by todski28
Killer Line , Tod , if this is " just Porn " it's highly "spiritual Porn " !! 5-ed .
Did you mean 'digits' instead of 'didgets' ....?
I am curious as to why you began and ended with a watery theme, but did not keep it up all throughout? The watery theme. Not your penis. Focus.
The start is wet, the end is wet, everything in between is wet, I wanted to leave that implied, sex is messy, good sex even mores so. I was attempting to use the rhythm and rhyme to drive a pace that implies good sex, so to set the scene I use her being ready with a splash of desire to point the way. The end is all about the orgasms so that needs to be wet which gives me a frame to write in.
A splash, lots of good fore play
A river and an ocean Damn that was good sex.
I point at the start, left the rest unsaid and finish at the end by making it as wet as possible.
the organization of this, the purpose of juxtaposition of prose paragraphs and one word lines, an over-extension of an idea?
Nope, Too good to be "just." Porn? Nope. Too good to be "porn." You need a new title, Todski! Excellent.
the organization of this, the purpose of juxtaposition of prose paragraphs and one word lines, to create the rhythm, the exact timing in the delivery of images to the reader's mind. Masterful.
Enough said, I think. You brought me there, with you.
I don't know if "sliide" was intentional but it drew the action out, almost painfully real.
"Forgive me if I think God is between your thighs" is perfect.
The only jarring note: "cries beat my ears" - 'beat' just sticks out, calls the wrong attention to itself. But I can't think of what to suggest instead...