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by feliciacosmina
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buttersalmost 13 years agothis is suffering, i'm afraid :(
and it's because you ended up forcing lines/words to fit a rhyme-scheme that managed to strangle any passion it intended to convey. the dirty, dark and horny is left as trite, manipulated and boring. sorry :(
perhaps try writing this again, keeping all the vivid imagery in mind and forgetting about trying to make it rhyme... it doesn't have to rhyme to be poetry :)
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