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Accident Prone

byMarciaRH©
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Comments (12)
by Anonymous

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by ap2tech02/14/13

Great read

I thought your story was very romantic as well as tension filled. Seemed very true to how the situation would have played out in real life. Not over hours or days but months. Not rushed into but planned out with a wait and see attitude. We need more like this.

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by joey19197302/14/13

loved it

That was a really good story very well written.
I hope there is a second chapter.

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by LAROC02/14/13

At last !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's about time, we got a story we had to think about. I think this story in on the line between incest and romance. Well written and though out, this was one of the better reads this week. ............Thanks...LAROC OF AGES

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by RecHiker02/14/13

Interesting story

I loved the interaction between your story characters. You made the characters very realistic and I could envision lil Effie being a brat and wanting things her way. I'm also looking forward to a second chapter - and maybe more. Thanks for sharing....

RecHiker

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by Anonymous02/14/13

This story was special and realistic. The romantic theme was wonderful.

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by chris7317002/14/13

loved it

I loved the story. it was very romantic. I hope there will be a second chapter to see if he and his mom make love and he does do what he wants and makes her belly grow.

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by txcoatl197002/14/13

XXXcellent story!

You outdid yourself on this M/S romance! You painted a very believable picture of the characters and the scenario. Effie was a pill but perfectly believable. Micheal and Rachel also were well-drawn.
Jack's such a dismissive, self-indulgent child it's easy to dismiss him.
He took on adult responsibilities the instant he became eighteen to raise Micheal and Effie and did OK til he had his mid-life freak-out, which while wrong, makes sense.

As a middle-aged man myself, I find it a little easier to see and hear both sides of the story. I was Micheal myself many years ago for my mom. In my experience, the son being the rescuer too early in life dooms both the rescuer and rescuee.

However, my sour grapes about my own life shouldn't overshadow this jewel of a story of M/S romance. I want Micheal and Rachel to shag each other legless to begin the new year right, and make the steps toward a life together. Let us know how that turns out will you?.

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by Anonymous02/15/13

An exciting story.........

Well told and so much to imagine! Any chance of a second chapter? Going back to your other stories to check them out.

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by Anonymous02/19/13

You have potential!!!

I love mom son stories that take their time but this story has a few problems and to reach its full potential it should be re-written. Now, don't get me wrong, you get 5 stars for the effort but 3 stars for the final product. First of all I'd like to say that you could/should work more on your writing style and how you write certain segments, dialogue in particular. Don't be discouraged, you certainly have the required potential! I've read the story yesterday and it intrigued me enough that I had to come back and comment on it today. It means that I wish to read more stories made by you but I'd also like to see you improve your writing skills.

So the best thing is if I list all the things that didn't quite work in the narrative:

1. The catalyst

In the first chapter involving the accident you establish; a) that Michael is truly doing everything to save his mother from serious injuries the best way he can think of in the spur of the moment and b) that he is such a decent guy that he doesn't even take a real peek at her naked form. There is no eroticism in the way you describe the event, nothing that indicates Michael's interest in his mother beyond of a worried son for his clumsy mum. That creates a serious problem for the rest of the story. The event is the catalyst that sets in motion everything else that happens and in turn gives it credibility. But written as it is, it actually undermines it. So, when in the next chapters Michael suddenly has an interest unbecoming of a son for his mom it feels out of a blue. Even more so for Rachel. You actually retcon the event which is never a good thing. The reader is skeptical when you write that Michael remembers that he had an erection when he ripped her shirt, the reader wonders where was that in the text he was reading? Wasn't the boy too much in a worrying state of mind to actually experience a lump in his pants? Didn't he look away?
So, what I'm saying is that you should have given an erotic edge to the catalyst of your story. Something like an accidental brush of Michael's hand against her breasts, him actually properly seeing her naked (something that would definitely stuck in the boy's mind). Her being embarrassed, worried and slightly excited that the only man in her house is capable enough and taking action even if it means ripping her clothes! A nice pondering moment about it all and how it makes her feel was perfect for exploration while she was showering after the accident. This is a written story, not a tv show, and we the readers are depending on your words to make sense of what is happening.

2. Descriptions

It's unbelievable how many stories on Literotica don't actually have any substantial descriptions of their characters! This story also suffers from the same problem. A description is always a welcome thing! I cringe when sex bombs and athletes are the stars of mother/son stories but even that is better to no description at all. Soon after introducing the main hero and heroine, at least a basic description of their features (eyes, hair, height, weight, age and some kind of dominant trait they possess) should be a must for any author. It gives the reader a mental image to work with and further establishes them in the story. It shouldn't be on the nose, but it should be there.

