SOs of Rape Victims...how did you handle it?

Some of you may have seen this question on the general board. Yes, it's the same one. Someone suggested I try here, which I had intended anyway. Thanks to all of you for always being so clear and honest with your responses. We might not tell each other that we appreciate it...but I think we all do.

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My question is for the significant others of rape victims.

We all have heard about the pain, embarrassment, anger, and flood of emotion that the rape victims go through.

But what about the significant others? The husband, the boyfriend, the girlfriend, the fiance...

What do THEY feel? How do they deal with it? How do they get over what has happened? Do they feel shame, revulsion, rage? Do they question their adequacy? Do they question whether or not they can ever be with that person again?

This question hits close to home for me. Please, serious answers, folks. Thanks.

S.

First, I want to thank Sheath for posing the question. I think it could be VERY useful for people to hear about the feelings of the SO, their coping mechanisms, and potentially what forms of support did and didn't work. It may be uncomfortable, but many really important things are.

Honestly, the closest I've come to this situation was in high school. A friend of mine expressed interest in us dating, but admitted that she had been previously raped. It took me a while to process that information, particularly being merely 16, but I ultimately decided that it didn't matter with regard to whether I would date her or not.

I personally would be outraged at the violation of a person I love. But my first concern would be for her-- supporting her, making sure she knew that I still loved her despite this horrible experience. She needs to hear and know that I don't believe she's bad, or dirty, or unworthy of my love, for the same reason her assault would not make me feel sexually inadequate in any way-- IT WASN'T HER CHOICE! She committed no wrong for which to feel bad, nor did she get raped because I was a bad lover. In fact, I would want her to know that, as soon as she felt ready, I WANT to make love to her. Rape, or even consensual fucking, is about the physical; making love is about the emotional. My emotional attachment to her has not diminished, in fact it may even strengthen as I strive to comfort and support her.

I hope I never have to go through this situation; I wish nobody ever did.

A friend of mine was a SO of a woman who was raped, I am going to forward him your question and if he answers, I will post it here.

Noor

I have a friend who has almost unbeilevably been raped on four seperate occasions. I know it's seriously fucked up her relationships. She seems to have this whole complex about not being "good enough" to be wanted in a normal way. Although I haven't seen her in over a year now (I moved) I still think of her quite often. I wish I could be there to be someone she could lean on for support. I saw her being taken advantage of by other men capatilizing on her weakness and it just made me sick. Scum like that has no place in this world.

If I do ever get the chance to see her again, I hope we could renew our friendship and maybe someday I could be someone she could lean on. I liked her very much and wish I'd done more to stay in touch with her. Now I might never get that chance because of distance between us.

I'm glad I spotted this thread and Kudos to Sheath for starting it.

A big thank you to those who have responded thus far. I know that rape is a sensitive issue, and it struck me recently that no one really seems to ask...how does the SO feel?

I pose this question for a personal reason, also. Quite a while back, I was a victim of date rape. My boyfriend went through a wild rollercoaster of emotion. He had to be strong for me...I could barely be strong for myself...so what kind of support was he left with? Very little, if any.

As I think back to what he went through, I decided to pose this question. So many significant others are left to be a pillar of strength for the person who was raped...but what really goes through their mind? I think it's important that this side of the issue be discussed, too.

Again...thank you. Your compassionate responses are wonderful. I appreciate them all.

S.

I havent myself had a SO be raped, but I have had very good friends be raped, and they came to me first about it before telling anybody else, so I think it's ok for me to tell how I felt. I was pretty pissed that it had happened, but I didn't feel ashamed of her or think that she had brought it on herself somehow (later on one of them told me that some others had thought that...it amazes me how people can think that!) I did for some odd reason, feel a little guilty for not being able to have been there to stop it. I know that that's pretty irrational, but, I'm guessing that quite a few SO's feel that way to one degree or other.

I did for some odd reason, feel a little guilty for not being able to have been there to stop it. I know that that's pretty irrational, but, I'm guessing that quite a few SO's feel that way to one degree or other.

