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I think
this is one of your best, my opinion....
~ maria
like your use of space
... it works like punctuation for me. stage directions from behind the curtain
my single, minor quibble lies with "but then I'd have not walked". my eyes/tongue trip on this each time, reading it more naturally as 'but then I'd not have walked'
i even enjoyed the final comma.
oooh very clever........
....you've even made this lady drop her capitals!
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