All Comments on 'Awakened Guardian Ch. 02'

Oh what a tease! You gave us a bit more information but no real increase in the plot. I so want to know what happens next!! *pouts* You gave us the guardian's POV, but the chapter ended in the timeline in the same place Chapter 1 did. I don't typically like pov repeats, but if you keep us hooked by sharing new information or having additional scenes, it'll work better. I also like that you gave us info on 'past protectees' but didn't give us more than a little bit of info, at least right now. That was right on in my mind.

You obviously worked really hard on the editing, good job! A few more tips, thee means you and thy means your. So your ceremonial line of 'Come and be free with thee heart chained to thy heart' was a bit confusing. I thought you meant for the guardian's heart to be chained to Damon's heart, but that was really unclear. Also, check out this site with rules on ellipses: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.asp Overall the grammar book website is awesome for reputable and easily understood editing information.

I disagree with some of the comments posted with the previous story. Though we can all use a good grammar guide.

There are "best writers" on this site and there are Best Writers. You could be in the latter.

Your style is very interesting and individual, don't fall into the trap of letting someone mentor you into their style. Become aware of the best elements of what you are doing, that is characters, ideas, plotlines, world creation, pacing and MYSTERY. While careful proofreading would improve readability, you don't actually need to explain everything to the reader. The reader has their own work to do and revealing bits at a time keeps all the interest on what's coming next, forming our own questions, like 'why hasn't he spoken before?' and wanting to read on to find out. For example, to stop at the stage in the story where we find out he has never spoken in order to explain why would have destroyed the suspense and point of the moment.

Also, we have no way of knowing at this stage wether this is a completely different world to ours or one that co-exists with our reality and therefore the Bambi reference in your first chapter was excellent.

There is one problem that no-one has mentioned so far and maybe you are going to suddenly skip ahead a couple of years but this is the gay male section on an erotic fiction site. At the risk of stating the obvious - your main male character is 16. Two years too young to get it on with another male character or even himself erotically on this site by law.

I think this chapter was written a little better. The one thing I would tell you to be careful of is making details line up. Dragoste makes a point to tell Damon he is on a 'wall of forgetfulness' or something and that he can't remember after the person dies. But in the light he discusses past loves. Not many are perfect with grammar but watch big things like starting a new paragraph when the speaker changes. That just makes it easier to follow. I was a bit disappointed that this chapter gave us no details we didn't already know. It didn't reveal much about Dragoste. It mainly just was chapter 1 re-written almost exactly, but from his perspective. I would have liked to see it reveal a bit more about who/what he is and his way of seeing the world. I am still interested and hope for alot more in the next chapter.

Please give us regular updates.

Very tantalizing story thus far.

your right bout the thee and thy, i have been yelled at for that before; my deepest apolagies, i will try harder in the future on that and please be patient, there is a method to me inexplainable madness, the voices only speak to me in bits and peices but all will be revealed........i hope

Writing is a craft - believe in yourself, that's absolutely crucial. I read this, and wanted to read more. I will look out for your next posting. The key is persistence, self belief, and allowing your characters to flourish. Believe me, I'm speaking from experience. Set your goals high, if that's what you want, re writing for paid publication, and the comments on these pages will help you too.

But remember, you're the ultimate authority on your writing, and believe, believe, believe!

I like your plot so far, but I have some issues with this story. Please keep in mind that I'm not trying to be mean, just helpful. Having said that, if this sounds in any way harsh, it wasn't meant to be.

1. Your grammar/spelling. I know people have already mentioned this to you, so I'm not going to do more than say that sometimes, this is hard to read and is a little confusing. Also, I've noticed a repeated mistake you use. I've noticed some of your contractions end with "t't". An example would be "...the world I wouldn't't have heard him." You should really watch that. If I counted it right, there were about 7 of them in your first chapter. (I think only 1 in this chapter. [= )

2. Your ellipsis (...). You have way too many of them. You only really need three dots, not a million.

3. Somebody mentioned your consistency about the "wall of forgetfulness" in the first chapter, and then Dragoste remembering past heirs. This threw me a little, and honestly made me lose a little interest in this story.

4. Lastly, I love change in POV's, but I HATE reading the same scene over. If you are going to change POV's, then keep the story going. I've read too many stories that give me the same scene twice, in both men's POV, and it makes me lose interest faster than grammar and consistency can. I can can stand maybe rereading one or two paragraphs in the other POV, but more than that just grates on my nerves.

5. You stated that the main character is only 16, and like somebody else said, this is an erotic site, and for your character to be in any kind of sexual situation, he has to be at the very least 18.