All Comments on 'California Love Ch. 02'

This update had was too much going on and was confusing, with that being said I would still like to see what happens next.

Please dont make her such a crybaby,.everytime you turn around shes crying.2

Her emotions are like a ticking time bomb. She's awkwardly over dramatic and her mood doesn't even... Transition a little. She also isn't one to think her actions over. It felt like she came after Steven (again) with the irrational mindset of a little girl. I agree that this was too fast of a chapter. All the action seemed jammed packed into a half page without being 'watered down' lol I hope you get that. But still, I want to see how this pans out so keep writing

Chapter was too short but please continue writing. I liked the sroryline it just seems to rush but can't wait to see where this goes!

I think you are rushing everything with no time for us to catch up. In the first chapter maybe you could have changed the setting to a bar so maybe i if she was drunk.her actions wouldn't be so far out of the character that.you described. She us a 24 yr old virgin Giving bj in public rest rooms to stranger. It's all very contrary which ifs fine if you clue us in on why she is behaving this way. Maybe she felt she had to shake up her life seeing ask the changes happening for her friend. Her dad i ifs a successful business man but won't help his daughter study abroad or pay for more than community college. That doesn't jive. Yet he offers her a job intimately. I think this could Be good but you need to spend more tinge leading us . Please give Steve some redeeming qualities soon.

More please! This story have something just continue.

Wow. You are an interesting writer. A lot of what you write is very, very good, but there is no feeling of natural flow, which is odd. You seem to be leaving important things out, forcing the reader to make assumptions as to what is going on with your two main characters, and why.

You have a lot of potential. Keep writing.

Five, for encouragement.

What us up with her parents not telling her about their divorce? And her father screwing around with his assistant.

Mariah need to grow up. She was the one to chase after Steven and give him a blowjob. So she can't get mad he walked away. I'm guessing Mariah usually likes to have what she wants like a spoiled little girl.

This chapter just made Mariah seem like an irrational baby and even more of. a whore Steven should not feel bad she presented herself as a whore and should be treated as such no matter day anyone has went through they should not lower their standards to the likes of Mariah she is full of such bullshit you can't even salvage her character as the strong female lead so at the very least you should just DISCONTINUE AND DELETE THE STORY

Let me see if I have this right. Mariah couldn't afford to go study in Italy with her friend, she only completed an AA degree, has a crappy job at a bank that barely helps pay her bills, yet her father is the owner of a lucrative company? Did I miss a chapter? Also, she chases a guy out of the bank to reprimand him for the way he ignored her at her job (unprofessional?), gets his number from bank records (unprofessional?), text him to meet her at a restaurant (stalker?) gives him a bj in a public restroom (immature? slutty?) gets her feelings hurt when he walks away without a backwards glance after said bj, and then looses her cool when she sees him again at not only the man's job but her father's place of business (unprofessional and immature?). So far poor Mariah seems to have the characteristics of a spoiled child denied a toy rather than a woman, and Steven has no redeeming qualities.

Did you ever take the time to consider that maybe her immature, brash and questionable behavior might be the point? That maybe..oh...I dunno...she meets this guy, falls in love and he helps her grow up? So many stories on this site feature male characters that practice similar sins. The well rounded young woman does what she needs to to help him become a man. Where the comments calling him an idiot, slut, etc? We seem to "enjoy" those now don't we? Stop hating on these female character for not being perfect. Give her a chance to fucking redeem herself. Sheesh.

I think the type of characters being written says a lot about the writer. Usually they can relate to their characters. I agree with every comment about Mariah being an immature slutty spoiled little girl. Steven needs his dick cut off. You also need to slow down, its far too rushed.

Umm this story is going in an absolutely pathetic direction. I feel embarrassed just reading this. Why are you making Mariah be sooo weak?Mann it's like depressing how pathetic she is with no one to blame but herself. This story is such a turn off.. I mean were you going for the humiliation type of story like is he going to piss on her next and then she ugly cries and still tries to get him

All of you are being way too fucking harsh. Its her first story chill out! Its obviously not going to be perfect,for her first try i think she did a bloody good job. Stop being so judgemental and if you don't like the story then find a different one. You are all fucking psycho! I love you chocolateprincess ;)

For reasons other posters have made clear, Mariah is a big old ball of unrealistic dramatics. However you're a new writer and the story is interesting even with your odd details.

There's a lot of constructive criticism in these comments. As far as character development and the tempo of the story, some work is required. Your characters are extremely unrelatable and irrational. And it's just all happening so fast so soon, and there are sooo many what,how,who's, and why's left unanswered. Possibly look into getting an editor, maybe? But I also agree with posters saying you have potential, just use the tools suggested and your writing will be that much more cohesive.

xxx Good luck

What a way to find out that your parents are getting a divorce. That little girl that he' screwing has a screw loose. Daddy has some issues and I wonder why they are divorcing? Maria is dumber than a box of rocks!

This story is pure shit. Just being honest.

WTF What's Wrong With Mariahs Emotion Ego Check Maybe She Mad Cuz He Didnt Want To Fuck Her Wow Why She Acting So Crazy Is Prego Or Jus Plain Psycho

Don't worry about the negative comments. I'd like to see where this story goes. Keep writing!

This story is no bad. Just keep writing.

Really, it is a mess: that girl is just plain stupid and unlikable. She went after him and got rejected. So now he his a dick? Really? And making a scene at his and her dad's work? Really? What is the point of that? Also, she went to community college and had a shitty job then run to "Daaadddyyyy" who is a CEO to ask for life advises? Nothing makes much sense at all.

this is a very interesting story and I like it but I do have to say that I feel bad for Mariah even though she is a bit stupid. I get liking someone but the things she does is a bit dumb and as for steven he is just a dick straight up, but overall this is a great story with a lot of potential to be amazing as it progresses........good work

Don't give up, yes it needs work, you need to slow down, work more on character development. Mariah needs to stop being a whiny immature child and start acting the adult she is. Please continue this, please don't leave it hanging like so many writers on this site that start something and never finish it.

I like this story!! It's different! not your typical "they have sex in a bathroom, then they eventually fall in love with 3 kids and a white picket fence." I agree with the comment below mine. I think this story has a lot of potential! Please don't leave it hanging without atleast telling us how it ends. Yes, mariah is a hot mess, but I still enjoy the story!!

This story has a good storyline, good characters. Pppppllllzzzz update. And make it a little longer. Other than that 5 stars from me.

I don't know why you're below a 4 star rating. Apart from the length of the story, there are barely any grammatical errors, I don't understand some of these anonymous problems. So the guys an ass, he's a cute ass that can spend a lot of time redeeming himself.

Keep up the good wrk

And I need an update on them. Preferably one leading to or is a mutual romantic fuck fest between Steven and Mariah. Lol

Please tell me there will be more

Please update (at least give it an ending so that your readers or not left hanging). It's the respectful thing to do.

I'm guessing after 3 yrs no update or closure on this. I would hope that some day you can finish. I do what to know what happens

Please update I'd like to find out more of what's gonna happen next

It was better than last time, but she always goes after him. Maybe for one, he should go after her. But seeing that this was written, what, nine years ago? I guess the Mariah and Steven saga is up in the air.