I've read table of contents that
where longer than this....
And who in the hell is this story about?
... is an instant and total turn-off.
I KNOW that I was not a participant so therefore the story has no relevance or believability!!
No believability = total waste of time and effort - yours in writing it, mine if I were to bother to read it!!
Dont worry about what others say. I liked it. But you do need to be more to the point on who it is about. I like your writing style and technique, would love to read more :))
so when do you start on the story? Too short for any development or characterization. And it must be said that stories written in the second person very rarely work.
and moreover this way of telling a story with "you do" "I do" is unbearable
This is just an erotic coupling.
WHERE IS THE INCEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????? ???????????????
The back and forth between past and present tense is also a bit of a bother. However, keeping all these comments in mind, do try again.
I gave this one point - two would have been better. No more than two because of all the grammatical errors and the improbabilities. I suggest you think hard and try to imagine the actions you describe.
Total CRAP. If this is the best you can offer then just give up right now!
Interesting. Not a bad read at all.
I liked it -- keep writing -- it was fresh -- it had Imagination -- good job!!
An eight year old, third grader has better comand of the english language then you!
Get a job and quit tring to write, because your story did not even come close to writing.
with no hint of who or what connection they have it could have been a childhood b/f or bil possibly a guy from down the road.
Writing in the 2nd person usually does not work. The story becomes more about the reader than the characters. You might want to try writing your stories in the 1st person which draws the reader into your story better than 2nd person.
Like others, I had misgivings about the voice: the "you" in the story certainly isn't the reader; while we don't know which relative it was, I am inclined to believe it was a brother, uncle, brother-in-law, etc.
The way it ended makes it at least possible that your story will continue (e.g., who finds them asleep on the beach the next morning? and what follows from that).
Nice first effort. I hope you keep at it.
What are they to each other? Honestly don't understand why you entered it in the competition.
The story, as short as it was, had promise. Unfortunately the promise was quickly taken away as the command of how to tell a story in the second person faltered. As well, as was stated, who were they? What relationship did they have?
While the idea may have started as a good one there should have been some editing on the visualization between doggy and reverse cowgirl as well as some of the other sexual positions. It didn't work. Keep trying because there does appear to be raw promise there.
And for the moron who stated, "An eight year old, third grader has better comand of the english language then you!" - shut it. If you don't know the difference between "then" and "than," nor can you spell English or command properly nor do you know where to place a comma "then" you shouldn't be commenting on anything.
Is this in the right category?
It was a hot sex scene and I liked the way it was set up by them both sneaking off to fuck, but I had to draw my own conclusion that they were mother and son.
I had the thought in my mind after reading the story, that the woman went back to her spouse with her pussy full of some other man's cum and then slipped into bed beside her spouse and went to sleep.
I don't now how they could just have that hot of sex only once, they will need to have a repeat coupling.
My only beef is the point of view. If I'm telling "you" what happened but "you" were there then that doesn't make sense. Why would I tell you something you already know. Other than that the action was fast and hot and I actually like the mystery factor, it allows the reader to draw ones own conclusion based on their own preferences. Example: describe a "beautiful, sexy woman" Does she have long blond hair or short, dark? Is she tall and slim or short and curvy? The reader gets to fill in the blanks without the author mandating the criteria. Flexibility is always a nice thing to have. Just my opinion on the subject. As I said, a great first effort and thanks for sharing.
Erotogal87, you did a great job introducing the sexual tension right away. It's not always necessary to spell out how the characters are related to each other. I like using my imagination to fill in some of the blanks. Hot story, and the taboo of incest made it even naughtier. Keep writing, keep writing!
Nice idea. I got what you were trying to do, and I think you pulled it off.
I hate stories written this way - so damn boring and hard to follow
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