All Comments on 'Losing My Virginity'

by missmoaney

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  • 13 Comments
April0647April0647almost 13 years ago
Yea, Nerds

It's obvious you've found an editor, as this submission is much better (though not error-free). Looking forward to your next posting.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
Really bad writing

You flop between tenses, your sentence construction is for shit, and then there's this gem:

"until we both came, and until we both orgasmed." Uh, is there really a difference?

Get an editor. Better yet, quit writing. Rarely has loss of virginity seemed so boring.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 13 years ago
You need experience

You write like a virgin who has only read about sex and doesn't much care for what she's read. To be interesting, your story needs more development, more details, and a lot more passion. I've had dental check-ups that were more interesting than this story. You need to make us CARE about your characters. Your nameless "I" and "he" could be carved out of plastic for all the feelings they invoke.

For example, your paragraph,

"When he finally got pretty buzzed, I noticed he was getting slightly emotional with me, and slightly touchy. He started rubbing his hands up my leg and sometimes groped my butt and breasts. Next thing I knew he threw up in a plastic bag that was conveniently placed next to us."

Groping butt and breasts is "slightly touchy"? and how erotic is it to move from groping to his puking in a "conveniently placed" bag?

You need to work on your next submission until it has your panties wet and your thighs clutching together from your excitement before you hit the "Submit" button. Writing erotica is a visceral, not an intellectual exercise.

missmoaneymissmoaneyalmost 13 years agoAuthor
Thanks

April0647

I edited this one all on my own. I think you can tell by the jerk faces above from you. I'm not going to delete there comments though because even though they were VERY rude and decided they had to be on Anomynous to state there points, it will still be nice for future writing.

Also to you Anomynous, I have had sex once, sorry that I am not a whore that goes around my college trying to get everything she can get unlike you guys who I am sure are amazing studs or beautiful chicks who just have to spend all of there extra time bashing people on the Internet. Good job, keep it up! :D

missmoaneymissmoaneyalmost 13 years agoAuthor
Oh Yeah

And I'm not sure if you ever realized this but, not every love story is perfect. I am sorry that you are used to reading the perfect love story on here. Sometimes at college parties, people puke. If you ever had fun in your life, at least just once, you probably would have seen it or even done it yourself. I'm not big on drinking but I sure had had to hold some friends hair back in my days. Just thought I'd let you know this is how real life is buddy. If you can't accept it well sorry.

PTBzzzzPTBzzzzalmost 13 years ago
Nice effort

First, don't let the nay sayers allow you to feel bad. There are those who would not like a perfect story. Write to please yourself, at least you will enjoy it that way. If the others do not like your work, that is on them. Rick Nelson said it well in his song Garden Party: "You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself."

Second, after you write the story and have proof read it; try putting it away for a while. It can be a few hours or days. When you do not remember the writing well, try reading it again with a critical eye. Look for: if it makes sense, if there are parts that feel forced, or if the facts actually set the story up well.

If you have a time jump, let the reader know. Try the words "many years later", or some variation. Not all readers are smart enough to figure where the time went. And always use spell check, it will catch many mis-spelled words or points of poor grammer.

As you write more you will get a better feeling for how you want to say things.

Keep up the efforts, I will watch for your sh-tuff.

Sh-tuff is pronounced with with a long "sh" and a nice pause in it, for emphasis.

PTBzzzz

RossDanielsRossDanielsalmost 13 years ago
More erotic detail

Would have made the story much hotter. Hope you'll keep writing as long as you have stories to tell.

missmoaneymissmoaneyalmost 13 years agoAuthor
Thanks

Thanks you too. :D

I will be sure to do all of your suggestions ^.^

GeminiKnightGeminiKnightalmost 13 years ago
Agree with PTBzzzz

I tend to agree with PTBzzz commentary and suggestions to you. You do need a little practice working on your stories but the effort is there which I applaude you for more then the outcome. Also do not let the critics who talk negatively about your work hurt you, though it seems that you are not letting them affect you. I applaude you for that too becaue you are trying to write a story while they just criticize and insult you anonomously. It takes little courage to bash others thru the safety of being unknown, but much more to actually write and post stories here. I think this was a very sweet and loving story. Being a bit of a nerd myself I find it a nice change that the nerd girl won out and got the man of her dreams. Keep up the good work.

missmoaneymissmoaneyalmost 13 years agoAuthor
Gemini

Thank you :D

I am currently writing another one about a nerd girl. It's kinda based off of me and my love for video games. I try to relate all of my stories in some way to my life so I know somewhat how that character feels in the situation. I relate to this one because I lost my virginity in the back of a car while I was in high school. Not in the same situation though.

But anyways, my next story has a lot more detail and I am taking my time in writing it and not rushing it just to get another story out there.

DryhillDryhillalmost 13 years ago
WELL DONE

i agree with PTBzzzz and Gemini Knight, especially about those who so easily knock a story or writer yet are too frightened to let us know who they are. For my tastes the story is a tad short, but it was still very enjoyable.

Please, please keep on writing.

j.l.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Good

Great... Keep goin!!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 3 years ago
Virginity

I was 15 and prohibited from having boyfriends but was crazy about a 19 year old college freshman. He was leery about me being underage but he couldn't resist my flirtatious behavior and the short slutty skirts I wore. I could bare get my mouth around the head of his big manly cock, but he licked me to a fantastic orgasm then balled me with his huge thick penis without a rubber, then pulled out and shot his huge cumload all over me!

Anonymous
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