Giving Your Kids THE TALK

I grew up in a house where my mother's idea of the birds and the bees talk was, "I didn't chase boys when I was your age." I was made to think there was something wrong with me for being curious about my sexuality, and because of that I made some very poor choices as a teen.

I do not want my children to go through the same thing. They are both currently under the age of seven, but I believe that teaching them about their bodies in age appropriate terms as they grow and change would be more effective than just picking some arbitrary age to sit them down to have this huge talk about something that will become an important part of their lives and how they view themselves.

Can anyone suggest books/reading material that you have found helpful in having THE TALK with your own kids? Or perhaps literature you found helpful as an adult that you wish you had known of as a teen?

I tried doing a search on this subject but came up with nothing, so if this has already been discussed, would you please provide me with the link?

Thanks for your input.

BirdsWife

This is a good question. Generally I remember back to school and wonder what the hell we were supposed to be "learning" in Health class when the so-called "sex-ed" unit rolled around. I think I learned more in my first two weeks online than I ever learned in school on the subject.

Honestly, just trust your own judgement. You know your kids better than anyone, you know what they can handle. Sorry, I don't really know any specific material that could help you. But it is good to see a parent taking a proactive approach on this subject and I offer my suport.



P.S. Great sig line.

I'm mommy to three kids. I think the first time the subject of sex came up is when I caught my then 6-year-old son masturbating. I explained to him I knew it feels good, but that it is something to do in his room, with the door closed, and under his blanket.
You have to approach things in a very loving way, but don't tell them more than they are asking. You do know your own kids better than anyone, and know what they are wanting to ask.
Hope that helps.

BirdsWife said:

Can anyone suggest books/reading material that you have found helpful in having THE TALK with your own kids? Or perhaps literature you found helpful as an adult that you wish you had known of as a teen?

I tried doing a search on this subject but came up with nothing, so if this has already been discussed, would you please provide me with the link?

Thanks for your input.

BirdsWife [/B]

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My mother started with sex ed from the very first time I asked...i guess for me...it made me more open and freer sexually but it also gave me a measure of responsibilty that i would not have had if my mother would have been one of those "it does not exist" types of women. I have 3 children of my own ranging from ages 6 -12 so i understand your worries on the subject. One of the most healthy things you can do while they are young is to not make sex seem like a dirty joke or embarrassing. Teaching a child to respect their own bodies is a way of keeping them safe when they get older. I think the fact that you are trying to deal with this now is very laudable. Your children will respect you more if you do 2 things...answer all questions...even if it just by saying "i don't know, how bout we see what we can find out" and always, always, always give them an open ear. If you do those two things: your children will be the better for it...and as attention whore pointed out...you know your children better than anyone...anything you choose to say on the subject if said with love, will be appreciated.

I think the best advice is catch them early. I myself arent a father yet but i do plan on kids and i plan on being open with them. Obviously nothing obsene etc but id prefer them know the facts as well as teaching them responsibility. Then once they reach a suitable age 'The Talk' wont be anything to be embarrassed about. My parents have never been open with me and ive had to learn everything myself which means im even embarrassed and unsure about bringing a girl home.

BirdsWife said:

Can anyone suggest books/reading material that you have found helpful in having THE TALK with your own kids? Or perhaps literature you found helpful as an adult that you wish you had known of as a teen?

I tried doing a search on this subject but came up with nothing, so if this has already been discussed, would you please provide me with the link?

Click to expand...

There was a fairly long thread on the general board a few months ago about "The Talk" with some good viewpoints in it. I don't have a link to it handy, sorry.

There are some very good books about "where babies come from" available for children the age of yours. My daughter tracked them down and used them to prepare my elder granddaughter for being a big sister.

There are also several very good books available for when they get closer to puberty that turned up when she was searching for the other books. She found most of them in the local library system and checked them out, so I don't recall the specific titles.

You can probably ask the kids' pediatrician or your OB/GYN for reccomendations on specific titles.


The best advice I can add is to wait for them to ask questions and then help them to find the answers.

Just answering them off the top of your head can fall victim to the "Parents don't know anything" stage that almost all kids go through, unless you can establish a reputation for "having all the answers" very early on and maintain it through the bad stages. If you help them find the answers instead, the answers stick better in the long term.

Establishing the "answer person" image and maintaining it will help with more than just "the Talk." Because I managed it with my two kids, I never really had to have "the Talk" with with either of them -- It was covered in discussions of books, movies, sitcoms, when dirty jokes are appropriate, and a thousand other topics covered in bits and pieces as they grew up.

Thank you

Thanks for your opinions, everyone. I appreciate your support and willingness to share your own experiences.

My husband and I have already started putting into the older one's head that she only has one body. We tell her she needs to take care of it so that it will last her a lifetime. That includes eating right, exercising, not using drugs or alcohol, and eventually will lead to discussions about protecting herself from pregnancy/disease when she is older.

I just hope that when the time comes to answer her questions I can actually be as open-minded as I want to be and not freak out that my 'baby' is asking about sex!