3. Subtlety.

This story definitely lacks subtlety. Strange because there is not a single sex scene in it and yet it all revolves around sex. What I mean is that without warning or a hint (read point 1) Rachel is stating that she and Michael both want to become sexual partners because the first event happened. Rather matter of factly. And she seems fine with it. Not much of her thoughts go into thinking about it. the fact that she wants to become her son's lover is fine, but you should have definitely present us with more reasons behind it. You wrote her ready and willing almost immediately after the first accident without giving the reader a proper explanation on why is that. You also have Michael and Rachel having a conversation about how they want to make love to each other fairly early in the story which again works against its credibility. We get that the father is a scumbag that cheated on her with her friends and Michael is her savior, someone who loves her completely, but the story would work much, much better if Rachel's full realization and acceptance that she also wants her son as a lover and needs him that way, came in the second to last act of the story. Subtlety.

4. Effie

Effie is a major problem written the way she is. The story can't seem to decide if she is a true brat (more becoming of a 9 y.o. child) or is she wiser beyond her age.
You should have went for one of these characteristics, but not both. I expected that the story would deal with her character by making her choose to live with her father, because she certainly seemed to like him the most. Perhaps it would have been the best way. You also make Effie realize that Rachel and Michael desire each other in ways not appropriate for a mother and son like she is some kind of a clairvoyant 9y.o. Sherlock Holmes. You leave no clues, no hints and scenes that make this even a slight possibility. That's.. not good. A kid her age most likely doesn't know much clue about sex, but most importantly she shouldn't be able to deduce that her brother and mother want to do it just by their looks alone. Making her the reason behind mom's and son's decision to become a couple is also a bad idea.

5. Money and other problems

Your way of putting one final obstacle between Rachel and Michael was money. Highly realistic indeed, but completely unnecessary in this particular story. It should have been avoided and the drama pursued by some other means. Because the way it is presented to us, it is a Gordian knot and the only way to be rid of it is to cut it completely out. The realistic ending of the story would have been one where Rachel and her husband get back together and eventually he cheats on her and she puts up with it because she has to, possibly entering in an affair of her own with her son, who probably gets fed up with his father after some time and just kills him in a fit of rage. Bad ending.

What would have worked better is if the ski accident was not as terrible as it was. Perhaps some cuts and bruises but nothing serious. That realization and acceptance of Michael as a genuine candidate to be her true love should have come after she injures herself and Jack her dickish husband doesn't stay with her to care for her that evening in their room but strolls down to a bar where he flirts with some blond bimbo, or that Cassie chick is there to win him back or something. Michael of course tends to her needs and it finally dawns to Rachel that she wants him. An erotic scene where he checks her for that cuts and bruises and sexual tension between the mother and son rises would have fit right in. Effie should have been written in either a less bratish and more rational manner where she sees that her brother cares for mother more than her father does and is supportive of that and not her dad or if she is a brat so she acts like one and in the end chooses to live with dad and Cassie. Which would be a blow for Rachel, a source of drama and that last obstacle to overcome. Also, it would have been good if you used more smaller accidents to bring mom and son closer before that skiing one.

6. The climax and the ending.

The last problem is the climax or rather lack of it. I know that you wanted this to be a strict pg-13 story BUT you have to consider few things. This is a site for sharing literary erotica, as the name says literotica. Sadly, there is more porn here then true erotica but if you look hard you'll find it. Every chapter of this story is a buildup to one unavoidable point, the story's climax, where mother and son finally become lovers. Sadly the story ends before ever truly reaching it. I don't really understand why have you opted not do a lovemaking scene because a nice sweet little pg-13 one was all that was needed, no pussy, cock or anything dirty like that should have been mentioned just a natural climax of their journey and then the ending, a conclusion if this is the last entry of Rachel's and Michael's story.

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by Anonymous04/07/13

Sloth mode

Good god!!! the end just wasn't worth the long drawn out never ending brew of sludge. Jesus Christ what a slow fucking story. It just wasn't worth it!!

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by Anonymous03/10/14

Exceptional

This is a very complex story and I think that you tell it well. It is nerve racking but a very erotic and slow build. I think it is fucking awesome.

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by GeorgieH12/04/14

So Deep

May I first congratulate you on your writing. The prose is elegant and the thoughts of Michael, in particular, are wonderfully formed. Maybe Effie is a little wise beyond her years at times, but she is the catalyst that the two main protagonists need.

The story, though, is heart-wrenching and almost beautiful. More love-story than anything else - almost as if their relationship is an aide, just another issue among the many that they face together.

It ends just as it should and I, for one, am happy to rest now and mentally live out the rest of their lives. I'm so happy that you chose not to allow them to become (more) intimate within your tale, and maybe it's my gender, but I found the story to be highly erotic in its understated way.

I adore tension in a work of fiction, and the sexual and romantic stresses you wrote so eloquently about have left me sated.

This is the first work of yours that I have read, but believe me when I say I am now eager for more. This story needs no second chapter, whatever some might say in their comments, and I will admit to a frisson of jealousy - concerning your writing abilities. In the words of many who leave messages here - wow.

Georgie
xx

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