All Comments on 'The Controller'

This was a good start to the story. I hope you continue on with it, but you need to have someone proof read before you upload. You have a number of mistakes using the word him instead of her and a couple of others things. Good story for a start and keep up the writing.

I would suggest a proofreader to go over your work before you submit it. I only gave 3 stars, because the story line is good and has potential. I almost stopped after the first few paragraphs when I encountered this:

(Your main character is Megan, Ruby is a student and in the next paragraph you introduce Kylie as the tutor ... so you can see the reader's confusion about who Morgan is. Also, the very first sentence jumped at me, when 'she' was at college, turned into getting to much for 'him'. These things a proofreader would find and fix very easily)

--- When she was at college the drama was getting too much for him as a few members of the group was taking it too far so Megan decided to take control. "Shut up for the rest of the session and you will wait behind at the end of the day to speak to Morgan." and immediately the 4 foot 11 woman shut up as Megan's power had worked instantly the end of the session came and as everyone exited the only ones left in the room was the tutor, Megan and the 4 foot 11 student called Ruby. As the tutor waited for the two students to leave Megan fed into the tutors mind.

"You will place your work in the office, come back and join us." The tutor left the two students for 5 minutes making her excuses that she had to go and disappeared back to the room where Ruby and Megan was waiting. When the tutor came back she was unsure of how things would turn out. Megan saw that both the tutor Kylie (who was a stunner with a slim body, brunette hair and big tits) and Ruby were nervous so Megan put into their mind. ---

I am an editor / proofreader on Lit and would be willing to look at some of your work before posting.

I agree that it's a good story and that some errors made it confusing and hard to follow at times. Please continue

to write a lot of crappy stories

Thank you all for your responses even constructive messages they help me see which areas need work from the readers. In response to the latest message it's personal preference I write mainly science fiction stories as that is what I am comfortable around. If you do not like them or think the same as the person who wrote that comment then simply don't read them.