All Comments  for

Death and the Maiden

byBrandie69©
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Comments (10)
by Anonymous

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by sun_sea_sky10/01/12

Very imaginative

Creepy and erotic. Well done!

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by MSTarot10/01/12

Very nice

Short creepy and spooky,while sexy as hell. Nice story.

If anything maybe a bit more story to give her friends more definition before the creepy started so they stood out better. That way we would have more tension when Randy is laying on the floor unmoving. Worry when her friend Cathy disappears near the end.

Other than that I really liked it

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by Brandie6910/01/12

Thanks, both of you

I'm sure you know it's gratifying hearing from other authors!

I like your point, MSTarot, about taking more time to develop the secondary characters more. Frankly, I was afraid there wasn't enough of the erotic to satisfy some readers and I avoided front-loading too much before somebody got naked.

But now that you mention it, one of pg240's comments about the first draft was that the beginning (which I did re-write and expand a bit) seemed rushed.

Anyway, I'm still very new at this, so I do very much appreciate your suggestion and I will take it to heart.

B

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by RecHiker10/02/12

Two Thumbs UP!

Very noce plot, and it's already been said that more details could have been added and I concur.

I still gave you 5 stars because it was wicked with a very haunted type ending.

RecHiker

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by Brandie6910/02/12

Hi Hiker!

As I think I've told you before, it's always good to see your handle ;)

You are kind, and I thank you.

B

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by Mark73710/03/12

Creepy, spooky and erotic

Wow! A departure from you're usual writing style. But what a departure! It shows your versatility as a writer. Its got my vote

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by Brandie6910/03/12

Thank you, Mark!

You know, this came back to me as I was driving home from work tonight and I wanted to share it with all of you. I wish I had put it in the author's note at the beginning, because no one is going to read these comments before they read the story.

Anyway, one of the things that helped me blend the erotic and the creepy was listening to the second movement of Beethoven's 7th symphony while I re-wrote it.

If you're in the mood to, listen to that while you read it. I think it sets just the right tone.

B

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by YDB9510/04/12

Nice job!!

Great characters, great final twist. I loved it!

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by Anonymous10/07/12

Creepy but needs more internal coherence

This reads like a first draft. As others have commented, would have liked more definition to the characters. Another suggestion would be to get the flow of the story together better. It seemed abrupt in places -- how did Cat get a car? Sex between JIm and Liz could have flowed better too. And why did Westerling want to have sex with Liz? The menace was enough without the sex. I realize this is a sex stories site but it felt like the sexual incidents were just inserted with no thought to the storyline. Things just did not feel right while reading...it's like a crazily thrown together hodge-podge. The only thing that I think worked was the menace.

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by Brandie6910/07/12

Very good points, Anonymous

Thank you for taking the time to share them with me.

I would like to explain one thing that was hinted at in the story but intentionally left to the reader's imagination rather than imposing it:

The story makes two comments about cosmic justice. Westerling killed his bride on their wedding night because of his drunk driving. Because of her tragically shortened life, Elizabeth is reincarnated as Liz, who was born on the same day the Westerlings died. That is why the two look identical. On the other side, Westerling, who died of his own (at best) stupidity without having consummated his marriage, is left to haunt the scene of the accident, and when he sees his bride reincarnated, he naturally wants to have sex with her. That also explains why he is upset that she has lost her virginity.

(Oh, and the car that Cat was driving was Westerling's own. That could have been made a little clearer.)

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