All Comments on 'Salt Lick'

Prosciutto was not included to play against the wine,

Good story, I like the juxtaposition of then/now images. The second stanza is weak and maybe could have been cut out (this seems like a 5 senses poem - maybe you were trying to work in musk?) . Re-reading it - I think you could almost drop the first two stanzas.

The flow is very good and I think you've worked the then and now comparison well. It's dropped in so lightly that it doesn't overwhelm the poem. And you're still writing about reflections. That's interesting. :-)

A few nitpicks~

1) I am catching on the two "ands" in such a short space in strophe 2. I think you can lose the one that begins line 2 and tighten that whole strophe.

2) Strophe 4 has five lines and three "ands" two of them in the same line. Do you really need all three? I'm thinking you can lose the first one in line three, which also cuts the cliche "skin and bones"

3) In the last strophe must you begin with "And." It's like a disease lol. And more vulnerable than what? The last time he saw her, presumably, but what is the "more" really adding? Vulnerable is a strong, evocative word without being qualified. Maybe I'm being picky...

It's a beautiful poem and I liked it when I saw it on the forum. It's a quixotic mixture of lust and empathy.

gives the words a cadence

as des, i have a problem with s2, but in reverse, don't think it's long enough. also don't think "picks' is a good word to use twice.

she picks up an almond

and the whiff of musk

pulls up as an eddy

that crawls between us

soundwise "crawls" doesn't sound quite right here, i threw in some waste words for length, but would be better if the words actually waffed

was recommended in the New Poems Recommendations thread on the forum.

Please don't lose the 2nd Stanza whatever anybody else says, I loved the 'whiff of musk picks up an eddy' it jumped out at me ........ maybe change a couple of words there

'she picks an almond;

a whiff of musk

picks up an eddy

that crawls between us'

What about prosecco in silver bucket?