Sex after Rape

There have been many threads about the ordeal that is rape, but I can't seem to find anything about sex/relationships after rape. Did you tell the new guy/girl about the assault? How did you feel throughout/afterwards? I've never been raped and people I know who have don't want to talk about it, since they feel that it's too intimate. BTW, this is for a story that I'm writing, so any response would be appreciated.

(I don't know if this has been asked before, if so I apologize in advance.)

I haven't been raped in the sense of being attacked by a stranger, but I have been date raped (by the man I eventually married - what was I thinking ) and lots of times throughout that marriage I was pressured into having sex when I didn't want to.....
I hated him and I hated myself for giving in.

My new partner knows all about it......he was horrified that this happened to me. He is very loving and caring and he is helping me to learn to relax and let go - I find it difficult to relax enough to cum, even though I am aroused and I love making love with him. I am ok when we do it over the phone, and when I masturbate and fantasise I can cum, but I never have with him (we haven't been together that much yet). I think it will happen eventually.....and then there will be no turning back....I trust him and I know he will never hurt me like my husband did.

Mona said:

There have been many threads about the ordeal that is rape, but I can't seem to find anything about sex/relationships after rape. ... BTW, this is for a story that I'm writing, so any response would be appreciated.

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Since this is for a story you are writing, the reaction should fit the point of your story.

As Puppi pointed out, every person is different. I would add that every rape is different as well. From a story-telling standpoint, you have the advantage of tailoring the rape to generate just exactly the amount of trauma to justify the response to being intimate later in life your story needs.

I've never had a relationship with a rape victim -- at least not that I know about -- but I would definitely avoid any circumstance that might trigger a "flash-back" to the rape without being absolutely sure my partner was ready for it.

I don't have anything to contribute to this but wanted to give serious respect to the gutsy women who have shared their stories here. You chicks rock.

I was going to say the same thing, but Peachy beat me to it.

Thank you all so much for sharing. I know it must have been difficult, bringing it back up. You've been a great help.







(If anyone else wants to add feel free.)

There seems to be two major reactions to sex after rape....one you have trouble with it in relationships, or two you go after it mindlessly, hoping to fill the void. I was raped and did tha latter. Everyone is different like the above threads said. If this is going to be an erotic story....I dont know how well it will be recieved unless it is way romantic. It is important to be with someone you can explain the past with and trust. To be raped is to be broken not only sexually but also emotionally...thoughts are distorted, preception on reality are skewed...the world is very ugly after rape. I hope this helped.

probably not very relevant...

at least, to the development of Mona's story.

I would just like to say.....as a guy...that I would want to know. I would want to be in a position to support her, go at her pace and earn her trust.

Of course, as a first/second date it would be too early....after all, she probably would not want to broadcast this to every guy she had a casual social relationship with. If it started to get serious, then yes...I need to know, for the benefit of both of us.

Dave

Interesting thread, I had a girlfriend that was raped, it happened shortly after we broke up. She leaned on me for support, which I gladly gave her. One night she asked me to have sex with her, I was very reluctant, worrying about all the emotions she must be going through, she explained that she trusted me, and didn't want the rape to be the last sexual experience she had, she wanted it to be with someone she trusted and was close to. It was a very strange experience, she cried during part of it, I wasn't sure how to handle it or if I was making it worse, but she thanked me afterwards, and later told me that it really helped her move on. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing though.

I had a partner who had been date-raped a couple of times, and had experienced some early incest/rape/molestation.

The biggest difficulty she seemed to have with it, I never really figured out for a long time. One eye-opener was, strangely, the movie "Straw Dogs." In this movie, there is a particularly disturbing rape scene. What makes it disturbing is the idea that the woman is enjoying it. What it really came down to was this--my partner had enjoyed some aspects of her early incest encounters, and felt a great degree of guilt about this. The thing is, though, non-consentual sex (or sex with someone incapable of proper consent, like a child) is still rape--even when they enjoy it. (On the flip side, dissatisfactory consensual sex is not rape.)

Furthermore, our experiences are almost never completely black and white. Suppose that someone made me eat a gallon of chocolate icecream at gunpoint. Does that mean that I absolutely will not enjoy the first bite of ice cream, just because I am about to throw up as I finish the last bite? If I enjoy the first quart of the icecream--does that mean I must evaluate the entire experience as positive? Of course not. Just because I enjoyed some aspects of an experience does not change the fact that I judge the overall experience to be overwhelmingly negative.

Anyhow, my partner liked being sexually submissive--and I suspect that there is connection, although I'm not sure what it is, if any.

I feel like I've just been through the wringer......was on the phone to my partner and for some reason I just had to let all the details out about the date rape....he knew it happened to me but not what actually happened.

He let me talk.....and cry....and talk some more.....and he so wished he was with me so he could take it all away, poor guy I felt bad about laying it all on him but he said it was ok, he felt so privileged that I trusted him enough to share it with him.

