by exquisitelifetime
What does this have to do with LW's? Poorly written and edited. Sorry maybe next time. A wee bit to far out there for my taste
Let me say it again (and again and again). Stories written in the second person are never good. There is not one that I have read that rated above a two.
Instead of say "you" did this or "you" felt that, say Brenda or Trish or whoever said or felt it. It still pulls the reader in without making assumptions about their personality, feelings, or ... gender.
means only that he can't be bothered with second person writing. There are so many really lazy selfish readers on Lit who seem to think that writers should only write what THEY like. Get a fucken life. There's lots of excellent writing in the second person, though it's a more difficult art to master than first or third person. Some of it's even on Lit.
bad enough that it was posted,but to defend it,you must be drunk.
But better if it also happens to be good. This was boring and repetitious. There's nothing wrong with your writing, but I'm sure you could do something much better than this.
I gave up after the fourth paragraph. Hope others fare better than I. Not voted.
not tell about the story. Second person is s--t for style. Just because you mention I does not make this first person. Retell the story as a story: be specific with characters, imagine something plausible, and maybe stick to third person. And do not repeat yourself over and over. Repetition is effective when it surprises, not when you keep saying the samething: it was as if you forgot your plot. OF course there is barely a plot here.
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage plunder, we rifle and loot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We extort and pilfer, we filch and sack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Maraud and embezzle and even highjack.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We kindle and char and in flame and ignite.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villians and knaves.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
We're devils and black sheep, we're really bad eggs.
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me
We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads,
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Drink up me 'earties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."
...[holding his head, and writhing in agony]
Actually, Talenawk, it sounds to me like the story is written in FIRST person POV; like a letter to a victim, or a bully reminding the bullied of what he did.
AUTHOR: story OK, I got it, and moved on; but for enraging and confusing the trolls, I voted a 5.
OK! Got it! If I were a female between 15 and 95, I WOULD be frightened but titillated (anxiously awaiting the start of my lifelong rape fantasy!) Matter of fact, I would have started packing (but not many clothes) after the fourth paragraph, because YBadger got it right!
I also agree the submission WAS novel, despite being NOT good!
2*
Writing was passable, but where is the story?
What silly bugger gave you a score of 2 ?
Keep writing....just add some erotica or post it elsewhere.