readers stopped reading

@ karan9876 Read this story untill the last sentences of the chapter 03...............

cliffhanger20cliffhanger20over 11 years ago
ROOSTER & WEASEL

NOt a good example. Usually Mr. Rooster winds up with no head, but Mr. Weasel will be very happy with his belly full of warm blood! My point is that if you got to fight constantly to keep her legs closed, she ain't fucking worth it!

catphan8catphan8over 11 years ago

Can this guy even think for himself! He is a fucking idiot! You really dropped the ball when you wrore this story! Why do you insist on making the guy such a wimpy idiot? I can't see where it has done the story any good. On the contrary it just makes him very unlikeable. We are supposed to feel sympathetic for his character but it is hard to do when you are constantly frustrated by his ignorance and cyncism! Like I said there is nothing likeable about this guy!!!

cantbuymycantbuymyabout 11 years ago

if you are going to complain about characters in a three part story it might be good to actually read all three parts. the author creates scenes and possible personalities but changes them in the end. read part 3 it works well. that is one reason i dont like stories with parts - make it one long story instead and break it into chapters inside the story itself. but i did not create this world that the author created and he gets to do it his way.

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