All Comments on 'Mine...Yours Pt. 01'

Absolutely love all the layers to this. Keep 'em coming!

can't imagine why you hesitated to write/submit this story. I really do think it's excellent so far.

I am so loving the story.it is really great..but needs more sex..lots more we..

This is really good! I expected some run of the mill monster story but got sucked in by the quality of the writing. It's intricate, heartfelt and the protagonist is engaging and well developed. I hope you finish it and soon.!

This was really enjoyable. More, please!!!!!

Looking for pages 6-7-8-9!!! This is good work. Was so drawn in to it I didn't miss the lack of sex scenes at all. Very well developed. Looking forward to more chapters.

I'm officially late for work

Just had to end it there

First of all- INCREDIBLE STUFF. Should I say more?? Please let us know when your next chapter is coming out, since not always on LITEROTICA (family, work, guns, knives e.t.c.) Lack of sex in this story, did very little to diminish the incredible feeling of ...... do not have enough words to describe it. I know that you have a plan for this story, and please take us on the journey with you. You have a huge fan here.

THANK YOU.

I was in two minds when I started reading, but I am glad I stayed with it as it is really good.

...is quite bad-ass!! more, please!

This was absolutely amazing. I can't believe how good this was, five stars all the way. Please get the new chapter out as fast as possible, and if you need an editor to do that please find one quick because I don't know if I can wait for next chapter. This story is now one of my favorites. There were some errors, but really they were only 'I accidentally hit the wrong key one the keyboard' mistakes.

I love this story Who needs sex when you have such a fantastic story line. Keep writing this story is great and can't wait to read the next part.

This is within sight of serious literature. Don't rush your next section; take the time to re-write and do it right.

I loved this story and look forward to seeing where it goes. I also would have loved to be your editor, but I just don't have the time, dammit. :(

Good luck!

This is extremely well thought out and pleasing to the mind to read. It was funny and poignant. You have some great build to great minor and major moments (please forgive the alliteration).

I can't wait to see how you spin this out next. This is really, really good.

plainshoneybadger

I absolutely loved reading this story and cannot wait for more. *****

It takes people in ....

I like how you're taking basic concepts of well known monsters and working them into an average suburbia. It's clever and it works.

The dialog is very well thought out. So are the character interactions. I can see that some though has gone into sculpting the hidden parts of the story.

I can't tell where you are going with the story line and given this is part one that is a good thing. You do have my (the readers) interest to continue reading, which is a writer highest compliment.

The critique:

You've never gotten a comment from me, although you have left several for me which I greatly appreciate. Here on Lit we are paid not in cash but in the comments and praise of our readers. Those two things give us a sense of worth as a writer... but they do not really help us much as a writer. Because of that whenever I leave a comment I also leave a critique. With the hopes that it will help the writer become better than he is.Whether he is a great writer or a poor one matters not.

We all gain from a second set of eyes that sing not our praise but point out the flaws.

The one thing, above all else, that bothered me had to do with dialog in the middle of blocks of text. Every time I encountered it it kicked me out the story. I had to fumble my way back into who was talking. So... a little clearer distinction when people speak. Separate their comments from the main block of text.

They are speaking! They should have center stage! They should be demanding it with every word they bring into your story.Your dialog is the very life of your story, give it room to breath.

You also write in somewhat uniform blocks of text. Do not be afraid to set a single word out by itself. It give incredible emphasis to that word.

Truly.

M.S.Tarot

This is the line that resonated with me the most. There was a lot of interesting stuff going on here (although NH isn't my thing), but that one line is what intrigues me so much that I have to read the next chapter.

This story must have burned you from the inside. I'm surprised by the complexity of it because I know that you got a push from some other authors before you wrote it. I was expecting something along the lines of your first sexual experience or a fantasy that's been locked in your head. I did not expect an epic, but that's what you have going on here.

I LOVE the voice of the narrator. I love the pace. You reveal your narrator one juicy bit at a time.

Well, PB. You got me to read Non Human. Even more impressive, you got me hooked to keep reading. Excellent work.

I was referred to your story by BearsLady and I am very pleased that she did. You have done and excellent job on this chapter and as I have time I am going to read the rest. I am trying to get out some chapters to stories I am working on so it will be a few days but I am seriously looking forward to it.

One thing I can say upfront is you did an excellent job on the character. He isn't adonis, has issues, sad back story, and most importantly comes across as human. To many of the stories on lit.com the main characters are tall stacked and handsome. They are perfect and have the perfect life. The biggest problem they have is finding their mate or next bed toy. (Yes I read a great deal of lycan stories as well as write some.)

