by MySecretDesire
Nice story but writing first person from two points of view is very confusing...and not technically first person..I found the story hard to follow.
The story needs considerable editing as to who is telling the story. Additional detail of just what is going on would also add to the tale as would better anatomical detail, in my opinion.
Not a bad premise, but you made this story difficult to enjoy. You messed up by jumping back and forth from different people's perspectives, and from third-person to first-person (and again, from different first-person points of view) without making it clear WHO is narrating. As a reader, I'm constantly thinking "Huh? Wait a minute, I thought the WIFE was narrating. Is it the girlfriend now? Or the reverse. Or are both speaking at once? WTF?" I gave it 3 stars because it did have potential. Let's hope your next attempt is a bit easier to understand.
"Cathy and I seemed to be having a good time already as we prepared dinner." You seemed to be having a good time? Didn't you know if you were having a good time or not? Weren't you there? This story was distracting and confusing with tense problems.
If you're going to switch POVs, have some transition. A line of nothing but special characters (such as ========= or ***********) would suffice. SOMETHING,
<P>
Unlike this commenter, I gave it a lower rating. I start all stories at 3. Not good, but not bad. Average. A story has to earn a higher rating. Of course, it can also lose points, and changing POVs is a big hit.
I'm sorry for all the editing comments sent your way. It was a nice story and perfect in the sexual sense. Great turn- on!
Thanks,
Perhaps an editor. Strongly recommend.
Love that you, and her, are so keen on rump rogering...
BUT this story was utterly impossible to follow....
Lit does have editors available, I understand....