All Comments on 'My Little Harem Ch. 01'

by klosetp3rv

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  • 21 Comments
klosetp3rvklosetp3rvover 11 years agoAuthor
My apologies

It seems that I used the wrong brackets to denote mental commands and it was interpreted as code. Here is how the paragraph with the mental commands should read

Even though she remained completely professional, and gave me no doubt that she was NOT interested, I found that I wanted her body more and more. On the third day, I was her last patient for the evening. As she was leaving the room, I couldn't help but stare. I was deep in lust. I looked at her, and thought, ~Oh Meghan, just show me that bare ass!~ To my surprise, she stopped, bent over, and dropped her pants and panties to her ankles, pointing her gloriously bare ass directly at me. It took me a second to recover enough to mutter, “Uh, c-close the door.” With her pants around her ankles, she waddled to the door, and closed it. Having recovered a bit, I decided to try something. I thought, ~Meghan, remove your pants and panties, and come over here.~ She immediately, if a little stiffly, obeyed. And I noticed a blank look on her face, so I tried something else. I thought, ~Meghan I want you to do as I say, and enjoy it, but I also want you think and act for yourself.~ Then aloud I asked “Do you understand?”

FrenchAngeliqueFrenchAngeliqueover 11 years ago
Nice Idea but too fast

Hello, klosetp3rv. I find Your idea of a story quite interessing, the main idea is pretty hot, but it looks like a summary of what can be a very good story. I would advise you to try and add more details to the story, the character's psychology, and perhaps give the girls a bit more resistance, only that the reader's desire to see her loose the fight get higher.

Keep on your work, you can make a good story of it.

Angelique.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Too quick

I agree, it looks like the skeleton for a really nice story. I figure you intended it to be more since you labeled this as Ch. 01. More details would be nice. It should not take me under a minute to read your story.

Also, try italics for the thought commands.

John BlackhawkJohn Blackhawkover 11 years ago
i kinda have to agree

I agree with what's been said the story has some promise to it but it went a little too fast in the reading.

klosetp3rvklosetp3rvover 11 years agoAuthor
Thank You all

Thanks for the comments advice and suggestions. I really do appreciate them. I will try to follow your advice in the future, including the italics.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Same old stuff

Don't get me wrong. I like much of the imagery and 'voice'. It reads well.

But this seems to have become a bit of a cliche. Man wakes in Hospital with mind powers. Something has to be special to make the story really interesting. A better build up would help. Slow discovery of power. Some accidental commands that screw things up a bit.

But don't take my comments badly. Remember: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. And those who can't teach, critique.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Story too fast

Nice start for your first story, but you neeed to slow down the action somewhat,

maybe have the nurse give him a sponge bath and in the process, he tries to control her actions, if that works, he then starts to make her more "friendly" towards him, then have him have a little fun, like taking off her shoes, jump around, then give him a blow job, after which, fuck her brains out.

Having her break up with her husband, that could have been later in maybe chapter 4, in chapts 2 & 3, have him "control other nurses, or even a few female(hot of course)doctors, and build his harem slowly, waiting for the next longer chapter.

7thSense7thSenseover 11 years ago
Too fast

This is well written, as in the general plot. But it is moving too fast, and the mind control part came very suddenly with not much indication of what is going to happen. You should use a mind-control device or at least show (from the man's perspective) that he is planning to take her over. This does have potential though... Keep working

klosetp3rvklosetp3rvover 11 years agoAuthor
Thank you all for your comments

I appreciate all of these comments, and suggestions. So far, the story has 5 chapters. Four of which are awaiting editing. Most of them are a bit longer than this one, but after reading your comments, using your suggestions, I am actually working on a rewrite of this one. I really want this chapter to be good, and I think it will be. I am also going over the other chapters to try to improve them. To the commenter who wrote "Same Old Stuff" I had to laugh when you wrote "But don't take my comments badly. Remember: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. And those who can't teach, critique." I am definitely not taking any of these comments badly, and I really appreciate the critiques. I am in fact already using something similar to your suggestion in my rewrite. Thank you all for your comments. please keep them coming.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Hard but fair

As previous commentators have remarked, everything has proceeded at too fast a pace and worse still your story is a cliche. I didn't see anything which would tempt me to read the forthcoming chapters as I will have read them all before. Sorry! In an attempt to be constructive, I suggest that you find something brand spanking new that nobody has used before, to save this story.

ResidentWeavilResidentWeavilover 11 years ago
Wow!

The poetry of that one comment inspired me:

And those who can't critique,

Attention still they seek.

They shout and screech out loud

Through vulgar terms, grow proud

But all They do

is curse and spew

at those they see

who try to DO.

Good luck with the rewrite

klosetp3rvklosetp3rvover 11 years agoAuthor
I am so proud. I actually rated a heckler

I must be doing something right. LOL

And @ ResidentWeavil nice poetry LOL and the rewrite is finished i think. just waiting on the final edit.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Hecklers Annonymous

Your heckler is an arsehole. (ie full of s**t)

ChasPChasPover 11 years ago
Let's see what you do w/ ch2!

I loved what RW said! Your VE is pretty darned good. A couple of punctuation marks in the wrong place, but other than that, a pleasure to read. Re: the cliche comment, please let that roll off your shoulder.

The Mind Control aspect came a little late in the story, but turned out to be worth the wait.

Now on to ch 2....

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago

Like where the story's going, but you lost me at the end when you turn the "hero ?" into a real asehole by casually destroying a loving relationship.Perhaps if you made the husband out to be a cruel sadistic cheating basted,I would have scored it a lot higher. I'm sure a lot of the other readers felt the same !

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 9 years ago
lol

that was freaking hilarious when she just called her husband and just casually said that she now belongs to her master... i'm laughing because im imagining the look on the husbands face

gentoxicgentoxicover 7 years ago
ok

that ending though...

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
Nice.

I liked that, I liked that a lot.

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
Excellent

This story is great! Bravo! Can't wait to read your next one.

AnonymousAnonymousover 2 years ago

Quim (Noun); [1610–20; origin obscure]

Vulgar slang for vagina, or vulva. This word is first recorded in the period 1610–20. Other words that entered English at around the same time include: acme, cockatoo, magnetism, niggle, and sauerkraut.

rbloch66rbloch662 months ago

Not sure how this series has gained its ratings. The story is flat and the characters have no depth.

Anonymous
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