My kids knew what sex was from an early age, from living on a farm. When they asked questions I always answered them honestly, appropriate to their age.....though a 5 yr old asking "Mummy what's a condom?" can be a bit disconcerting

I found watching TV brought up some interesting discussions, especially as they got older ("Mummy what's a tampon?" ) There are some good books out there too, one that comes to mind is "Where Did I Come From" by Peter Mayle. Try visiting Amazon.co.uk, I did a search there and came up with pages of books about sex ed for kids. Try the "Health, Family and Lifestyle" section, then "Families and Children", "Raising Children", then "Sex Education" should take you to the right page (sorry no idea how to do links!)

Birdswife, no matter how old they get it's still weird to think that your kids are asking about sex.....and wait till they're old enough to DO it My oldest is coming up 20 and he's already been in a relationship.....at the same time as I was discovering my own sexuality after years of a bad marriage. Now THAT was weird.....

Re: Re: Giving Your Kids THE TALK

apet4you said:

My mother started with sex ed from the very first time I asked...

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Same with me. The first time I asked where babies came from, my mum sat me down and told me EVERYTHING, to the point where I got bored and wanted to go play. But she made me listen to her so that I wouldn't have the wrong idea. The info was pretty useless, and as I said, pretty boring, but it did get me to win a bet with a boy cousin about who had the most holes! (Cos I knew boys go to the toilet and make babies out of the same hole!)

Later on, they had a sex ed night at school, and my parents took me to that, which was kind of like a 'refresher course' for me. We also got a book that you might like to use - it's called 'Where do I come from' - it's aimed at quite a young readership. There's another one for pubescents called 'What's happening to me' that is also good when your kids get to that age.

~Cakegirl

its hard to just open up with your kids. i dont have any but being 19, i know what its like to talk with my folks. i wasnt actually able to open up to my dad until i was 16 when he started to talk to me about things.
the problem that parents dont understand is that children wont magically open up to you and listen to what you have to say or take you seriously if you wont open up to them. the door swings both ways. you should first start off by telling them something personal and than work your way to the sex talk.
ps. the personal thing my dad started talking to me about were his drug experiences, but that might be a bit too personal for 6 year olds. lol

My mom was a nurse so I got a lot of basic factual-type information from her. Think the best book I got as a teen was from Dear Abby or Ann Landers called "Talking about Sex with your Teen" or something to that effect. Gramma got it for me, she did this (and still does) with all of us grandkids as we "come of age" when we're talking about Sex.

I'll keep an eye out to see if the booklet is still out there...

Y'know, my brother is 15 and I don't think my dad has had "THE TALK" with him yet. For my dad it's like the human body is taboo or dirty...sheesh. My poor brother will prob'ly end up a monk or something He's a good kid tho...


ANYWHO, sorry for the rant. Good luck!

I love this topic

For the girls ... "The New Our Bodies, Ourselves" . I got my copy sometime in the late 90's and made it available for the daughter born in '89. When she asked a question I would "go to the book", even if I knew the answer. This led her to independently "go to the book". We've never had a problem discussing the practical aspects of womanhood but I'm not the best person to advise her on "true love". My hope is that I've conveyed a healthy and respectful attitude about sex, sensuality, and men in general. So far, she's only had cerebral crushes on boys in her class ... god help me when she gets the physical urges.

Boys ... I'll admit I don't have a clue ... having been raised in a house of women. But I have one (11yo) so I need to learn. I wholeheartedly support all his activities, talk to him and INSIST he talk to me. I also will occassionally ... intentionally ... let him open a door, skip in front of me, and let the door slam in my face ... love to see him look back and realize Mom is waiting behind that door. Now he gets a kick out of opening the door for me.

Both kids seem happy and normal. Hope this helps.

emer

Re: Thank you

BirdsWife said:

My husband and I have already started putting into the older one's head that she only has one body. We tell her she needs to take care of it so that it will last her a lifetime.

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You probably won't ever have to deal with "The Talk."

You're dealing with it every day, one concept at a time, and there will probably never be a singular occasion you can point to as the dreaded "Talk."

parenting

I'm not a mother, but I have some advice anyways. Currently, I am living in Denmark with a few families. The parenting ideas are very different over here (and better) than in the US. It sounds as if you want to be very open with your children. You need to let them know that sex and drinking and stuff is okay (they will do it anyways, trust me). Here the drinking age is 15 and so is the age of sexual consent. My host sister spends the night and her boyfriends and vice versa, and everyone drinks. If your children know you are okay with it they will talk to you, much better than hiding like most American teens.

Just something to keep in mind,
Shannon

the talk

I was never given the talk. My parents had and still have a strong marriage, but I never saw them cuddle, kiss, or heard them having sex in their bedroom. Sex and romance was never discussed. As a result, I had a few teen years where I was shy and embarrassed about anything of that sort, like I was dirty or wrong. They never gave me any religious crap about it, but they never came out and said it was ok either.