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I felt the exact same thing. I didn't even KNOW the girl I mentioned before when she was assaulted but I still felt guilty somehow. I think that's just compassion. We wish we could just make it all better but we can't and that's tough, especially for men.

This is a broad generalization, but most men just want to "fix" something when it is "broken". Unfortunatly you can't do that with feelings. I think that is one of the reasons so many men have trouble talking about feelings in general, especially anger and sadness.

i was actually watching this movie about some girls who felt used and raped by men so they raped one of their X-bfs. it was a pretty interesting movie with dominique swain called "The Smokers". it was also depressing.
and i do have to admit im very much into porno with rape themes. i know its certainly wrong because its like advertising pain and trauma, but thats just how i feel about it. is anyone else into that and feel guilty?

hope this helps.

well, I'm not a SO of a rape victim, I'm the victim herself.

my current bf is such a doll, he makes me feel safe. After i told him, he hugged me, and told me that it wasn't my fault.

You can never hear that enough. never.

he also told me that if i ever got freaked out to just put my hand on his chest and say stop. but it gets kind-a confusing saying "oh, dont stop!" as in "dont you dare stop doing what you are" so now i just say coward. that way he knows exactly what is wrong. For the record, I've only said that once, and not because I was freaked out. I just needed to test the safety system, so to speak.

i hear/read that people in bsdm relationships have a safeword set up too. I hope its a helpful suggestion.

I posted this on the general board first by accident:

So I forwarded your question to my friend whose wife had been raped and this is what he said:

Where to begin? The significant other is usually ignored, but goes through a lot as well. I felt that I didn't do my job as her protector, or else it wouldn't have happened. The police were useless, and the military authorities do all they can to ignore rapes. So, with a few clues, I became a hunter, I won't go into the details except to say it wasn't a pretty sight. What I should have been doing is staying home and giving all the love and support I
could. Anger doesn't help the situation, and in my case I ended up getting kicked out of the military (they were truly afraid of me, and what I might do, as the suspect in my wife's rape was another soldier). The rape survivor has lost control, and so the most important thing for the S.O. to do is to not try to take over. The S.O. should do all he can to make the survivor feel desirable, that nothing has changed in the relationship. I was called in once because a soldier's fiance was raped. He was devoutly Catholic, and virginity was very important to him. I wanted to smack him and his sympathetic priest.
No one warned me about the nightmares which came several times a night sometimes. My wife was already an alcoholic, and the rape exacerbated that situation. Hope this helps, please don't hesitate to ask if you have any more questions.


I can't imagine my friend being as he described, but I know it is true. He is a very mellow sweet man who loves women, all women, all shapes, all sizes, all kinds. When you are with him you can just feel it radiate out of him.

He also mentioned that the majority of marriages don't survive a rape. I have heard this as well.

Noor, thank you so much for the reply, and thank you friend for me. What he said seems so honest and heartbreaking. I hope he and his wife are alright now.

If he is willing, I did wonder something else...

How did he feel about being intimate with his wife after the rape? Was the affected at all, and if so, how? How did he act? What were his instincts telling him to do?

I know this is a very sensitive topic, as evidenced by the emails I have received. So if he does not respond, I completely understand.

Anyone else have insights? Thank you all, so very much.

S.

Re: hope this helps.

sweet_little_cookie said:

well, I'm not a SO of a rape victim, I'm the victim herself.

my current bf is such a doll, he makes me feel safe. After i told him, he hugged me, and told me that it wasn't my fault.

You can never hear that enough. never.

he also told me that if i ever got freaked out to just put my hand on his chest and say stop. but it gets kind-a confusing saying "oh, dont stop!" as in "dont you dare stop doing what you are" so now i just say coward. that way he knows exactly what is wrong. For the record, I've only said that once, and not because I was freaked out. I just needed to test the safety system, so to speak.

i hear/read that people in bsdm relationships have a safeword set up too. I hope its a helpful suggestion.

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A thousand KUDOS to that man of yours! You're right...hearing it isn't your fault is almost an hourly requirement.

I've noticed that the man needs to hear it over and over, too. He needs to hear that it isn't HIS fault, because he wasn't there to protect the victim. That is a huge stumbling block for most of the men who have been wonderful in sharing their stories with me about this topic.