That twist with the succubus totally came out of nowhere and sandbagged me. I had to stare at the screen for a few moments and then started laughing in enjoyment. In any case you had better keep writing or else... (I am going to throw a plug in for my stories as well. Take a look and I hope you find them to your liking.)

A little too much "injustice" to be credible.

I have a sin to confess, when I read a story to the end I always give it a 5 score. I firmly believe that if I could finish it then I am liking it and I hope that it will keep on going.

In this case I am a bit sad because I can't give more than 5...

I like the plot, the characters and the writing. Of course, it is the first chapter so there's still more to see but right now I am hooked.

So, without further delay, onto part 2!!

You're literally strengthening your audience's perspectives and giving such a compelling beginning- I'm continuing non stop to your Mine... Yours Pt.02 right now!

Powerful vampires. Pseudo-friendly vampires. Hypnotic power vampires. Super strong vampires.

So sick of the cliche vampires in stories! Doesn't matter how different the story is if the vampires are the same ridicules Hollywood garbage we've been feed since the nineteen thirties. At least back in the thirties the vampires were still the monsters, now half the time they're the heroes.

in general, i agree with the previous posting. hollywood cliches are considered 'true' history by too many people.

That we proclaim ourselves as Homo Sapiens. The honest truth is that designation is based on the flagrantly racist 19th century pseudo-science of eugenics.

In reality the proper scientific designation

for the species human is Homo Anthropophagus.

I am not a big fan of monster & supernatural stories. I do make an exception for well crafted writing and cleverly (humanely/humorously) imagineered storylines.

In my opinion, payentbrant has done a fantastic job of crafting the characters and dialogue for this story. I look forward to reading the rest of this series and baking some cookies. Thanks for the recipe!

So I'm surfing lit and fall upon this little gem. My God, what a surprise to find such intelligent and beautiful writing, out of the blue. Though not really, as its in the top list, so that only points to my ignorance rather than its obscurity. Well done, payen. Very humorous, to boot.

I'm not sure how I came to this story " NonHuman" WTF ? , but I'm hooked . No Mum/Son incest , Slut Wife etc my usual tags , the fact is it is a very good story.

Just found this gem, and there's still 9 more chapters? Awesome

I love the way you made such unusual characters.

I do love vampire and lore stories and I like how you managed to make Mr. Abernathy, vampire that he is, come across as a likable but strange man. I also liked Jemima and her empathy.

:) I am looking forward to reading the rest of this series.

The beginning is what draws the reader in. Your beginning made me never want to continue. The shabby first person, the information dumps, and the constant interruptions within the story made me stop reading. Normally I don't comment but I think if you want to go into writing definitely take a few writing workshops.

i am several chapters further along, many great chapters ahead. beautiful gem upon beautiful gem.

marking as a fav so i won't lose this. thanks for your creation!

Sure the meandering, rambling style is a bit much at times but by the end of one Ch I couldn't care less. It fits, the style- disconnected at times, it's overwhelming, just like Greg's life. I could easily cry for this guy's horrible experience yet I'm more inclined to cheer for him.

Despite the emotional assault that a very righteous man has endured he did not become a victim, but a master of his fate. What a Master he has become! Master of his anger, his fears and doubts, and yet he's still at their mercy when he's given any kindness. At the same time he's held hostage in a prison of his own design and construction.

What an incredible character story!

Faved on ch 1 for only the third time, here's hoping the captives are able to recover.

Jason

I love a good character-driven story. I agree with another commentor that your inclusion of mythological beings incorporated into suburbia was fantastic. Greg's mother discussing his ghostly and goblin-y friends with such nonchalance speaks to that! It makes them seem NORMAL, if there is any such thing.

I also agree with a poster about your dialogue needing to be separate from the rest of your text. It helps make it clear who is speaking. Your paragraphs could use some breaking up as well. All this means is that you would benefit from a good editor. It in no way diminishes your skills as a writer or the fascinating concept behind your story.

I am excited to read part 2! I'm sure it will be deserving of the same five stars I gave to this part. :)

Thank you for not making this cheesy. It was very well written. Loved it. The narrative was really awesome. The rambling the character goes into, the pain just reaching out from the words and making itself known... God! I could go on and on about this. Honestly, thank you

Lly good work man is would not take tirn to comment BT i am doing now .nice description and your story writing skill

That was fucking AMAAAZING!

Hawt dayum! Can't wait to sink my teeth into the rest of this series!

Thanks!

Those three chicks need to cut that shit out I would have acted just as strongly as they did. I don't care if they are trying to be nice, keep the fuck out of ither peoples people's lives and business. Also, that friends push might be true but at most they are just close acquaintances.

