Well its an alright story but it didnt really make me feel that i was there watching it
the story didn't read like a story, instead like directions for actors in a play. Need to flesh it out much more, make characters and setting real. be more descriptive
Really awful writing. Early High School standard. (If you are a 13yo boy, I apologize - you've written to your own age group)
Perhaps enrol yourself for some writing clases?
Repetition, grammar, plot, everything about this story is low grade.
This had to be the worst written story i've read on this site .
Repetitive, bad spelling, bad grammar. You made sex boring.
A 13 year old would be held back if he spelt like that! More like a six year old. A six year old could spell "Threw"
reads like a grade school english essay, good marks for spelling and grammar but no flow whatsover
The idea of what you tried to write was great, but you wrote it like an outline and not to mention the meanwhile the guy was gone sexy talk was very corny...
its written like an 8th grade essay
Yo it sucked. U repeat way too much and ur not in depth if I wanted to read the same words over and over then i would grab a dictionary
I think the mom and daughter were too eager to have sex with the guy
Yes, it is very repetitive and has grammar and spelling errors, but who comes here to proofread? The repetition appeals to us in the same way as a folk tale like The Three Bears. It reminds me of one of my own adolescent masturbation fantasies where I had a cast of characters and a list of things I wanted to do to them or have them do to me, and would visualize myself repeating each item with each character.
I dont think this had enough build up or suspense. This story had a good base with a lot of opportunity for foreplay, which I'm sure I am not the only person who feels the foreplay can be just as exciting as the sex
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