A safeword is a helpful suggestion. And testing that safeword is absolutely necessary, I think. It is instrumental in establishing trust. Thank you SO much for mentioning it, sweet little cookie.

I admire your strength, and the strength of your man. Sounds like you have a good one there.

S.

sheath said:

How did he feel about being intimate with his wife after the rape? Was the affected at all, and if so, how? How did he act? What were his instincts telling him to do?

S.

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he said:
The SO must be patient and go slow. I wouldn't even think about it for 3-6 months

Noor said:

he said:
The SO must be patient and go slow. I wouldn't even think about it for 3-6 months

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Thank you again, Noor. And thank your friend.

I agree, patience is very important...not only for the victim, but for the SO as well.

S.

Okay. I just want to note that Fuck Knob was an asshole beyond all belief with how he dealt with this.

Because it is NEVER cool to blame the rape victim for their own rape.
It is NEVER cool to call them a slut afterwards because of it.

And Fuck Knob did both. And worse.

Three cents, sheath. You just have to remember that which you don't want to sometimes in order to REALLY see.
I love you too.
Ang

CelticFrog said:

Okay. I just want to note that Fuck Knob was an asshole beyond all belief with how he dealt with this.

Because it is NEVER cool to blame the rape victim for their own rape.
It is NEVER cool to call them a slut afterwards because of it.

And Fuck Knob did both. And worse.

Three cents, sheath. You just have to remember that which you don't want to sometimes in order to REALLY see.
I love you too.
Ang

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For those of you who are wondering, I guess I need to elaborate...

Not long after I posted this thread, the Music Man and I got into an argument, during which he first suggested, then blatantly said I was to blame for the fact that I was drugged and raped one night a few months before. It was a horrible argument, during which he called me names no man should ever throw at a woman, and it ended with him telling me he should go get himself 'fucked up' on some illegal drugs and screw anyone he came across, just to get back at me.

I know that sounds horrible...but at the time, I just put it in the back of my mind and let it go. I wrote it off to being just one fight packed with way too much emotion. He apologized over and over afterward and I let it go.

Only lately have I remembered that argument...that is how deeply I let myself bury it in the back of my mind. And by lately I mean...only this past week.

I look back now at this, in the pattern of all his other actions, and I know things were very, very wrong even this far back.

This thread, however...this thread is valuable for many reasons other than showing me what the Music Man did long before I realized it. I think it is valuable for the purpose it was actually started...to help SOs talk about their reactions in the aftermath of the rape of their lover or spouse.

If anyone wants to contribute to this, please feel free.

S.

My SO .. he was wonderful. He'd hold me when I'd wake up screaming from nightmares, he'd lay down beside me when I'd had a trigger, and couldn't be intimate, he'd leave me alone if I needed it. He put up with a lot of abuse from me. He's... god, he's an angel. He's saved me from so much hurt, and been a pillar of strength for me, when others around me condemned me for it. He's been wonderful. I haven't had those dreams for about a year and a half, now, and I'm thankful for it, but reading threads like this make me realize, again, just how lucky I am to have him.

vixenshe said:

My SO .. he was wonderful. He'd hold me when I'd wake up screaming from nightmares, he'd lay down beside me when I'd had a trigger, and couldn't be intimate, he'd leave me alone if I needed it. He put up with a lot of abuse from me. He's... god, he's an angel. He's saved me from so much hurt, and been a pillar of strength for me, when others around me condemned me for it. He's been wonderful. I haven't had those dreams for about a year and a half, now, and I'm thankful for it, but reading threads like this make me realize, again, just how lucky I am to have him.

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It really, really made me smile to read this. You are a very lucky woman, vixenshe.

S.

sheath said:

For those of you who are wondering, I guess I need to elaborate...

Not long after I posted this thread, the Music Man and I got into an argument, during which he first suggested, then blatantly said I was to blame for the fact that I was drugged and raped one night a few months before. It was a horrible argument, during which he called me names no man should ever throw at a woman, and it ended with him telling me he should go get himself 'fucked up' on some illegal drugs and screw anyone he came across, just to get back at me.

