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Deliverance Ch. 01

byDarkHaze©
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Comments (6)
by Anonymous

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by mefr03/15/12

Nice

Start I would like to see where this goes.

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by cannd03/15/12

Great first chapter. I do hope to see the rest of the story. It makes me sad when writers say 'I'll write more if you want it'. I think if you're willing to take the leap and try something that you should do it and ask for positive feedback and constructive criticism to help you do better. I hate to see negative readers on this site stop someone. Sorry, I read several stories in the last few days that were first time writers who wrote the same thing...My point is, go for it! There will always be people who write nasty shit. Use what you can and keep trying.

Ok, I think this was a great go for a first attempt. You really use alot of details and description so I felt like I was in the middle of the action. I liked the interesting weapons, esp the glass balls that set the last on fire. I can't wait to learn more about both of these characters. I'm intrigued as to why the girl got caught, where she was and why. I want to know who this man is who seems built for this environment, almost like a part of the jungle, yet has the ability to take out these huge warriors.
I hope you will explain what world they are in, who those bad guys (won't attempt to write their name :) and if they have taken over the world or have always been a part of it? Is this a world filled with unrest and war or are people living okay as long as they stay away from unsafe places? I don't know if it is Earth. She seems to only be human.

It is common for people to have comments at the start. I would just italicize the comments before the story starts or sepeate them with a line of dashes or stars to show where the chapter starts. I'd also look into getting an editor. It can be a help to have someone read the chapter when it is still a draft and give you some feedback and maybe point out a hole or tell you to clarify something. then to have it gone over once you are finished can help clean up any tiny mistakes. You can get one through the site or even put a request in your comments that a reader may see and be willing to help out.

Don't let anyone disuade you from continuing. I think for a first try this was far better than most. It left me wanting more. I hope you can do a bit of a longer chapter, but I felt you packed alot into it so that at least the story seemed to move forward a bit despite being short. As you go on though, and people are pulled into the story, they will want more. You'll want to take the story forward enough in chapters to not frustrate readers. Good luck!

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by Neorotoxin03/15/12

Very good, very promising

I definitely think you should continue this story. It holds a great deal of promise to become something great. Keep up the good work!

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by huntersangel03/16/12

hope you continue with this story!

i'm definitely interested to see what happens with this, do not stop! thank you...

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by anna_writerchick03/17/12

Great stuff!

Definitely post more of this. It's an excellent start!

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by Anonymous04/22/12

Great start, keep going!

Cannd made excellent comments. You have started off with many questions and it will be fun to see where you go with the story.

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