Secret Love Ch. 1
by Deann Laws ©
Warning: This does contain material involving same sex relations, if you are offended by this in any way then don't read it. This is only for fun, and not meant for anything else.
Well where to begin. I'm not too sure when I first started to realize I had these feelings for my instructor but as I noticed as each day had passed that recently I couldn't stop thinking about her or fantasizing about her. Not that I believed anything would ever really happen, but it made it hard to face her every day in class.
As hard as I tried I couldn't shake thinking about her, and thinking about what it would be like to kiss her, to feel her lips upon mine. I wouldn't say she was the most attractive woman I've laid my eyes on, but in her own way she was beautiful, and had this power about her that just drew you to her even more.
She was only about five years older than me, but she seemed so much older, more sophisticated, and very well in control of her life. She was of average weight I would say with shoulder length dusty blond/brown hair. I'd say she was about a few inches taller than me at least. She would normally wear dresses to class, but on occasion would see her wear jeans, or something casual that made her seem more down to earth and reachable.
She was the head of our dental department, and basically ran the clinic. There were about five other instructors in our department but Lauri was basically the one in charge, though each instructor shared different responsibilities.
She had this unapproachable aura about her. You were almost scared to be called upon her in class, or to even have her look at you. She was very intimidating, but that made her even more attractive. You wanted her to notice you. I wanted to get close to her. I wanted to be more to her than just another student, but how could I do that. How could I become her friend or even more, especially when I was terrified to even be in the room alone with her.
But I wanted so much more with her, but I knew I had to shake those feelings out of my head. It would never happen. She was married with two kids, and as far as I knew she was happy with her marriage, and would never even think of being with another woman, or would even have these feelings towards me.
I was crazy to even think this. So I determined to push these feelings aside and to get on with my life and to just focus on school and what the future would hold for me. I was terribly shy, and very introverted, and kept to myself a lot. No one knew I was gay and I liked it that way. I had only ever been with two women in my life and they were brief relationships, but I was very cautious to get involved with anyone again.
My classmates assumed I had a boyfriend, and I led them to believe that. I didn't need the hassle of people knowing, let alone them feeling uncomfortable being around me. I spent my nights curled up with books, studying or watching tv, maybe one day I would find that love, or be strong enough to find that person, but for now I always had an excuse to not go out. I had to study, I had an excuse to always do something.
I didn't want the hassle of relationships, nor the hurt that always seemed to accompany them. But lately my thoughts of Lauri consumed me. Why couldn't I shake her from my mind? I had to stop this. Why did she have this hold over me, and why would I even care? What was it about her that just sucked me into her life? All I knew is that I had to end these feelings, and would just have to be content to live with this secret crush I had. No one could know, and I had to keep it that way.
Lauri was a very tough instructor, she was always hard on the students but even more so it seemed with me. On quite a few occasions I felt like going up to her and approaching her with these undeserving grades. I felt I didn't deserve some of her grades, and that I was working just as damn hard as everyone else, and deserved better.
But the shy person I was I just kept it to myself, and thought I was crazy to think that she singled me out and was harder on me then the rest. It must be my imagination, so I just tried to work harder in clinic and lecture and ignored any crazy feelings that she held something against me. But as the next semester came and gone, over and over again I felt these unnerving feelings. Damn, what is it that she holds against me, and why do I find her so damn attractive? I knew I had to keep my feelings in check, and not let them get the best of me. But I knew I was working just as hard as the rest, and she was damn harder on me it seemed.
Summer semester was coming and I had a few weeks to think, and to get her out of my system so to speak. Summer was going to be long and hard and I knew I had to settle these feelings once and for all. I figured damn her, and the rest, this semester I'm going to get the grades I deserve. Forget any feelings I may have for her, its time to think of Samantha and to stand up for what I deserve.
The few weeks break we had off, I used that time to gain any confidence and strength in myself to face the summer. I needed to get refocused. I read a lot of self help books, confidence books, tapes, you name it I tried. I was determined to go back to class a changed person. I wasn't going to let anyone get me down anymore. I had to take control of my life. I even thought that it was time to start dating again. I even tried some pheromones I had bought over the internet, not that I felt it would really work or that I would feel any more attractive by using it, or that people would flock towards me, but I did feel more confident, and if that is all it did than I was happy with that, for I felt much stronger and confident in myself. I was going back to summer school ready and prepared for a great summer no matter what.
I had gone on a few dates now but nothing that I would consider serious, but it was a start for me anyway to get back into the dating scene. People would consider me attractive, I was slim/athletic build, I loved to work out and keep my body in shape. I had shoulder length auburn hair, green eyes, though I had the offers, I still felt like I was holding out for that special someone, so I kept my dates at arms length and didn't take things too seriously. I knew I would know when the time was right or situation was right to be intimate again, and I was content to just wait for that special someone to come into my life.
Summer school started out great. I felt more confident in my clinical skills and even patients seemed more at ease with me. There were even a few occasions when Lauri was my supervisor for the day that she seemed almost impressed at how well I was doing. I had this new sense of well-being and that I could face anything.
There was this new girl in class, Shirley was her name I think, who transferred in, she was beautiful, and a few times I had thought she was even flirting with me but not wanting anyone to know that I was gay I didn't approach her and figured if she was interested then maybe time would tell with that. So I let my options stay open with that.
On one particular day I was finishing up a patient's teeth. Lauri was my supervisor for that day. She came up a few times and asked if I was doing okay and needed help, and I told her I was fine. I was actually surprised at how helpful she was with me. A few times she checked on me and patted me on my back and said good work. It just felt strange that she was overly interested in how well I was doing. I wasn't complaining but it just seemed strange. Was she actually flirting with me, or was I just reading too much into her gestures?