I have been carrying this around with me for the last 26 years. It is a relief to have finally told someone about it. I don't think it will have the power to hurt that it once did, because I am blessed with a lovely caring guy who makes me feel so wonderful

I go down to visit him in 10 days......can't wait

im a guy ive never been raped lucky me but my mother has several times.......she has told me about all of them we have a very good relationship the first time was way before i was born she told me she was 16 her so called BF grabbed her in his car and forced her to have sex and she submitted this was in a little town in virginia so she couldnt go anywhere for help the second time it was about 10 years later a second bf raped her this time in her apt she called the police afterwards and he was arrested she didnt press charges she just asked for police protection the last couple times were different i was between the ages of 3 and 6 my step father (my real father killed himself when i was 1 month old) didnt "rape" her but she told me he forced her into consetting to sex i guess i could her them yelling but he was always drunk and made her give him sex we finally ran to a womens shelter.....

(sorry its late and im tired so sorry for grammer errors)

I'm almost done with the story. It looks as if it will be rather long but oh well . . .

Again, thanks for opening your hearts to me.

Puppi, you are such a strong wise woman. We need more women like you.

Weird Harold, you're always there when I need ya.

EmeraldEyed, glad you left the sad situation. A classy lady like you didn't deserve that.

Lovechild27 and Sir-to-K thanks for the input. Both of you and Harold helped shape major characters in the story.

CentreofTown, I agree with Puppi. I think you did the right thing. So did the lady if she told you so afterwards.
You must be pretty special if she trusted you to be her first after that experience.

Horny_giraffe, I see your point. My biggest problem with the story was addressing the 'gray area'. Good input.

Bandit58, glad to see that you got out while you could and found a great guy in the process.
I'm so excited for you!

SuicidelySecure, I wish my relationship with my mom was as strong as yours and I'm sorry that your mom was a victim. But, on the other hand, she's a survivor and so are you. You have a rare outlook, an acute awareness of how abuse can change one's life, but once you don't give in, it won't break you.

Anyway, take care all.

Mona

Mona.

I seriously hope that you will post that story here and provide us a link..

I would love to read it and see how it all turns out...

Thank you all for being so brave and sharing a little bit of your life with us all....

I'm going to post to this in hopes someone might give advise.
I have only had one lover in my life- my soon to be ex. He was very abusive. The sex was bad from the begining- he was only intrested in getting off. I was not to enjoy myself. After awhile I gave up and wasn't itrested in sex much (Gee I wonder why) So he fixed the problem- he raped me over and over. There were rules- hands over the head no noise. (BTW he was a cop if your wondering why I didn't report him). I finally left when he got violent w/ our son.
So my reaction was to avoid contact w/ men. I'm getting better. The scars on the inside are close to healed.
Where do i go from here?
I don't want some one night stand.
I know i'm straight and probably a "natural submissive".

Any help would be appericated

My girlfriend was raped anally in middle school. Her Tourettes syndrom at the time had a complication in combo with her drugs causeing something akin to Narcolepsy.

Well, she was waiting for the late afternoon bus at the school, when few were around, and must have had another bout of slumber. When she was awoke, she was behind a trophy case, her skirt up around her waist, her underwear torn, and mildly bloody, and after the shock she realized just how sore she was, tho she was certain he hadn't approached her vaginally.

I'm the only one she's told, and I found out in a discussion we were having in bed about sex, and more specifically anal sex. We'd attempted it twice, and talked about it quite a bit before either occasion. Needless to say, neither time had been pleasureful for her emotionally, and I discovered that it'd caused quite a bit of stirring up of the old emotions. I don't even mention it now.

Otherwise, we have a very active and pleasureful sex life... But I'm always careful not to seem too aggressive, and am sensitive to anything we do with rear-vaginal entry.

That's all I have...

~ScottyBGoode

re:

In the UK they are conducting trial on the use of MDMA in the rehab of rape victims.

I'm not going into the mechanics of this but I'm sure some of you can appreciate how appropiate it's use would be.

I would post a link but I can't find it. Boo.

lost said:

I'm going to post to this in hopes someone might give advise.
I have only had one lover in my life- my soon to be ex. He was very abusive. The sex was bad from the begining- he was only intrested in getting off. I was not to enjoy myself. After awhile I gave up and wasn't itrested in sex much (Gee I wonder why) So he fixed the problem- he raped me over and over. There were rules- hands over the head no noise. (BTW he was a cop if your wondering why I didn't report him). I finally left when he got violent w/ our son.
So my reaction was to avoid contact w/ men. I'm getting better. The scars on the inside are close to healed.
Where do i go from here?
I don't want some one night stand.
I know i'm straight and probably a "natural submissive".

Any help would be appericated

Click to expand...

begin sappy stuff---

First of all, good for you for leaving. You took control and protected your son and did everything you needed to do. What you did was incredibly hard and makes the rest a piece of cake, really.

You're going to find some guys out there (or one in particular) who are going to be really receptive to the fact that you might not know what you want all the time. That's fine- you don't have to know all the time. There are some really good people out there and don't forget that. Value yourself high, as well. You sound like a good mother and a wise person. You're a good catch and the right guy will know how to make you feel that way, all the time, not just when he's sorry for something or wants you to do something.


remember that a lot of people who are naturally submissive in life can be dominant in bed and vice versa. In order to be really submissive in bed (and actually enjoy it) it's a good idea to be in control of your life.


