All Comments on 'Out of Sorts'

You REALLY need an editor. LEARN where to put commas. Put some sort of break in between scenes like this -----. I got tired of having to mentally add punctuation that I gave up on page 1.

Congratulations on writing such a large story, that's a real achievement. Unfortunately, I gave up when Danny started crying for the thousandth time (page 5 I think.) Why bother turning him into a wolf-shifter when his ability to make himself and others break down in tears just by proximity is so effective?

The first part was incredibly confusing because there was no indication that perspective had changed - one minute we were with Daniel and suddenly it was someone else narrating. Besides that, on the phone Caine says he has no sons - the guy has two...

Danny also said he has no idea who his father is, but apparently had regular contact with 'Uncle Gage' from an early age, then later on we find out he used to call him Daddy... WTF? Why wouldn't the mother just call Gage instead of Caine when she knows she can manipulate Gage into pretty much anything?

Why bother giving Danny a blood clot just to cure it five seconds later? I get that we're supposed to feel sorry for him but he's so pathetic by that point it seems completely unnecessary. It doesn't contribute to the plot at all, just gives him another excuse to weep uncontrollably.

Finally, 'Draven' isn't a name. It just isn't. I couldn't read a sentence with that character in it without wanting to throttle him, or his father for calling him something so stupid. Likewise 'Dillon'. I wouldn't have minded if you hadn't made it so clear that this was a modern family in a modern environment.

I can't comment on the rest of the story because I just couldn't get through it, but I'm sure it can only have improved.

I welcome someone to disagree with what I've said, but only if they can put forward an actual argument.

epic story well done need to learn to change scenes i had to go back and tell myself that they had changed location and timeline.

Thank you for an entertaining read. Sure there were some problems with the story but overall you did a great job. I look forward to reading more of you stories and watching you grow as an author.

For your first story you did great, yes you need editing help, but you write nine pages. I applaud you. You kept me engaged when a lot of seasoned writers don't. Readers don't and won't like everything you do in a story, names character development, etc. Take the useful facts, ignore the tripe and keep working to improve your craft. You see the really bold trolls signed in as Anonymous.

I really enjoyed this story. The characters were engaging and the flow of the story went well. The plot is generally well done. There was some confusion about the kidnappings and the attack scene with Jake. I don't think the whys were clearly explained. I got it was something political, but that's about it. As to Jake, why was he there, is he a wolf and what did happen at the cabin? Yes, there were some continuity issues, but nothing that an editor probably wouldn't have caught.

As to the comment on names, that's a pretty lame complaint. Just look at some of the names people are giving their children these days. Hey, we have a president named Barack! I have heard the name Dillon before and Draven isn't all that strange and is rather a nice name.

really hope to see more of this family. so much more to tell please keep going

Some parts are very similar to timber pack chronicles by Robcub32

Amazing <3

I couldn't get past the 3rd page. I was confused about the plot, scene changes, changes of perspective, whole load of grammar issues.

Confused how Caine said he didn't have any sons but then has 2. I thought Daniel didn't know who his father was but he's got an uncle who was in his life for years?

I'm a nurse, so the whole hospital episode was unlikely and unbelievable. Missing toe? He didn't know about that? He's had a PE (lung clot) and cardiac arrest but fine to leave hospital. Didn't they treat that?

No physiotherapy? counselling?

I really enjoyed your story-it kept me engaged and wanting more. A little help with editing would turn this story into a gem. As for some of the ruder comments, keep the constructive and throw out the rest.

Cal

This story was engaging from beginning to end. Yes there are some similarities to other like stories but they are not copies. HLD I think you did a wonderful job, yes a little editing, but you kept us intrigued from start to finish.

One thing I think should have been clarified for both Gage and Caine's sake is which one is the biological father. I think that would have benefited quite a bit.

I do hope you write more about this family as they are an engaging group of men and I would love to see all of them happy.

Also who was the man that Caine pissed off so much that he kidnapped Dan in the first place and why has he not been dealt with?

I loved this story. Fell in love with the characters. Don't always read long stories like this, but happy not to have to wait for installments. Thank you.

I cried for Danny more than once. In sadness and regret at his abuse but also at his ability to heal and grow and love after the fact.

All in all I loved it and hope you give us more to read very soon!

