by naomiknowsit
I tried to read it all the way through. It shouldn't have been difficult, seeing how short this story was. I guess it says a lot that even though this WAS so short, I still ended up skipping to the end.
First of all, I have to hope that you don't speak English as your first language. You've got sentence structure in there that's so confusing, it MUST come from direct translation of some other language.
"While raising Rob this had a good purpose as she would keep out of the house anything but his interests. But now why...was it habit or what?"
I can't even say that I understand what you were trying to write, let alone suggest how you could have written whatever that was in a way that would have been comprehensible to a reader.
Then there are the typos, which you not only made, but clearly MISSED when you edited this story. You did edit it, didn't you? You did go back through it and read what you'd typed before you submitted here, right? (I'm not holding out much hope that you did, but I'd love to be surprised.) I kind of got the impression you wrote this on a Blackberry or something, something with a really tiny screen and a really tiny keyboard, which might explain mistakes like: "...peek3ed in..." and ..."when he was 14.\"
The story didn't explore very much. Not particularly original, or well-crafted. It really amounts to a colossal waste of time, both for you and for anyone who reads it. Let me close this comment by paraphrasing one of your grammatical abortions: "Rob saying a quite thank you." I'd like to say, in the spirit of what you've written, "Everybody saying a quite thank you to not doing more writing at this place."
I have to agree with the first comment. this story was so badly written, it almost put me off reading. I hoped it would improve, but sadly it did not. I hate slagging new writers, but your story was badly edited, full of typos, and was not even erotic. By far the worst first story I've ever read. Try writing your next story using Word, and run a spelling and grammar check when you have finished it. Sorry but if I could have given a minus score, I would have. The one star is for being brave enough to submit something as bad.
I am not the grammar police but the grammar on this story was so bad it was impossible to follow. And what was the deal with the equal signs?
I always set a story aside and re-read it a few times before I submit a new story. It gives me time to see if I left any errors in grammar / story flow / or I left something out that might help the story move along / it could be more dialogue between the characters that improves the story / I always use a spell check / Word by Microsoft is good. Word Pad / a free software package is Open Office good word processor if you do not have one. I too was about to stop reading due to the flaws in the story - but I figured rather than not - take the time to point out and help. Suggest you re-write and then re-submit an updated / EDITED version. Also there are Editors here who will help - if you ask. Look forward to the Re-write.
Some good ideas that should be developed. Quite a few moms enjoy listening or watching son jo. Some tease just to get lad aroused.
You have too many things wrong in this story for me to get specific. Almost the only good thing that can be said is, "it's a good idea that you can certainly fix."
I suggest you follow the advice of the couple comments that try to help. I will add that you should read your edited version aloud before you submit. Also print it and read the printed version. I find I pick up more errors like that.
the story was so short and had a lot of well to put it simply it could use a little over looking on the writing part but every one has to write in there own way hopefully in time your writing will get better
It showed a nice touch and a hot build-up, but the build-up was a little too quick and direct for total credibility.
Grammar and spelling errors were a little high. This could be fixed by a decent editor.
However, it's hard to write and I'm not trying to discourage you because I think you have some talent there.
At any rate, you had a go and did fairly well.
Thank you for sharing and please try again.
Nicely done. Be encouraged as your early work justifies such feeling.
the story was so short and had a lot of well to put it simply it could use a little over looking on the writing part but every one has to write in there own way hopefully in I
think to be the good reason
As a story seed it has potential! As a story it is below par-many mistakes even for a non native speaker to see, plus while pace was initially ok,suddenly it rushed to conclusion! It ended looking like a female fantasy taken over and finished by a boy with a hard-on! wouldn't be bad to edit and repost it.-
I can't imagine what the other commenters are going on about. This is an excellent story of hot motherfucking by a highly talented writer, five stars for sure. The mother, Brenda, has been attracted to her hunky good-looking son Rob for years. I love how Brenda cuddles and fondles her son's big balls. I think that that's one of the sweetest things a mother can ever do to her boy. I also love how she calls herself "mommy" as Rob's pumping his big hard cock up between her legs. She wants to remind herself and her boy that the warm wet hole he's stuffing and stretching is the same wonderful hole he came out of 19 years before, his own damn birth canal. Earlier she'd jacked him off, but that wasn't nearly enough for her virile manly, testosterone-filled son. Rob shows up naked in front of his mother, his big very fat cock harder than ever and reaching for the sky. Brenda's always thought her boy's cock was "beautiful," she loves it when it's soft and just hanging down over his balls, it's so damn cute she can't resist giving it a friendly little tug. But when Rob's cock is hard, throbbing hard, her motherly heart melts and her motherly cunt gets drenched. Both of them know exactly where Rob's cock and all the creamy sperm in his hot young balls belong. Rob introduces his cock to the cunt of all his dreams, gives his mother the best fuck of her life, it's the best fuck of his life too, and shoots his mom a huge twatful of his warm semen. He'll be doing that a lot from now on.
Luckily, Rob was ready to fuck his mother's pussy within minutes of ejaculating inside her. Brenda knew that her son would last longer this time, and he'd be able to go at least one, or two more times after this load of cum. She had a lot to teach Rob, but his big cock felt great, even if he was inexperienced.
Story was okay but lack depth and character development. There is not much a person can do with one page. The author seems to have potential. Keep at it.
Just gave it a 3 not much story line and how did he come to this house anyway you never wrote anything about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!