You went through some bad times. You need some fun. Find people who make you laugh and who you can really respect. Trust your feelings and yourself.You're probably going to have to be very comfortable with yourself before you start dating big time.

When you are happy again, it's a win, not just for you, but for all the people who have gone through what you have.

---end sappy stuff.

Centeroftown said:

Interesting thread, I had a girlfriend that was raped, it happened shortly after we broke up. She leaned on me for support, which I gladly gave her. One night she asked me to have sex with her, I was very reluctant, worrying about all the emotions she must be going through, she explained that she trusted me, and didn't want the rape to be the last sexual experience she had, she wanted it to be with someone she trusted and was close to. It was a very strange experience, she cried during part of it, I wasn't sure how to handle it or if I was making it worse, but she thanked me afterwards, and later told me that it really helped her move on. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing though.

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Center, I would have killed to have someone like you in my life shortly after my rape. Okay, not literally - I think. Anyway, never second guess that you did the right thing. She would have let you know if it was too much for her.

Mona, I don't know if you're still taking feedback or not but here's my 'story'. I was raped at 17 by my 'friend'. He told me it was my fault and I easily fell into that lie having been raped as a child as well. I lost my virginity on a nasty bathroom floor - not exactly what I had planned for my first time. I saw him every day at school and dealt with hearing rumors about how 'easy' I was because he had gotten in my pants. Needless to say, he left off the part of knowing I didn't want to and had run to the bathroom and was trying to close the door and lock myself in when it happened. Because of the lack of trust issue, I didn't sleep with a man until I was 21, which was a horrible experience as well (LONG story). I didn't tell anyone for a long time but finally got up the courage to tell a male 'friend' what had happened on the phone one night. The next time he saw me in person, he grabbed me by the arms, threw me on the bed and said, "You know, I can rape you anytime I want." He didn't proceed to act on it but, as you can possibly imagine, that devastated me. I went through a great many years believing I couldn't trust anyone with a penis. I still get a little squicky at times, depending on the person. I don't know what affect my experiences have had on my sexual experiences - I can tell you I don't like it. I don't know if it's a mental thing or just the fact that I've had some pretty lousy lovers. I just haven't gotten lucky and found that guy that gives enough of a damn to care if I'm enjoying it or not. Lucky me...

Anyway, I don't know if my experience will help you or not. If you could do something using Centeroftown's experience with his friend, I think that would be great. Oh, that is - if he'll agree to it.

First of all I would like say I am sorry to any one who has been raped it is a horible crime for wich there is no fit punishment. Noth all guys are like that but the few who are sure make it hard on the rest of us.

To get on with the question at hand. I have been with a couple of women who have been raped and feel it is important to get it out in the open. One was very upfront from the first. The other kept it burried for many years. When it finaly came out it was almost like a betrail of trust. Even though I understood why she said nothing it still seemed like she had just had an affair. Just like women every guy feels differantly though. For me honesty is the best policy

Blackbich said:

Center, I would have killed to have someone like you in my life shortly after my rape. Okay, not literally - I think. Anyway, never second guess that you did the right thing. She would have let you know if it was too much for her.

Mona, I don't know if you're still taking feedback or not but here's my 'story'. I was raped at 17 by my 'friend'. He told me it was my fault and I easily fell into that lie having been raped as a child as well. I lost my virginity on a nasty bathroom floor - not exactly what I had planned for my first time. I saw him every day at school and dealt with hearing rumors about how 'easy' I was because he had gotten in my pants. Needless to say, he left off the part of knowing I didn't want to and had run to the bathroom and was trying to close the door and lock myself in when it happened. Because of the lack of trust issue, I didn't sleep with a man until I was 21, which was a horrible experience as well (LONG story). I didn't tell anyone for a long time but finally got up the courage to tell a male 'friend' what had happened on the phone one night. The next time he saw me in person, he grabbed me by the arms, threw me on the bed and said, "You know, I can rape you anytime I want." He didn't proceed to act on it but, as you can possibly imagine, that devastated me. I went through a great many years believing I couldn't trust anyone with a penis. I still get a little squicky at times, depending on the person. I don't know what affect my experiences have had on my sexual experiences - I can tell you I don't like it. I don't know if it's a mental thing or just the fact that I've had some pretty lousy lovers. I just haven't gotten lucky and found that guy that gives enough of a damn to care if I'm enjoying it or not. Lucky me...

Anyway, I don't know if my experience will help you or not. If you could do something using Centeroftown's experience with his friend, I think that would be great. Oh, that is - if he'll agree to it.

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The guy actually had the nerve to throw you down and say "You know, I can rape you anytime I want." ?? I am actually here at home not knowing you and I am furious that some man was THAT UNCARING and insensitive.
I am sorry that someone was that stupid.
We are not all that way, and I hope you find the man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.