Thank you for your comment.

I am glad you like the story, however...

As to this being on a perv site, don't pervs want to read too? Lol

Sincerely,

Payenbrant

I won't take long.

Seeing an Author respond to a comment is a treat.

It's too bad that someone hiding behind an anonymous tag doesn't have the guts or courage to speak with an identity nor be willing to put their thoughts and ideas out for any jackass to critique.

The only intelligent thing said was true.

You should publish.

Amazon has options where you can do your own promotion.

A number of Authors there have published self-help books to make the transition easier.

Originality and great storyline combined with far better than average Characterizations across a broad range make me think this will be a journey well worth taking.

Thanks

If there's any way to repay your efforts, just give a shout.

I like the style of the story thus far. Too bad Aunt Jemima turned out to be so angry but I guess that's to be expected.

The story is developing nicely. I will continue on...

Just re-reading this (again!). Really, really good.

Looking forward to reading the next chapter! You have me captivated.

A compelling story. Love your writing.

Soooo ive gone back to ch 1 to reread it from the start.,lhappy new year

This is pretty well written for sure, but i just cannot take this very special main char seriously. This guy is on some next level out of shape person wish fulfillment. "All the sexy ladies gathered around our seemingly unattractive hero, for unlike the other, less signifcant females who scorn my general lack of bodily care, you ladies have sniffed out the truth; that under all this flab and mild manner is the hyper intelligent adonis you truly desire" Yes. Of course he is choosing to simply be insanely fit while also maintaining a strategic amount of excess fat. Im sorry but i actually laughed hard at this, its such an utterly ludicrous concept on this site filled with nothing but ridiculous concepts. Not to say the story isnt entertaining, it is

This is so disorganised and chaotic that I'm getting a headache. I didn't even get to finish the first page. It's like I was reading from a POV of a 14 year-old girl instead of a "man". I've read hundreds of stories here in literotica and I always leave stories unrated if I don't think it's worthy of a 5. I don't rate anything less, no matter how much I hate it, cause I know it'll fuck up their score. But for the first time ever, I think I'm giving a score that is not 5. It's because I had a huge expectation, seeing the high ratings, only to be so disappointed and got a headache instead.

one of my favorite's.don't worry about the trolls.just keep writing like you are

I remember reading this a long time ago, I remember liking it immensely, and it just kinda popped into my head the other day. Re reading it now I have to say, I still like it.

The beginning is a bit rough and jittery, hard to get into and I honestly kinda skipped through it a bit. From trying my hand at writing myself, I know beginnings are hard so I stuck with it and low and behold it gets better as you find your rhythm.

The truth is I find it difficult to re read anything. I have entire shelves worth of books I’ve read once and will never read again because I just remember too damn much of them and it’s like driving to work on the same road you always drive. It’s boring and you hardly remember it by the time you get to your destination. I say this because it’s the highest form of compliment I can give; I’m actually able to re read this story because I liked it enough to warrant a re read.

I’m not sure if you are still writing on here but I certainly hope so…🙂

I don't often give 5 stars but this time its for the unique conversational voice of the storyteller. Very very few stories teach me something new.

The story is intense and very satisfying to read. The characters are complex. I am SO reading this to the last word.

It took me three tries to get past the first page, but once I did, this became one of my favorite stories on the site.

The first couple pages of this chapter are pretty disjointed and confusing. Once you make it past those first pages, the story doesn't jump around so much. Once you get past the second chapter, you'll understand what this story is about. I would strongly suggest you wait until then to make up your mind about reading the rest of it.

There are various references through the story of this being a written journal, but I think it will be easier if you don't try to think of it in those terms, but instead think of it more in terms of being a transcript of him telling his story orally. Between the organization, and the amount of time the story spends in the protagonists head, it's much less jarring to think in terms of him telling you his story rather than reading a story he wrote down.

A strong start. This is a longish chapter, yet it is so clear it is only a start for what is to come, just scratching the surface of something deep.

I agree with kvalentine, this has the feel of being told orally - especially as he rambles when being embarrassed about what he is about to tell.

The writing felt very amateurish but I'll give this another chapter

this is my... 4th? time through this work and i still love every bit of it. thank you for your time and inspiration!

A very interesting concept, I am looking forward to the rest of the tale. Thank you.

Really hard to read. Getting personal with the reader? Stupid. A bad library device.

This first chapter is clunky and a bit hard to read, but good, enjoyable, and intriguing. However, as this is my THIRD TIME reading this series, what is coming in subsequent chapters is oh so worth it!