I know that sounds horrible...but at the time, I just put it in the back of my mind and let it go. I wrote it off to being just one fight packed with way too much emotion. He apologized over and over afterward and I let it go.

Only lately have I remembered that argument...that is how deeply I let myself bury it in the back of my mind. And by lately I mean...only this past week.

I look back now at this, in the pattern of all his other actions, and I know things were very, very wrong even this far back.

This thread, however...this thread is valuable for many reasons other than showing me what the Music Man did long before I realized it. I think it is valuable for the purpose it was actually started...to help SOs talk about their reactions in the aftermath of the rape of their lover or spouse.

If anyone wants to contribute to this, please feel free.

S.

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My ex-fiance, who I'd broken up with directly before I started dating the guy who raped me, one day said to me that it was my fault I was raped. That I was whoring myself out to get back at him, and it blew up in my face. And that I was living in the rape, it wasn't that important of a deal. I was bleeding from the inside out, and it was my fault. Yup. It wasn't a big deal. Yup. Great. Around that same time, my first love and I met and had a deep conversation about our own lives. I thought it was going well until I mentioned that. Then he said "well that's what you get when you give away the farm"... I was shocked.. He's super-catholic, but I couldn't believe he'd say something so harsh. He went on to say that I wasn't ready to live in the world, and I should go home and live with my parents, otherwise my out of control slutty ways would kill me.

I really know how you feel. People you loved and trusted telling you what they really think of you. It's all great when you're giving it to them, but....

what assholes.

sheath said:

It really, really made me smile to read this. You are a very lucky woman, vixenshe.

S.

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Oh, I know I'm lucky.... *grin*

Well this is a different take on things I think but I shall share anyway.


When I met the man who is now my husband he had just come out of a very abusive relationship. He was a wreck,he had nightmares,he was shy,panic attacks in crowded places and generally he was hurting.


I found it very hard to cope with at times. I felt that guilt that the guys had expressed. i didn't know him but i still felt i shouldn't have let him go through what he had gone through. I felt angry, if i had bumped into his ex i'd have slapped her!


All I did was listen. all I could do was listen. I let him talk to me, tell me things and just get them out of his system. I held him close when he needed that, I had wild rampant sex with him too because he needed to know he could still do that...he needed to feel sexual in a loving relationship...not in an abusive and distructive one.


He still has nightmares,he still has bad times and the odd panic attack but time has done alot and healed alot of his pain. We got through it together. time is a healer as is letting out bottled up feelings and emotions....a stable life has helped him too. I have been with him 6 yars now and we've gone through alot together but i am still here with him...and i will always be with him. Love has united us and has helped heal old wounds for both of us.


hope some of that is of help

feeling insignificant

Maybe this is the wrong place to voice this, but it just hit me as I read through it that it in some ways is speaking about me. Apologies if this is the wrong place.
My current relationship is with a wonderful woman who although was not raped was severely beaten by her ex for catching him in the act with her best friend. He put her in the hospital for months and she still carries the emotional and physical scars. During that beating he told her that "no one will ever love a bitch like you" and "I am going to make sure you aren't attractive to anyone else".
Our relationship started long after this episode and I didn't even know about it until she came to me with it and the fears she has. He did very little time for it, and still harasses her to this day, although she has done everything she can to avoid his contact.
We have talked for many hours about it, and she learned to accept that it wasn't her fault and that she knows now that he is a coward and a low down piece of shit.
I have tried really hard to be patient and loving and a great listener, but I also try to tell her every single day how much she means to me, and how glad I am that she is in my life and as far as I am concerned she is perfect in every way.
There are dark times when she hurts and I can tell and can't do anything about it. There are questions that aren't asked but I know are on her mind. "How can you love me?" "Why?" "I am not worth the trouble I put you through". All these make it hard on our relationship and although I do my best to calm her fears and to show her that loving her is a privilege and that she is amazing, and nothing is too much trouble, in all honesty it sometimes drains me emotionally and leaves doubts in my mind that I can be the one that she wants me and needs me to be.
I would do anything for her and she knows that, but there are times when I get really scared and those thoughts cross through my mind about what may happen to us....Maybe I won't be able to be the person she needs...and that my love and understanding won't be enough.
It isn't easy..but I won't ever give up on her. I know in my heart and my head that I love her more than anyone I have ever known and I believe in her and in our love. But still sometimes it is hard.
Sorry to ramble all...Thanks for letting me vent...

