by zeus21
Good descriptive story but the caps lock was a total killer for me
I like the idea of her clueless boyfriend not satisfying her, so she is ripe for an encounter with a real man. The caps lock was distracting. I like the descriptions of them flirting on the train. She is a lucky girl that he visited her. It would be nice if he came in her then told her he had had a vasectomy.
I would like to see a chapter with her selfish boyfriend being forced to watch her get fucked and brought to orgasm by her new lover.
Well I liked the way you started at her work and to her so called boyfriend
and his lack of respect for her and their relationship. To the 45 minute train ride and
the walk home But I do have a problem with him following her that way when he could have struck up a conversation but then he would not have rapped her and that seems to be your main goal where that is not my interest I do understand it is many
of peoples erotic idea
Charlie T
I liked this and for the most part thought it was well written. The Caps....ehh I could have done without them, but it didn't kill the overall story for me. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future.
I totally disagree with the first comment as I think the caps made the story for me! Love to have a guy so overcome with lust that he literally yells what he's doing to me. Especially if he's yelling about knocking me up! I'm a little afraid of using them in my own writing but I think you used them properly.
Great story
I found this story to be very good, but the use of punctuation at times was very bad. Sentences broken up with full stops that made them jerky and unnatural at times.
The conversations using all caps are just bad writing, and a habit the writer should get out of doing. Caps mean shouting, but it’s still bad to do this generally, and you won’t see it done very often in good writing. You should have your conversations closed with how a character spoke, and so in this case you have the option of words like shouted, yelled, screamed, hollered, shrieked or commanded – to name but a few.
Your writing should be descriptive and not just a wall of block capitals. Using caps occasionally in a conversation is no major foul, but all caps in a long stream of words aren’t good form.
I loved the caps too...makes it easy for me to distinguish what he is saying from the rest of the story..