All Comments on 'Valentines in Riyadh'

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I'm always impressed at not only how good you are at setting, but how much of a narrative you can produce in so few lines. I really liked this on the thread where it first appeared and really like the revision.

but I finally have something other than fanboy gush to say. Here:

But Mauna's lost in thought. "When Yousef's done

perhaps my veil should fail," she thought, "he'd see

the repetition of "thought," which I assume is intentional, is a bit distracting. And "my veil should fail" seems to be pushing technique against detail. The rhyme distracts from the image. "[M]y veil should fall" I think would work better, but of course just my opinion.

The closing couplet seems mysterious (and at least a bit impenetrable to me, which is OK--I love the image). I see you changed from all caps to more natural capitalization, but the last couplet seems to me to want to be its own sentence (i.e., "She did not acetone..."

Your second stanza is superb. Again, my opinion, but really.

You, sir, need to take your poems to "real" publication. Just sayin'.

the more I like it. The last 2 lines are the clinchers. You are a Master Poet and I feel privileged to read your poetry. This seems different from what you usually write, but damn, it's goooood! What an imagination you have. Makes me wanna crawl into your mind and sneak a peek while you sleep :)

~ maria