I agree with the comment about 'no suspense' and 'straight to the point', there needs to be more build up and anticipation in your story.
However, ignore the anonymous, ignorant, comments about words, During sex, people will exclaim "I'm coming" or "he's coming" meaning, coming to orgasm; coming to climax. This is the correct use of the word. Over time it has been abreviated and shortened ,then made into a pronoun "cum" as another slang term for semen, but also refers to a man or woman reaching orgasm or "coming" to orgasm. You can use whatever you wish, it is not incorrect and you do not have to use the slang expressions that Anonymous favors, it's up to you the writer.
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