I have paid for books that were not this good. Out of Sorts is a perfect blend of mystery, angst, fantasy and romance. You have a great talent and I really look forward to reading more. Would not be surprised at all if you go on to join other literotica writers as a published author. Please keep writing and ignore the few negative comments from those with no stories of their own!

but it was convaluted, and too long. Keep writing but find a good editor.

This was a very good story. There was so much to take in. You felt every single word. I am so glad that Daniel has a family and a mate, he deserves it. His younger life was horrific, I want his new life to be beautiful. Your closing statement leads us to believe his future will be the exact opposite of everything he has ever known..., and I couldn't be happier. Please continue writing you have talent.

I completely loved this story. Great character development. Just made me fall in love with each and every one of them. Congrats on a job well done. Please don't stop writing.

This was a great story. I loved Daniel OMG he had a crazy life, the things this kid went through. But I'm happy he found family and mate. I would have paid for this book. I would love if it was a series finding mates for all.

You're story definitely kept my attention. I couldn't pull myself away from the computer until I got to the end and then found myself wanting more. Thank you so much for this fine piece of work.

More! I could not stop reading this! Xseiber@gmail.com. Please write more!

First the good...

Your story was okay. Not great, not wonderful, just run of the mill okay. I connected with some of the characters on some levels. I felt sorry for Daniel. How much hell could one person go through? I could relate to the uncertainty of Draven's and Daniel's burgeoning relationship, the angst of high school, and low self esteem.

I'm glad that Daniel had Gray to talk to about something.

This story read like a mashup of every non-human wolf story every written on Lit, and that alone deserves applause as some of them are garbage.

Kudos for having written 9 pages.

The bad...

Rape, rape, and more rape. No counseling, no therapy, everyone including Daniel glossing over what happened to him, on multiple occasions, and we're okay with? Does no one in the family talk about the important things? Daniel's mother's murder, the kidnapping, mating and the infighting, is it resolved? It was more or less life, bad shit happens, get over it. Also, how old is Daniel? 20, 18, 17, 16? How old is Draven for that matter?

You left a lot of unanswered questions. The what next? The what happened after he shifted, not even going to address the whole Caine, Gage and the others issues. We're instant family again, just add Daniel. Just bad...

The ugly...

Get an editor. Although you pumped out 9 pages, you had 9 pages of WTH. I felt like you threw in extra commas, quotation and question marks because you could, it definitely was not for clarity. Also the PoV and scene changes, were both major distractions and challenging at best.

Your story was like being on a high speed bullet train with no brakes headed for a cliff in the middle of the dessert and come to find out it has zero passengers and nothing is in danger. Great story, anticlimactic and pointless.

Maybe a few comments from them have relevance but I don't have time to go and sift those few out. And I don't think they're that important, to be honest.

Generally, I loved this story. What I loved about it was yes, a bit rough and ready, but it was a heart felt story about someone finding themselves in a family that maybe they didn't feel like they deserved, but all welcomed him nevertheless.

That felt just brilliant, reading it.

Also becoming accepted: to feel so different, but slowly becoming more comfortable with a different family that show how much they want you to part of something.

And lastly the romantic element. To be honest while I was reading it, I wasn't much concerned if Daniel ended up with Draven or Gray. What I wanted was a happy ending that made Daniel feel connected and ended his turmoil to a certain extent.

And then the ending was perfect!

Just great, thanks for writing.

Loved your story so much. Would love it so much if you could write more with these characters!

THAT WAS SO GOOD PLEASE MORE..........

Sometimes it's not that easy but eventually with some luck, happiness comes and contentment in those who love us.

An interesting idea, but as someone else commented, really only a mash-up of every other shifter story ever. And the grammar renders it virtually unreadable - a good editor or beta-reader could easily lift this from 2 stars to 4.

HLD, you did a great job. I read the story completely and now i want to read it again. Someone made a great comment about the brave trolls commenting as anonymous, that's so true. I subscribed to this website so I could proudly comment. You are doing a great job, there seem to be other people that would be glad to help new writers. Please don't let the wing nuts discourage you. If they were any good, they would write a story themselves and submit it. Also, they would have enough kajones to comment bravely and not anonymously. Keep up the good work. Please continue this series.

