All Comments on 'Setting Moon Ch. 02'

by Bloodwoman

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  • 9 Comments
Gemini_KnightGemini_Knightover 11 years ago
Good story...

But an editor can make it into a great story. The beginning as a bit confusing (at least to me), it took a while for me to figure out where they were, also begin a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. Several other changes an this could be one of the best stories on Lit.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
Longer...

Please make the chapters longer. I love the story just want longer chapters

AhzureDragonAhzureDragonover 11 years ago
I missed it

When did he tell her his name??? Other wise keep going... cliffhangers are killers :D

AhzureDragonAhzureDragonover 11 years ago
Alright

Found it got caught up in the other actions :D way to distract me.

canndcanndover 11 years ago

I'm gonna come at you here from my editor/beta reader POV....

I think that you have an interesting cast of characters and an ambitious beginning of a storyline. I think the problem is, that you are presenting it all very quickly and it is coming across as throwing a ton of stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. It is just too confusing to the reader. I think that you need to slow down the pace of the story and go into more detail when you are presenting some part. I think another problem for me is that some of the events don't make sense. One such part that stands out most to me is the fact that this man who finds his mate, who has been attacked mercilessly, goes and leaves her at the same hospital he found her being attacked in by wolves who intended to kill her. Now, my logical mind asks, why would he leave her? He has a phone. He could call his former pack and explain the situation and ask for back-up. He clearly is friends with Eric who took over in his stead and Fin, his second. I doubt they would have turned down a request for some help. I just don't think an alpha male would leave his mate unprotected, gun or not, because most werewolves wouldn't be stopped by a gunshot. I'm sure once she was well, he then could return and take back his place as alpha with her at his side.

Now, I understand you may have had him leave so Ericka could show up. But, she could have shown up while he was meeting the pack outside or something. I do have to wonder why Ericka wouldn't have gone with her to fight these men. You weren't clear, but I assume the guy she was lying in wait for was the guy who took her baby? I think it would have helped to be less cryptic in saying things like 'he took what mattered most' or whatever you said. I think that with such a wide variety of things going on in the story, it is better to be straight forward about some things like that and it is best to say that she is waiting for the guy who took her kid or the guy who she knew was driving the van or whoever he was. Also, explain how she found the guy. In other words, put yourself in the place of the reader and say 'what would a logical mind ask?' How did she chase down who took her baby?

Try to watch other things like the scene where she tries to escape...she goes up 8 flights ..but I don't know when she came down them. I mean where did she think she'd get to other than a roof? Was she gonna jump off it to get away from these guys?

I would overall, just tell you to slow down. Try to reveal a tiny bit more about each situation so that it doesn't seem so abstract and hard to follow. Overall, I like the cast of characters. I think there is promise for all the conflicts involved and mysteries to be solved. I think you just have to work on melding it together in the smoothest way possible. I'd recommend your getting an editor. They can help with these types of issues and can help you clarify things, etc. You can get one through the site or ask a fan who seems to be into it.

Good luck. I will definitely try to check up on the story and see where it goes.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
more

more!

ScarletPussScarletPussover 10 years ago

Wow. What a rush... too much is happening at once. kind of getting whiplash... but overall it's a great story plot.

But one question. Are you aware that when you wrote "my kind" you were obviously stating that Lillian was indeed aware of the fact that she was not human? but then you changed it up again and made Lillian completely unsure of what species she truly belong to-- I believe her friend the vampire, Erika informed her that she was a witch...

Anyway the whole thing is contradictory.... and now my head hurts

AnonymousAnonymousover 6 years ago
Worth the rush

I wish Blood woman had taken a little more time with this. Parts of it are just too choppy and rushed but the story is still worth following. I'm sure by now she's a much more seasoned writer and hopefully published. I've walked away from similar posts but the storyline has me coming back for more.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 4 years ago
Good but...

A woman who was just raped and almost died would certainly never have sex with a stranger when she had not even recovered. That was too unrealistic for me. It seemed to undermine all the suffering and pain you had previously described

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