I @#$%^& really dislike stories set in the present tense.
I guess that means I really don't like descriptions of fantasies.
But, that's just me.
Non erotic=cheap thrill writer
Please write stories in the third person. It's mentally draining to read a story in the first person. Pick up any professional writer's work and it'll be in the third person. Tell a story like you weren't there, even if you were.
First person perspective ruins it and makes it not enjoyable to read. I can imagine this would have been much more intense and erotic if written in the third person
she'll do it again
That's the point at which I lost interest!!!
Trying to make out that the reader is/was a participant immediately destroys any semblance of believability because the reader KNOWS he/she was not there.
No believability? Waste of time writing it and waste of time reading it!
Have respect for those you hope will read your offerings and present believable stories!!
Well done in contributing your first story! Do continue!
Ignore the over critical comments!
Writing in the first person is OK,
but next time try and reduce the first person singular subject pronouns,
people don't like "I" being repeated,
especially at the beginning of a sentence.
I thought the first person was unique and sounded a lot like a love letter being written. Because of that, it actually came across as pure fantasy, like she was writing in her journal about what she wished had happened. I did enjoy it. Very descriptive and vivid. I like stories werer the sex is described in detail and realistically. Look forward to reading more of your stuff. You obviously know how to write.
loved the story, was gentle sensual and made me imagine my fantasy girl
1:18 PM 8/18/2012
and this story is posted?!?
Nuthin' from 8/20? or 8/19?
WTF is going on?
Seriously: this story has a two day advantage on voting for it; unfair to others who 'post' on 8/21, let alone 8/20 or 8/19.
What's wrong here?
These commenters are a little off base. First person is OK. It's the third person ("..you walk toward me..") that is awkward. Inhibits dialog and character development, which are two pillars of story telling. Since you avoided both of these elements, and kept it short and to the point, it was entertaining. Just don't use this technique for more developed stories. Being married was irrelevent and just served to t-off some readers. Intentional?
I meant writing in the second person is awkward.
...do listen to the critics because that is why you post here duh! First person fantasies are fucking boring.
Kept me bone hard while reading it.
With crit words. I have edited in the real world. Yes first person fantasy, cos they are twice removed before a word is typed, slide towards the boring... or the incredulous boring. This did neither. It left ends open where at the last para you can not be sure it's fantasy at all.... A guide to success. 'Course most of the Fant and Absurd Fant never put themselves in THAT Category
I actually enjoyed it written in the first person. It was a different kind of story which is a nice change. One thing I like about this site IS the diverse writing styles. Keep up the good work, can't wait to read more :)
There's a mention of an "affair", but nothing I could see to indicate either party is married. Certainly no remorse.
This was hot. Being written in the first person, I naturally placed myself in the story as the main character. Incredibly sensual and sexy. Looking forward to reading more!
the moon can't rise from the same horizon that the sun has set.
Usually, I hate the first & second person style. You've shown me wrong with my a priori. Thanks for a lovely story - keep writing !
Married girl plays out a fantasy at the beach with a friend.
I enjoyed reading this, the first person style made it feel more like a confession, perhaps some commenters need to understand some people write for themselves not for everyone else.
I could close my eyes and picture every bit..Good story!
Great story. Intimate, perfect length, and finely wrought. Thanks for sharing.
Loved it. A great fantasy and well written. Look forward to reading more.
Would that I were on that beach, well written, I'll think of this story next time I'm on a beach...
I make it approx. 3 like to two dislike at this time.
My imagination wafted along with your story, told like a real person, so accordingly in first person.
What else? not a voyeuristic babbling of something remote.
Until you linked this to your pic page today, I wasn't aware you had written this story. You have been teasing us with bits of narrative on your thread, with images of your very tasty body, so I read this with a mind already influenced by your scent. For me, it's erotic. Don't stop writing.
A great fantasy story. Well written. I like the slow pace of the build-up, your thoughts mixed with the anticipation and desire. Well done.
I really do hope you write some more, this was a very enjoyable read
This is a well-crafted thread of consciousness story where the writer/storyteller/protagonist is visualizing in thought what she wishes to occur. It is heat of the moment eroticism which leaves you inclined to believe it based upon actual experience. I consider this strongly in the romance category of erotic fiction,and suggest the author submit further stories.
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