I love it so far, it leaves me wanting more...keep writing!
Love it! Agree it leaves you wanting more
i like how youve set this up and i could feel his emotions i love it!
interesting looking forward to more.
THAT LEAVES A INTERESTING IDEA, WHAT HAPPENED , AND HOW WILL IT EFFECT THE FUTURE
I'm looking forward for the next chapter. hope to have it soon!
Can't wait to see where this will go from here. Keep up the good work.
It's just awesome!!!!
Great start, I can see myself anxiously waiting for your posting. Don't make us wait too long!!!
Very nice start. I'm a little confused as to what happened to Jiordain as it seemed like he was absorbing the emotions from his brother Declan but then they say Declan arranged the airplane ticket. I hope you'll tell us what happened the year before.
I like the use of the bond to explain no one feeling emotion from him in addition to describing the empty look in his eyes. I like the emotions also at the end. Great first chapter. Overall well-written and I look forward to more. As a rule I think it's always good to put chapter 1 on the first chapter title so you keep going with future chapters. When I see a name with no chapter number I assume it's a standalone story.
one more thing....if he scented his mate at the airport wouldn't his wolf have made him track her down in case she was flying out? Could he have chanced her ending up somewhere in the world and out of his grasp?
to crule how can you leave us hanging like that. that is so unfair lol great start please continue cant wait for part 2
Good start! I would suggest eliminating the brackets (),.
i would use italics for mind to mind communication and just say what you character was thinking; ex. His eyes (are)were open, but Jiordan (sees)saw nothing. It's like he is breathing, his heart is beating, but there's nothing there. Whatever made me think we were going to be the ones to help him through this thing? Cecil or his grandfather thought to himself. or ...Cecil thought
I changed some tense inconsistencies otherwise I look forward ro your next chapter.
like the start of this. however i do agree with the previous comment : loose the (),  -tags, they'll only make reading this more complicated.
use italics for thoughts and use things like "he thought, he mused" to convey a person is having thoughts.
this way the story will keep it's smooth reading style. with (), you'll always wondering if it's a thought or convo part you're reading and that distracts from the story.
will wait for the next chapter
i agree with the previous commenters. i also would like a bit more backstory about the whole declan-loss of emotions thing. i'm very curious where you are going with this.
Thank you all so much for your comments on this first posting. I've taken on board some of the suggestions for improvement so we'll see how things progress. As I mentioned at the beginning my intention is to tell the story over a number of chapters so it's reasonable to expect that some of your questions will be answered as it develops. I'm going to resist getting bogged down too much with trying to be all things to everyone at this point, and allow my imagination free reign as I work through the process. I hope in the end that the experience will be a pleasurable one for you and me. Thanks again!! ~ BajanBelle
Great beginning. Hooked me from the start. I am liking Jiordan already. Please don't leave it too long for the next chapter, looking forward to it....o)
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