One time my mother caught me masterbating when I forgot to klock my bedroom door. I went downstairs and cried for ten minutes. That was the first and only time that my parents ever said that sex and masterbation was ok.

Re: parenting

shannon893 said:

I'm not a mother, but I have some advice anyways. Currently, I am living in Denmark with a few families. The parenting ideas are very different over here (and better) than in the US. It sounds as if you want to be very open with your children. You need to let them know that sex and drinking and stuff is okay (they will do it anyways, trust me). Here the drinking age is 15 and so is the age of sexual consent. My host sister spends the night and her boyfriends and vice versa, and everyone drinks. If your children know you are okay with it they will talk to you, much better than hiding like most American teens.

Just something to keep in mind,
Shannon

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There are very good points here. I think there is a very good reason that even though sexual activity rates are probably around the same in Europe, the STD rates are lower. It's called information. Even if sitting through "the talk" with your kids/parents is uncomfortable, I would bett it's far less uncomfortable than herpies!!!

"All you ever needed to know about sex" is a good one. There are also a ton of books out there on how to talk to your kids. Start while they are young. If you have daughters, explain how their bodies work. If you have boys, let them know what their penis is for. Call their genitals by their given names and answer their questions simply. You are giving your kids an amazing gift by wanting to be open. SO many good things come with being open about sex with your kids. Start now and by the time they get to active age, youll be good to go and youll have some smart teens on your hands. Do some reading yourself on it first to get some ideas on how to approach it and so youll be able to answer anything they throw your way. Good luck! I wish my mom would of tried to be more like you!

Being the single mother of 2 girls I had LOTS of "talks" about sex. Let them bring up the subject - but keep your answers simple at first. Short to the point answers are good. Kids are very interested in their bodies and others bodies at a very early age. Animal Planet, Discovery Channel often show animals mating, babies being born - a good place to start a discussion and give some information. The best advice I can give is be open and HONEST! Kids can spot a lie in a second.

Re: I love this topic

emer said:

For the girls ... "The New Our Bodies, Ourselves" . I got my copy sometime in the late 90's and made it available for the daughter born in '89. When she asked a question I would "go to the book", even if I knew the answer. This led her to independently "go to the book". We've never had a problem discussing the practical aspects of womanhood but I'm not the best person to advise her on "true love". My hope is that I've conveyed a healthy and respectful attitude about sex, sensuality, and men in general. So far, she's only had cerebral crushes on boys in her class ... god help me when she gets the physical urges.

...

emer

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FYI, the Boston Women's Health Collective responsible for producing Our Bodies, Ourselves also has a book specifically for pre-teen/teen girls called (I believe) Our Changing Bodies. It came out well after my teens but I am sure it would be well worth checking out.

Thanks for the additional recommendations, everybody. I'm definitely going to check out some of these books to supplement what I teach my kids in person.

emer--I really like that idea of "going to the book". The older one and I already do this type of research with other subjects, so it would be a familiar way to broach the subject when it comes up.

BirdsWife

Our talks just happened as things arose. My spouse thought I sometimes (usually) gave too much info, but I wanted to leave the door open. We started when my son was 5 and came home from kindergarten with some silly misconception that some other kid had given him about sex or babies or something. I always tried to say that sex was good, a positive thing, a loving thing, sometimes just for pleasure, etc., but it entailed risks -- pregnancy and various diseases, some incurable. They could be avoided, but you needed to understand them.

When my son was 14 and my daughter had just turned 12, I went to Costco and bought a large box of condoms, which I put under the sink in their shared bathroom. Then I took a large handful out and threw them away, so no one would know how many there were in there. I also told them they could give them to their friends if they needed/wanted one or two. I think my daughter gave them to each of her friends. I heard from several parents about that (but none were upset).

I have offered to get my daughter on the pill any time she wants.

Like others have said, it is an ongoing conversation in my home. I am a divorced mum of one. We have discussed 'everything' in a factual age appropriate way. As she ages the questions get more involved, and she requires more info.

I took heart from the fact that she came home from school and said that she was the only person in her health ed class who could correctly name all the male and female 'parts'

At times my answers are very personal, like when I lost my virginity, and what I thought about that. I've found that now she is a teen, I make a habit of reading some of the books she is reading ie 'Twilight' and using these as a catalist for discussion with regard to relationships and sex.

Id much rather she come to me.

I totally agree with keeping the subject an ongoing conversation.

You need to be very open, honest and keep the lines of communication open both ways.

It isnt too early to start. Start with normal body things and proceed with their curiosity. Do not try to hide anything. They are too smart for that.

Not sure if you have girls or boys but a great starter book for girls is "The Care and Keeping of You". Its an American Girl book.

Just talk to them like you would talk to anybody else that you love.Speak from the heart not a book,then listen....Their questions will lead the conversation.Dont feel the need to explain everything at once.This should be like all other conversations,ongoing.

Anyone else but me notice that this thread is six years old? I think she's probably figured it out by now. Just sayin'.....