You could become one of my favorite authors on here. I like the way your mind works and the story line, though extremely difficult to read, was good. Please ask one of us that are editors on here to help. Most of us have the experience and training to help you along this rocky path. If you would like me to help or perhaps recommend someone else just ask.
Enjoyed the story, please continue.
Very desciptive, I really liked it. keep em cumming. but it needs is paragraph breaks.
Good start, but please enlist the services of an editor, the story is difficult to read.
hot and very descriptive.....got me hard and ready for more......part 2 soon please
nice one but you should think about breaking it up into easy to read paragraphs
Ok so you ran it all together, keep writhing, this is your first story so learn from your mistakes.
Have you thought about submitting an edit, breaking it into paragraphs? I like the whole dream concept, pehaps a longer, more action-packed edited version would be possible?
Still good as it is, though, keep submitting, please.
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