She definitely was being friendly, that's for sure. She had never been so helpful before, and now just seemed all too willing to see how I was doing every few minutes. Either way, I wasn't going to let my thoughts wander to any hopeful thoughts of her. I knew I needed to stay focused this semester, with graduation just around the corner and with board exams, I knew I had to stay focused on the present and keep any fantasies of her and I out of my mind cause that is all they were, just hopeful fantasies.
I know she would never feel the same towards me anyway as I do for her, plus her being married, it was just a crazy dream anyway. Well at the end of the day, I cleaned up my unit and headed to the locker to freshen up and head home for the day. Lauri hadn't been seen for the rest of the afternoon and I had to find another instructor to check my patient out, so I was curious to why she had disappeared.
Maybe I should go tell her how things went with the patient. Well I'm sure something just came up then. But I was curious to where she took off to. I wondered whether she was in her office. I questioned myself whether to stop by or not. It had been such a strange day with her being so helpful and coming up to me and being really nice and affectionate, and my curiosity just got the best of me so I decided to walk by her office after I freshened up some.
Just by luck I noticed I had packed some of my pheromones in my bag so I sprayed some on, smiled to myself in doing so, and then headed off to her office not knowing whether she would be there or not, or what I would find. I walked by Lauri's office, the door was shut but I could hear some movement inside. I hesistated a few minutes before knocking, questioning whether I should stop by or not, and if it seemed foolish as an excuse to stop by to tell her how my patient went, but oh well, here goes, and I knocked on the door.
A few minutes went by so I knocked again, still no answer. "Lauri are you in there," I said after a few minutes. There was no answer so I was about to turn around and leave when Lauri answered the door. It looked like she had been crying. "Umm..I'm sorry if this is a bad time I can come back later"
"No Samantha, come on in" Lauri wiped the tears from her face and sat down. "So what brings you by Samantha, is everything okay?"
"Yes things are fine, in fact I just wanted to tell you about Mr.Schultz, the patient I had today. Since you were gone later this afternoon I got Joan to check him out for me, but I just wanted to let you know how it went. But I can see that maybe I shouldn't have stopped by, I'm sorry, this isn't a good time, so I'll leave."
I got up to leave when Lauri stopped me.
"No Samantha it's alright sit down and tell me about today"
I felt foolish sitting there rambling on about my patient but she genuinely seemed interested in me and wanting to know how I was doing. I was quite surprised how at ease it was talking to her. She didn't seem like this ominous authority figure to me anymore but someone actually down to earth, someone I could talk to. Something had changed, or maybe it was just the way I perceived things. I don't know, but she definitely seemed more approachable.
Before I knew it I was rambling on about my life, school, and things till I finally realized I had taken up a lot of her time. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take up so much of your time. I'm heading home so I had just wanted to let you know how today went with my patient."
"No, its alright Samantha, its actually refreshing to listen. I'm glad things are going better for you."
"Umm Lauri, I know its really none of my business, but are you okay? I mean you seemed a bit upset when you first opened the door...I'm sorry I shouldn't pry." I felt embarrassed for even asking her that, and I got up to leave. A few seconds of silence went by, and then Lauri started to cry again.
"Oh God, now what am I suppose to do", I said to myself.
Lauri wiped her eyes, and just began to talk and cry. She told me that she and her husband were having some problems and that he moved out for awhile, and that she had just gotten his phone call earlier that afternoon saying he was moving out. I didn't want to pry and ask her why, so I just let her continue to talk.
Here this woman was pouring her heart out to me. I had never seen her like this before. She was always so strong and in control that seeing her like this was very hard for me. I wanted to reach out and to hold her, and to comfort her, but I knew I couldn't.
She looked at me and wiped her eyes again and sniffled and said, "I'm sorry Samantha, I didn't mean to lay all of this on you and be a sobbing mess here."
"No, don't apologize, its quite alright. I want to help if I can." I reached out and touched her hand and looked into her eyes. I smiled and told her I'm sure things would work themselves out.
"Your a very beautiful woman Lauri, I'm sure your husband knows that. You guys will work through this." I couldn't believe what I was saying to her, telling her how beautiful she was, but I just couldn't stop myself, for it was the truth.
"I'm sorry," I said and slightly pulled my hand away. It felt good to hold her hand but I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Now I was the one feeling uncomfortable. I could feel a flush starting in my body and I had to get out of there and breathe.
Lauri looked at me as I pulled my hand away and asked me if I really thought she was beautiful. Now I was definitely feeling a little warm here and had to get out of here. "Yes of course Lauri your very beautiful, anyone would be a fool to not see that." "Oh God what am I saying here," I said to myself. I need to get the hell out of here before...just then Lauri grabbed my hand as I was standing up to leave.
"Samantha, what do you see?"
"What do you mean what do I see?"
"I mean do you see me as beautiful yourself, someone you would be attracted to?"
"Lauri, I don't know what your asking, and I think I better go here before I say something I might regret or do something we both might regret."
"Samantha are you attracted to me?"
Oh shit, why did she have to ask me that. I hesitated in answering her and turned my back and was ready to run the hell out of there. She stood up and I felt her approach me from behind, and again she asked me if I was attracted to her.
turned around and saw her eyes so close to me. She was the most beautiful
I had ever seen her. Her eyes were so sexy at that moment, I wanted to
reach up and kiss her right then.
|Another top quality story by Deann Laws.|
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