It was an interesting setup, but I would suggest putting more hints of the twist at the beginning. Otherwise it reads like a normal (boring) sex story with inconsistencies.
More sci-fi than sex though.
But the constant inconsistencies in the beginning kept me from enjoying the story "twirled her red hair" "covered her dark hair", is her name Sarah or Vanessa? Are they in New York "the city that never sleeps" or Seattle where they had dinner at the Space Needle? It might have been a good story but your inattention to the obvious made me not want to read it. I hope you can find an editor to help
That was dark! And, because I know your work, I kept going in spite of the inconsistencies...I agree that a bit more of a clue up front might be warranted but really enjoyed the twist in the tail of the story. Glad you are back. :)
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