Re: feeling insignificant

firefighter02 said:

There are dark times when she hurts and I can tell and can't do anything about it. There are questions that aren't asked but I know are on her mind. "How can you love me?" "Why?" "I am not worth the trouble I put you through". All these make it hard on our relationship and although I do my best to calm her fears and to show her that loving her is a privilege and that she is amazing, and nothing is too much trouble, in all honesty it sometimes drains me emotionally and leaves doubts in my mind that I can be the one that she wants me and needs me to be.

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THANK YOU for posting this!

I feel exactly that way now, concerning my wonderful friends. They are all there for me, all so willing to listen to me and be that understanding ear and that shoulder to cry on...but sometimes I wonder 'why me' and I think they surely have something much better to do than to just sit there and listen to me. I often think I'm not worth the trouble, too. I know it isn't logical, it isn't anything at all that I would ever be able to explain they 'whys' of, but I feel it so often. I'm learning, slowly, that emotional and verbal abuse can do that so easily. Those things her ex said to her while he was attacking her are the kind of things that cut deeper than any physical wound possibly could have done.

I say that because I know how she feels...and I also know the flip-side, and it is this: she needs you. She just doesn't know how to show it. Her self-esteem has been battered so badly that she doesn't know how to feel her own self-worth. She asks you how you can love her because she finds it hard to feel love for herself. No, it's not rational. No, it's not easy to deal with...it can be frustrating as hell. But at this point, she really can't help it. It isn't that you aren't enough...you are. It is just that SHE doesn't think SHE is enough.

Don't give up on her. It might mean having to tell her you love her a million times before it begins to sink in and fill in the empty hole he left in her soul. It might take years of your comforting touch before she is no longer afraid, even for an hour of a day. But it is worth it to find that beautiful woman still inside her. You know she is there...it is obvious from your post. If you keep her in your sights, one day, she will see her, too.

S.

Thank you S. Finally hearing someone say what she is feeling is somewhat normal helps to calm many of my own fears.

The only thing that really has made our relationship work is complete trust and complete honesty.
If she can't feel like she can come to me without being judged she won't, and if she can't be honest with me about what she is feeling then it is hard on me.

I know there are times when she doubts herself and those are the hardest times to deal with. It is selfish of me to feel this way, but I know when she is hiding something that she really needs to talk about, but feels that our relationship won't move forward if we talk about those issues. Actually I feel that it hurts it more because we can't get these things out in the open and deal with them.

One other thing that I find myself doing is catching myself from saying anything that could be taken wrong. Even if we are laughing and joking around there are times when I have said something that to anyone else would be side-splitting and she just goes into another demension. And yet there are times when she tells me that I don't demand enough of her, that I don't come out and say to her, "Straighten up your act and stop feeling like you aren't good enough for me."

It is a careful tightrope that we walk...question is..can we catch each other before we fall?

S..I wish you hope and peace that one day the memories and doubt will wash themselves into those dark spaces in each of us and finally lock themselves away. We can never forget, but everyday we can take a step or two towards the person we are and can be. Bless you....

Re: Re: feeling insignificant

sheath said:

I feel exactly that way now, concerning my wonderful friends. They are all there for me, all so willing to listen to me and be that understanding ear and that shoulder to cry on...but sometimes I wonder 'why me' and I think they surely have something much better to do than to just sit there and listen to me. I often think I'm not worth the trouble, too. I know it isn't logical, it isn't anything at all that I would ever be able to explain they 'whys' of, but I feel it so often. I'm learning, slowly, that emotional and verbal abuse can do that so easily.

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Sheath, darling,
I really don't have anything better to do. You're WAY more fun than Playstation 2.
And no matter what, you'll ALWAYS be worth the trouble. You've given so many of us the support we need, it's only fair we return it when you need it back.
I could say a lot more, but I won't. Not just yet.
Ang