All Comments on 'Mom Entranced'

Is that really the all you wrote ??? Or was there some technical problem and you were not able to send the rest of this chapter ?

so she had her son when she was 9?

Is English your sixth language or something? "...Until The Telephone Ringed."??? First, the telephone doesn't "ringed". The telephone "rang". And what's with all the randomly capitalized letters? You start off some sentences without capitalizing the first word but you then choose some random words in the middle of the sentence and capitalize them! What the fuck? The first paragraph was also one huge run on sentence with some random commas thrown in. Bottom line; get an editor!

Rubbish.

About as childish as your playroom chums who favorited this mass of gobbledygook.

18 year old with a 27 year old mom?!?! And if she is under his control why does he keep asking her permission before doing anything? Also, the ending was rather abrupt don't you think?

I cannot believe I read this. I should have stopped at the age difference and ringed.

Please, Lit, take this "thing" down before anyone else has the misfortune of reading it!

Just about the worst piece of crap I've ever read here on Literotica. Whenever I find a mind control story where someone insists to be called Master and the one under the control is called a Slave then it automatically goes to the reject files. This is nothing but a piece of s**t.

The quality of this story and lack of thought which went into it clearly means you must have been under the influence of something to even submit this drivel.

Do the math with her age. 27 - 18 year old son (maybe). But lets assume 16. That still means she gave birth at 11. I know math skills in the school system are slipping but this is more than a slip.

Remove this story and have an adult read your next one before submitting. This will enable you to make it believable and readable.

I read this and was disappointed that I wasted my time. Where to begin, firstly as others have stated the age difference is a big issue, unless she had her child when she was 9? Secondly, If he is the master, why is he asking her for permission to remove her clothes? When describing the light, you don't have to constantly repeat that it is going around and around ... Also describing a room, do we really need to know that it has pictures hanging on the wall or that in the kitchen, there is a sink? I think you should read over a few times what you write to make sure it flows correctly. If I was to rate the story, I would rate it a 2 out of 10. Keep trying

Why was this even made

This one has no point, whatsoever. It's almost as bad as the one we all heard in the 7th grade ending with, "... he stripped her down and played with her ears !"

He laid her down on her bed and ... well, I've said it already.

This one really sucks out loud ! And, why did Literotica even allow it to be put here ???

Really? Really?

By the title and the username, one might surmise that this is undoubtedly a first attempt at writing by a very young, or very unpracticed author. Perhaps the harsh, but accurate statements, should focus more on improvement instead of condemnation.

To the author: There is more to writing than just relaying a thought. The details such as ages, descriptions, etc help to convey to the reader not only "what happened" but also how it happened and how it felt. These help to absorb the reader into the situation. The more you accomplish this the better the story telling. Keep practicing, regardless of your critics. That is the only way to improve.

I recommend the following:

1) keep a thesaurus and a dictionary handy for your next attempt.

2) remember that different age groups use different words to describe the same things

3) change up the word you choose in both describing things and in naming things. Example: pajamas, nighty, negligee, all describe night wear.

4) pay attention to detail. Accuracy helps make the story more believable. Even fiction is easier to read if it "sounds" believable.

Good luck

Man, you are bad in sentence construction, grammar, and syntax. Go back to basic high school composition class and pay attention this time!

I haven't had the misfortune to read anything this badly written - ever. Go back to school and do everyone a big favour by never writing a damn thing again.

So Mrs Crawford is 27 and her son is at his part-time job. Ok, and then Cory, aged 18, a friend of Mrs Crawford's son ...... So Mrs Crawford was how old when she had her son. Wow. Your Maths is about as bad as your writing. Way too simplistic to be taken with any kind of seriousness.

She's 27 but her son is old enough to work????

Is the story better the more words it has? I'm sorry, what I meant is. Is the long, long, long story better just because, for the reason of, in excuse for the wordy, wordful, words used, utilized? The second sentence is better, right?

This story is written by an illiterate

Shit.