All Comments on 'Birthday Party Contest'

Crowns? Really?

you banged your sister for a crown?... c'mon..

The friends parents organized a sex party? And your sister really wanted that awesome most probably plastic crown. WTF!

why the fuck were his parents there drawing the names and why didnt they realize the two were siblings unless they were in on it? in that case you need new friends that arent going to fuck with you like that. so i got to say this story premise sucked ass for the simple reason that there was no basis for them to be together except for a party prize

While I appreciate how hard it is to write, I have to agree with the others. There was no background, no setup, no motivation (crowns?).

My recommendation: go back and reread some of your favorite stories and take the time to understand WHY they're so good.

Good luck

This is the worst story I've every read and sorry for the time I wasted reading it. For the person who said it needed work is only half right, there isn't enough help in the world to make this better. What this story really needs is to die a slow agonizing death. If this is the best you can up with than my advice is quit while you're ahead and don't quit your day job.

A very sorry story! No character development, PARENTS getting involved in a teenage sex party- NO WAY- Law suit will follow. This story needs so much help I don't know where to start. Read some of the brother -sister incest stories on this site, a lot of them are outstanding. Feel the pacing of the stories and the amount of time spent in character development leading up to the BIG BANG.You need help.

Get some of it from authors who have proven to be successful.

no background to tell us about the characters involved and no plot all equal a waste of time. delete it and don't post again until you learn how to write a proper story. this sounds like it should be page three of a five page story not a one page stand alone.

I hope the next chapter has him repay his sister, in kind.

WAS that ?

just a couple/few of things-

suprised at getting sister,REALLY

(knew it was coming as soon as hosts parents involved)

REALLY REALLY REALLY, WHO CUMS FIRST WINS

should of been who last longest

blindfolds on until just before it starts,makes no sense

and they must of been some awesome crowns(crown jewells maybe lol)

hope you don't take it to heart and take this critic for what it is and improve for your next attempt at a story

A total Piece of SHIT

You show good potential. You should write about the feelings when peeping, panties and jo for sis. you may get what you want in the right circumstances.

When they get home he should pay his sister back and suck her off, and then fuck her to show her how much he loves her for being his sister.

...the advice to never post again, in particular from anyone without a member name. YOU took the time to sign up, YOU made the effort to write, YOU took the time to post. Anon's get a say. But you don't have to listen.

What you have to do is write a better story. Someone said worst ever; far from it ('worst' really scrapes the ground), but pretty lame. No obvious technical errors, so you have that going for you. Vivid imagination? Yeah, ok, but it needs management.

Storytelling ability. Okay, there's an opportunity. Writing a story isn't just a collection of thoughts and ideas. Correctly structured sentences strung together does not a tale make. You got basics right: beginning, middle, end; setting, characters, conflict, resolution, plot...well, not so fast.

You wrote a short, quick-moving story. Decently. But you made some outrageous claims that you allow to pass as though they don't matter. These were fairly well illustrated by some other comments. The parents arrange the sex partners for the contest? The winner gets a crown? Seriously, even a really nice one.

It's not that these are not possible, but that they are so far outside the realm of reality that they require explanation to legitimize them. It's like you said that a unicorn walked through the room and told the contestants "go". The reader will go along with that IF you make the idea plausible. That means you do some work and explain why a unicorn is there, how it speaks, and do it well enough that we can accept the concept.

Parents arranging a blowjob contest requires explanation.

An obvious and known arranged public incest requires explanation.

Vying for a crown (not just him and his sister, but everyone) requires explanation.

So your choices here are either longer story, with some explanation for how the unicorn got there, or your quick story WITHOUT the unicorn, so the reader can go along.

Not the worst ever. Keep at it, if you want to. But try harder. Work at it.

Lots of stuff to work on. Could have been interesting if his parents ended up involved in the contest too.....and James ended up getting paired with his mom to boot.

Slight editing problem...."Taking her hand off my cock, she started taking more of me into my mouth." I think you meant to say into "her" mouth.....cause if you could get yourself into your own mouth....well, imagine the possibilites.

Anyway, wasn't so bad. I've definitely seen way worse than this.

To those giving the sorry sack some hope... stop. This story was possibly the worst thing I've ever read on this site.

Don't write. Please. This is not for you. I read it for free, and a still want my money back. Just terrible.

This seems like the middle/end of a story. You're missing the beginning. There's no build up. It's just straight into sex basically. To have a good story you need to build the characters a bit more than you did. Like who these people are. What they look like.

Fast, yes. Not the best, but things can always improve. Do not listen to the negative. At least you tried, unlike many complaining here..

...and lame!

For possibly a first effort, not bad, not too bad at all, but could do with a little polish, a little back-story, some more and dirtier action on the sidelines, and a little more chemistry between the two of them, some previous heat. Keep going, though, there's definitely promise, and you seem to be looking in the right direction, so don't be fazed by the negatives, perhaps those who are popping at you would like to submit some of their own work for critique...?