by wickidlyirish
Halfway through you change from 1st person to third person, giving the reader, presumably the vampire's point of view, then we go into Annabeth's POV 3rd person. Making these changes makes the whole story difficult to follow and very confusing. You need to choose between 1st or 3rd person and remain consistent in your writing.
I definitely agree with Corpse_Rider. I actually just stopped reading the piece as soon as the POV changed twice in a few short paragraphs. You can correct this by editing the piece and re-submitting it with the word EDIT at the end. Good luck.
i think you could have a decent story if you get an editor like others have said. Even the best writers have someone to catch mistakes. You need someone to correct grammatical errors and other mistakes and help you clarify things or add more details or smooth things out. It is hard to judge a story and get immersed in it when there are glaring mistakes that grab your attention. That said, I'd like to see what you do with the next chapter. I'd be happy to see where the story is going as long as you get it edited and put forth your best effort. Keep writing.