All Comments on 'Partying Too Hard'

by dkm25433

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  • 8 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Needs help

I'm with the other commenter. No preamble, except Dad getting hit on while at a Bar. No lead in as to his thoughts and desires. He comes home, daughter was partying too. He sees her pussy and sticks his finger up her. Writer needs to think it thru a bit more.

tobytimtobytimover 12 years ago
cool

pretty ordinary,, you need a lot more practice,, didn't get me going at all

dkm25433dkm25433over 12 years agoAuthor
Explanation

I wrote this. I probably should have left a note explaining this.

This is my first story. If you guys could please leave me some polite comments and ways to improve, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks!

AverygoodlayAverygoodlayabout 12 years ago
Not too bad

Not too bad, you could have had a little more background.

Why wasn't she wearing panties? Her and her girlfriends were playng sex games that's why his fingers went into her pussy so easy and she was already turned on is why she gave in to her dad so fast.

Dad had thought of her for a long time.

How did she get on the pill? Mother had put her on them for her period before she left or died.

Only to answer some of the questions needed for your story.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 12 years ago
Omg

Im so horny right now I love incest sex stories I wanna fuck my cousin now

sexy_wet_slut_Lizzysexy_wet_slut_Lizzyabout 9 years ago
Not bad

Not bad for a first story. Of course I can't write so I am not one to complain about stories.

This reminded me of my first time with my dad. Although mine was different the hot sexual feelings were the same. He is a wonderful lover and has been teaching me a lot.

Lizzy

AnonymousAnonymousover 8 years ago
Not bad for a first, but could be better thought out

There are a few problem areas, but, from the general standard of your writing, you shouldn't have any problem working through them.

First of all; no back-story. When he's hit on by a random woman in who suddenly grabs his junk and asks him to fuck her; is this something that happens a lot, which is why he doesn't seem too fazed by it? Is he shy, ordinary looking so he doesn't know how to respond, is he good looking, drop dead gorgeous? You need to have a little background fill-in to explain incidents like that.

Second; no mention of the wife; is she dead, divorced, disappeared? Did he bring up his daughter alone, and has he had no time for real relationships, so has he been thinking about her in that way for a while, even if he can't (or won't) admit it to himself?

Your sentences are also a little too staccato, they need to flow a little, and don't assume the readers are seeing the same pictures in their heads that you are when you write, so be a little more descriptive - maybe more about the background to their relationship; has she always been a daddy's girl? Is she touchie-feelie? Does that make him uncomfortable, aroused, guilty? Does he subconsciously compare her to other girls her age, her friends etc, and how does she stack up against them in his mind?

As someone else commented, was she not wearing panties because she'd already been playing with her friends, so does he suspect her of having sex with any of her girlfriends? Does the idea excite him, and would he like to see it happen? Would he like to join-in? More detail here, some of his thoughts or fantasies might have helped to paint a more detailed picture of him, and make the later sex seem more plausible and grounded in long-held fantasy.

There is a lot of flesh you could put on a bare-bones story like this, I'd really like to see you do that, this could be a classic daddy/daughter love story-cum-sex-romp.

4 stars, but I think the next part (if there is one) might be better plotted and have more substance. Still, a fine effort for a newbie though, and it will only get better.

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
OK to start

bone of the story are set out but put more meat on them,

Anonymous
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