Good story. So many of the ones here are about nothing but sex, which I admit can be fun, but this one actually had a plot, and a happy ending with a supernatural twist. I loved it. Kind of makes me want to be a wolf.

what everyone wants, to belong and be loved!

hope you take this story further with more adventures in the future. Well written it kept me riveted all through the chapters. Well done. Again I loved it. Thank You

I agree with other comments, you need an editor, and there were gaps in the story. I think too there was too much crying, crying is okay if you're going to deal with it, but you didn't, it just made him weak and effeminate. Yes he had a hell of a journey but I don't think he came out any stronger.

In all though keep writing, just link your stories, POV and general editing

i really enjoyed the story

This is a great story. Really well written and the storyline develops nicely. A good piece of work,

Hello

I thought your story was a decent and emotional telling of a young man who is terrorized by past events I did appreciate the emotional resonance that many of your character had. However, many of the interactions with your characters was strained at best. At many points, the point of view and dialogue were very confusing and out of place, much of the time. Like many of the other commenters, I felt very frustrated that many of my questions were not answered. My biggest complaint was that Danny didn't seem phased at all when Draven raped him, turned him to a wolf, and mated him all without his permission, and he's just okay with that? After having been pyschologically scarred, especially with rape, for so many years? That's not okay.

I will compliment your ability to induce feelings of pity and sadness and for the decrepit state you tried with Danny, but like I said, it wasn't consistent and that in itself was frustrating. For your first story, very well done. But please read it to yourself after so you can catch some of these things. If you have any questions or want some advice, feel free to message me :)!

Your story was interesting but I agree that I got very confused at the holes that were left. Grammar issues and plot holes were the downfall of this story. Nice attempt but some polishing is necessary.

So I read this entire thing because of how it started and stopped. It sort of reminded me of a Twilight with wolves crossed with Yaoi... Like, if you know any artists you could get them to draw this out and Jap manga fans would go nuts. There are parts of it that make no sense... Like, Daniel being a nineteen year old Junior. That kept getting to me. But otherwise, you've got a good story. You just need it edited.

this story is amazing ...one of the best i've read on this site. keep up the good(best) work

Ok so this is like the 7th time I've read this story and while I agree with the criticism of confusion in point of view and such, I still love this story. I am still hoping you will write a sequel about the relationship as it grows. So much love between them it can only get better :)

Oh my gosh!! I have been looking for this story everywhere!! When I first read it on the Literotica app, I was in love with it. I tried looking for it but I forgot the name and who it was by so I searched 'wolf', thinking that was its title. Because I remembered the end saying "I am wolf". Ah man, you have no idea how happy I am to have found this.

I read the other comments and I saw people saying there was a lot you needed to work on. Maybe they're right, I'm not an expert so I have no idea. All I know is I love this story and I am so glad I found it.

10/10, loved it. (:

--Sir Pumpkange

I love both your stories but what is the obsession with serious injury and hospitals?

Hollywood would love this stuff as I do.

More please

Jonathan

I only wanted to say that I loved this story. Keep writing.

I love this story it's one of my two absolute favorite stories on here and I only have two stories on here I really REALLY like.

I absolutely loved this. Kept me smiling. laughing out loud sometimes too. Delicious. Pls never stop writing ❤️

This is a masterpiece! No Its not perfectly written, but it was an amazing read. Fuck the negative comments. Those that could not get through it due to errors, grammar, punctuation etc. All of the fucking English teachers bitching!!! Oh Wah Wah! Its free reading after all. I enjoyed all of the different emotions, some parts (the torture shit) where difficult to read... I got frustrated that it took so long for both characters to wake up and understand that the bond they shared from day one was love, but they were both very confused. I wish the end included a description of what Daniels wolf looked like, after such a wait, but I Loved the story.

Great read. Well done. You just didn't say... what colour fur did he get?

Please continue!

Please continue

Totally awesome...loved it

Once I started reading it, I couldn't stop.

Second read and I just love this story. It has everything, character development, loving family relations and humor. So glad that Daniel finally found love and security.

Holy crap!!! That was a great story. I would love a continuation of this!!!

Odd - why does he need to be in someone's custody, when according to Gage he is already 19? The story would also benefit from editing.

As a whole the story is great, though. I would gladly read more about those two, and why not how Dillon finds his mate - and Caine and Gage as well. Even Gray. Most of them seem straight, but you don't seem to stick to only gays. (Also I think many editors would think it worth their time after reading this and the other story of yours.)

omg I sure wish you would come back and write more of this story

Loved the story! And would like to read more about the family and the two of them together - maybe during college?