All Comments on 'A Gift From His Father Ch. 02'

I meant the story but that applies to the women as well.

That scene with Lizzy at the bank was fun. Now we wonder what we don't know about the ring.

I'm not sure how the idea of Dad mentoring John is going to playout. It seems too convienient a device.

But I am loving the story so far. I'm even glad you sort of shutdown the mother-son angle. In almost every story I read here, it would have exploded. Nice to have a little variety.

a very good start....eagerly anticipating more

I'm loving the way the story is unfolding - need to keep writing so I can keep reading this wonderful story !! Keep it up !!

Please keep writing...I find myself constantly looking to see if you've added more:)

Jerry in Washington state, USA - Too often, the 2nd chapter of a story is a bit of a let down after the first chapter. But you avoided that. I really liked that John is trying to do good with the power of the ring and I look forward to John maybe getting together with Lizzy. I also enjoyed that John was able to resist sex with his mother, but I wonder how much longer he will be able to resist - since he obviously is attracted to her. Many interesting possible story scenarios available - I look forward to what you share with us. Thanks for one of the most interesting reads I've come across in recent months.

I was a bit annoyed when you had him command his mother to not think about him sexually again. I thought "oh great, this is gonna be a mind-control story with no incest." Then later you had him notice how hot she was - hoping this leads to him eventually undo that command.

I worked through the first chapter, but shortly in the second you mis-use the word 'reminisce', and then provide this sentence.

"You are not nor have you ever been sexual attraction to me. I am you son and that would be wrong"

Sorry, had to stop reading. You are making me do work that you should have done.

I really enjoyed your story, both chapters are excellent. Although I did notice some of the grammatical errors, it dod not keep me form reading and enjoying the rest. I hope you can finish another chapter done soon.

"Thanks for your fine feedback. I have taken it all into consideration. And now Chapter 2." That's a direct quote, and apparently "taken it all into consideration" means "completely ignored."

You not only made the same grammatical/spelling mistakes mentioned in the previous chapter's comments, but you added new errors as well.

Losing ten pounds would not make anyone so skinny that their normal underwear just fall off after a few movements. Even if they did, if they were really that loose after losing ten pounds, then why didn't they hit the floor on her way to the bathroom?

Look, I understand that it's hard to proofread your own work, but it seems like you aren't even trying. Just banging out every random thought that pops into your head and submitting it as soon as you hit a certain length isn't going to make you a good writer. Put a little pride into the story, polish it up and everyone will be happier, including you.

I'm honestly bewildered as to how these stories are all rated so highly. I'm giving you three stars again. I would rate the story less, after your quote in the author's note, except for the fact that you also managed to improve the plot a little over this last chapter.

Please don't take this wrong. The idea here is to try to help you write a better story. Your story has great potential, but your word usage and punctuation (particularly when writing dialogue) could be better. And improving your writing will improve both your enjoyment as a writer as well as your readers appreciation of your story.

A couple of suggestion that helped my writing:

Read Whispersecrets How to "How to make Characters Talk." (http://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-make-characters-talk). It's an easy read and very helpful for writing character conversations.

Hook up with one of the Literotica volunteer editors. They can be very helpful in helping you to spot word usage and punctuation issues as well as helping you with storyline development suggestions.

more of this type pleassssssssseee

and becoming even more interesting.

you are quickly moving this story to one of my favorites. not there yet but moving in the right direction...lol...i love what you are doing with lizzie and tammy.

GOOD SO FAR!!!

suit is gent's clothing.

suite is a collection of matched furniture

the editing of this story improves quickly. I don't think I can read much more despite the core of a potentially good story underneath the incredibly bad grammar and spelling.

Even though I haven't read the ending, which might be contrived, for all I know, this is the third time I've been fascinated by your creation. I may have to read it again to see if I can figure out how to write so well I know I gave your first segment a 5, but I guess ... . Oh well, please keep writing!.

I like this story for its hopefull optimism rooted in sudden powers. Most of us would like such powers. More editing would help.

Lots of imagination going on here, still not exactly 'hot', but definitely some decent sci-fi / mind control story telling.

J

Did you even read this thing at all before you posted it? Damn! I thought that first one was bad. Grammar errors, misspellings, stilted dialogue, and for the love of God man! It's breasts! You left off the s every damn time! The sheer awfulness of the writing aside though, the story was pretty good. I'm intrigued. Otherwise I wouldn't read anymore of this garbage! As it is, I'll read one more and see if you improve. I really am hoping you do, because this story is fantastic! It has the makings of a truly fantastic story, if you could just fix your damn writing!

First, and I want to say I truly hate being critical but it is such a narrow margin between a good story and a great one. Little things will annoy someone who does a lot of reading. So in honest hope of getting you past good to great here are my critiques.

A suit is something you wear, a suite is something else entirely. Example, "He wore a smart Armani 2 button suit." Or "The honeymoon suite was exquisitely furnished."

Another, "Her left breast was slightly larger than her right one." Or "Her breasts were perfectly proportioned."

I don't want to beat it to death so I'll leave those as my examples, there were more but I honestly want to keep reading so maybe I'll critique more on the next installment, I think you would be well served by an editor.

The story line has really moved along, and with it the potential "kindness Quotient" of the Ring has gained ground. I like it!

Thanks for pages of I’m not going to screw my mom but oh mom is so hot look at those tits and that ass. Oh I’m getting hard for mom while think about her naked body. I want her, no I don’t. No need for paragraphs of how good she looks. Hit it or quit it.

started this series a cpl of times-going to stick with it this time...really enjoying that he's using his new gifts for good

and, something I've always appreciated...you gave his mom a full muffin, and Lizzy too...had hopes for April too but... going with what all her gf's are down with-pity

What a fine story. Keep up the good work..🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

An excellent read and very well written. The character conversations flow so easily that they come off as real. Time to continue this enjoyable binge read of your five star story.

Don't you believe in plurals? One breast - a pair of breasts.

Also, not "she was stun to see the face..." - but "stunned..."

And the use of quotation marks when indicating conversation is utterly random.

Won't labor the point but will stick to those few examples of your somewhat defective work

Grammar definitely isn't your strongest point, is it?

But what I find hardest to understand is how it is that you've managed to create a quite fascinating story with the limited English language powers that you have.

I was worried when I started this tale that the author wouldnt drop the ball as so often happens here on Literotica. I’m not done yet so it still might happen but it’s. Even very good so far..

The spelling & grammar errors are very annoying to me also.

Bill S.

Lizzie Brooks is going to be one hot firecracker, I certainly hope John's experiences include her in the near future, ... liking this tale despite all the typos, most were easy enough to glade past. ... I am glad I stopped on this story's reference; two chapters in and I can already tell this a good one. ;-) TTFN

I've read this before, but can't recall how it ends up, although I may have read it when it was only a few chapters. But I do remember that it had terrible grammar and misspellings whenever and so far, those are still highly notable. I hope it has improved on this go-round...

Too many homophones (it’s suit, not suite) a suite of rooms is pronounced ’sweet’.

And English is still murdered.

Still 5 stars for the good feelings generated.

Bill S.

Great job, thanks for sharing your work.

Just dymb. Put it in sci-fi fantasy or something. Mostly a waste.

Love the storyline… it’s the second time I read… the writing could be a bit more fluid…5 stars ⭐️ for me

Wow, "I've got money, so I'm going to go buy 2 expensive liability that are going to devalue by 35% the second I drive them off the lot." I'm done.

The story has a lot of potential but it needs some work.