All Comments on 'How to Walk Away...'

Thank you for this fascinating piece and congratulations on defeating your addiction.

Someone once said about addictions that they begin like silken threads, and you are hardly aware of them and then, before you realise what has happened, they have become steel chains.

I would recommend this excellent essay to anyone with the slightest doubt about what they are doing - and what is being done to them.

To simply listen to wisdom from someone who has "been there and done that", without envying their experience, if the listener themselves is inexperienced. The fallacy of "well, they survived, so I can too" bolsters endless justifications to just go ahead and dabble with the danger anyway. Even when we KNOW something can hurt us, it becomes a challenge to experience "just how much?" I think there-in lies the trap. I suppose any addiction will hurt us just about how much we let it continue to do so, and just about how much we let it define us as a person. How naive to merely step into a room, and just wait for it; hoping only to manage a reaction from it? How will it MAKE me feel? The trap is as simple as not knowing that you have to be pre-decided that you KNOW how you want to feel; that no matter what, the person who governs your feelings is yourself. Like you say in this essay, the participant MUST control it, instead of being controlled by it. SO HARD to do, when giving up control to OTHERS seems to be the very thing, doesn't it?

The alcoholic may give up "some" element of control to the bartender. But the server doesn't drive the drinker to his establishment. So too, the responsibility and more importantly, the accountability LIES with-in. As is often the case with social distortion, people tend to blame others, INSTEAD of themselves, whilst they take up the façade of "victim". This is the very foundation of being in denial about having a problem. If alcoholism is a "disease", does that really make the drinker a "patient"? Maybe, but there will NEVER be a scenario that allows the bartender to become the "doctor"!

Perhaps the parallels aren't comfortable, but I absolutely agree with your essay naming certain lifestyle choices as addictions. I firmly believe that under the right (REALLY- WRONG) influences of enabling behaviors, anybody can possibly become addicted to anything. My own mother seems to be addicted to talking on the telephone! Shopping, sex, surfing, painting, writing, drinking, smoking.... Yes, pick your poison. When you let any behavior become habit, and that habit completely defines you as a person, and dominates your life....then YES! You just might be an addict. Most people need and should seek help. Few come to enlightenment on their own, merely through wry observation, and self-examination. The threat of relapse is ALWAYS present. Funny enough, but I really believe that true love can be the answer. You have your daughters. Focusing on loved ones can only help to facilitate healing.

Thanks for your thought provoking essay, and....

Good Luck!

A lot of addictions start with people trying to self med and BDSM can be like that as well.People who are miserable because they never allowed themselves to have fun find freedom in someone else ordering them to have fun,experience it for the first time,then it is like a drug,they get deeper and deeper to experience more,then finf the 'real' world doesn't work.Some who find their dom/me inside grasp the thrill pf controlling others but then in their high forget their subs/slaves are human and fragile. It isn't that BDSM is inherently a problem,it is simply something that can seem to 'soothe' inner demons and end up becoming a drug to keep going,not a,part of their life.

Interesting read, from reading it I get the sense that you are actually beginning your journey more than you are arriving somewhere. Your realization that limits and boundaries are crucial in all things is an important step in that journey. Regardless of whether you are a Top or a Bottom, Dom or Sub, Daddy, Mommy, Aunt or Uncle limits and boundaries are crucial to all. By setting appropriate boundaries we begin to demonstrate self-respect which is critical in our personal development. As cliche as it sounds, if we can't respect ourselves then who can we respect. Your recognition of your submissive nature, is and was, the first step to you developing a good foundation upon which to build. As you stated "I was born submissive" and then you recognized that "two submissives is a very bad combination" this was the beginning of your path to establishing appropriate limits and boundaries. Being submissive may mean you experiment with humiliation or test your tolerance for pain or it may even mean you temporarily allow others control but it does not mean you abdicate your responsibilities to yourself and others. It is true that there are aspects of the life style that centre around the exploration or testing of limits and boundaries but they do not involve the complete disregard of them.

If you are walking away from the life style as you say, then I wish you well on your journey of rediscovery. However it sounds more like you are suited to the life style and simply have to come to terms with having set limits and boundaries from which to build and move forward. Subs by the way can have limits and boundaries and can make choices, any Dom that tells you differently has there own journey of self discovery to make. As I do not know what your previous partner did to violate your trust I cannot comment on whether it is the Life Style you need to move away from or a particular set of individuals you need to disassociate yourself from.

There is another quote that I will leave you with and it's from another American; Benjamin Franklin.

"All things in moderation."

I believe it is the tell tale sign that an addiction is running you.

One last note. Addictions are behaviours which interfere in our ability to Function. Functional Behaviour are those behaviours required of us to move effectively through our world/life. Going to work, raising children, brushing our teeth, combing our hair, getting up and going to bed. When other behaviours impede those basic things then they maladaptive or dysfunctional. So if I'd rather play on the Internet than eat supper, and I do this this with relative frequency, than I'm in trouble. So if the Life Style took precedence over your work, raising your children or being with friends, then it was bordering on dangerous and you needed to walk away from it.

I know I'm submissive, but I want to be dominant. I'm sick of doing things for others and being left with a pittance in return. I facilitate others getting want they want, and JUST get-by myself. I envy those who can be dominant. I desperately try to be that way, but I always revert to what is comfortable, being submissive, being walked on.

Has anyone got an idea how to change an innate way of thinking. Because I certainly need it.

I post this comment anonymously even though I have a nom de plume, that's how embarrassed I am about being submissive.

Yeah, I tried that. It don't work. Your nature is your nature.

Don't get me wrong I am an Alpha (think wolves) sub so it is natural that other submissives come to me for advice, support and guidance. And for a time I was hurt and confused too. I tried the Domme thing. Because I am an Alpha and have sadistic tendencies I even had subs coming to me for play.

Thing is that it was not me...not natural. Don't get me wrong...from the sub's perspective I was pretty good. Because I gave them all the things I had always wanted in a Dom and never found. But it drained me...I took their needs so seriously that the responsibilities weighed on me. Granted...all Doms should feel that kind of responsibility for the subs they play with. But 'real' Doms get the thrill/high of domination that feeds that part of them that submission does for us. And without that natural tendency...being Dom/me is way more work than it is worth.

What you are talking about is what I wrote about...finding your limits. Knowing when to say no...You cannot use me like that. Self-respect and dignity are as much a right for submissives as they are Doms. Good luck...finding your place.

It is funny to me that I read this revelation tonight because I have been struggling to bring some balance back in my life. I realize now that I may have to quit cold Turkey and that I should expect to go through withdrawal. I have all the symptoms of someone addicted and I am no longer enjoying the things I used to enjoy. Everything seems like a chore and I would rather spend all my time lost in BDSM thoughts and activities. Thank you for all the insights it really helped.