"You need to learn respect."
"I can choose to stop being fat anytime I want."
Yeah, ooooookay. As a Westerner with a few extra pounds myself, Nikol's idiocy is even more insulting than Becca's. Wow.
This story could really benefit from an editor. It switches tenses a lot, and seems to switch places in the middle of scenes. Also "emo" or "pagan" aren't very good descriptions of a person. I think it could be better if it relied less on stereotypes.
The first chapter was not that great and this is not much better. You really need an editor. Now you have witchcraft so it fits the scifi area at least. If you looked in the mirroe and saw you gained 120 lbs in the reflection you would not just continue on like it was not there. Having sex and you gain a bunch of weight and your boyfriend walks out on you I doubt getting to your cart would be the first thought in your mind. You would be freaking out and he would have also freaked out. The characters are not acting as they would act in the situations. She hates fat people but has become a fat person and just accepts it? The changes of tenses makes it hard to follow.
You have a good idea just need to find someone to help you with the plot and edit it.
Do you even know anything about being Pagan? If you did then you would know Emo and Pagan are two different things. And a Pagan would not put a curse on someone... that three fold comes back on them as well. I think you need to develop more extensive writing skills and try using a thesaurus. Also this story truly needs an editor review. Personally I think this story is a flop. I do not believe it is very well thought out. The most helpful suggestion I can give you is start the story over, do research before you just start labeling your characters, and find someone to edit and critic the story before re-posting it for readers.
Becca's comment "Pagan emo bitch" made me LOL. I could hear her petulant pissed off tone loud and clear.
True, Nikol does NOT behave like a principled Pagan, but I've known plenty that don't. And people can call themselves anything they want.
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