General bitch followed by a question

I am currently 7 weeks pregnant and earlier this week I was hospitalized and then sent home to 48 hrs of bedrest to help avert a miscarriage. Thankfully I was able to stop it and my baby is currently doing alright.
At any rate, my OB told me that until my next visit on June 9th she wants me to take it as easy as possible. She has written me off on sick leave from one of my jobs and advised me not to be on my feet for more then 3-4 max. No lifting over 20 lbs and no heavy, serious excercises. In this restriction she has included sexual intercourse.

I passed this info along to my hubby and assumed he understood, but apparently not!!! I was laying out upstairs today, trying to get rid of a massive backache and I happened to be nude- to make full use of the ac in my 80 degree house-
The fact that I was nude seemed to be all it took to get my husband aroused and he began to initiate sex. Not only was I miserably uncomfortable from the backache, but the weight of his body on top of me, the heat, and the fact that I wasn't in the least in the mood made the situation uncomfortable at best. I reminded him playfully as he tried to enter me that sex was a no no still...he continued. He began to thrust shallowly and I again reminded him....he still continued saying he just wanted to remember what it felt like to be inside me w/o a condom. I got pissed and told him to do whatever the fuck he wanted but to just do it quickly and get it over with since I wasn't getting in the least aroused and was in fact in quite a bit of pain.... and the bastard did. He just lay there on top of me shallow thrusting until he came!!!
I felt like a damn cum depository! Afterward he rolled off and went to sleep and I spent the net several hours dealing with back and abdominal/pelvic cramps. When I got on him about it he said that it wasn't like he was fucking me or anything, that he was hardly humping me, just had the head in and I was ok so what was the big deal!!???

So here's the question...
How do I
#1 make him understand that NO SEX means NO SEX! OF ANY KIND!! I tried explaining that what my OB meant by No sex was nothing that might cause uterine contractions, i.e. orgasm, and he said that since I didn't climax he was in the right.
#2 make him comprehend that it is not somehow part of my wifely duties to have sex with him when I have no desire to. I am generally very giving sexually and try to make time for him whenever I can, but now my health is of paramount concern and his sexual desires need to take a back seat. This has been an ongoing problem for a while now, but given my health restrictions I feel it really needs to be adressed now more then ever.
#3 do this w/o sounding like a total bitch or making it seem as if it's the pregnancy hormones talking and not what I really mean.

Well thanks for letting me vent...any advice would be appreciated.

wow honey im so sorry bout your condition...!!

You need to make very clear your condition. Your dutie is now not only to him, but the baby you are carrying as well. If he cant understand, bring him to the doc with you and let her tell him to keep his cock away from you. No one should treat you like that...even your husband!

Okay, maybe you need to be bitchy to him, because that is totally not okay.

Bastard husband

Speaking as a dad, I'm apalled!!! That was completely uncalled for, and endangered your child. Serious talking, even bitching is definitely in order. I don't know him, so I can't tell how he might respond, but he needs to understand first the danger to the baby, then the discomfort you were in. The nicest thing I can say about the situation was that he was both incredibly dense and unbearably rude...the worst would involve criminal rape charges.
Somehow, you have to make him realize just how badly he acted. Then you can talk about what sort of things you and he can and can't do sexually. Get your doctor involved if necessary.

I wish you all the best with your baby. Please let us know how things work out.

Gravyrug

May I suggest a cast iron skillet or a rolling pin? Carry one with you at all times and if he even comes near, make sure that he understands NO SEX, means just that, his cock doesn't get anywhere near you.

If he isn't concerned for you, then I would think that he would have been concerned for the child.

Might be your husband, but sound like he was acting like an ass to me.............

Wizard said:

Might be your husband, but sound like he was acting like an ass to me.............

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No kidding. I can't believe the nerve! Sheesh. Sorry, hon.

Thanks for the shoulders all

This is our third, and very unplanned pregnancy. The pregnancy itself has caused a good amount of stress within the marriage on account of my OB telling my after a prior surgery that it would be very hard for me to concieve again. Well there's another screw-up for the medical books right? He's had a very hard time accepting it and to be honest I don't think it's fully sunk in to him yet that we're having another one.

The sex thing has been coming to a head for a while, this just compounds it. I'm not a doormat but I do feel as if part of it is my own fault. Prior to this pregnancy I'd been working 2 jobs, one second shift and one third shift to help make ends meet. We literally were never in the same house together except weekends. I was always exhuasted but I had to keep the dayside job for the pay and the nightside job for the insurance-free health vision dental for the whole family for part time work...can't walk away from that w/ 2 kids!- Being so tired all the time I seemed to never really be in the mood, always to tired to make love, or even have a quick screw. We were both full time students at the time as well and with 2 kids well....alone time was and is in short supply. Somewhere along the line I just started agreeing to it even when I wasn't in the mood figuring that if we waited til I was rested enough to enjoy it it'd never happen. I didn't fake my orgasms mind you. I would literally just lay there going through the laundry, grocery, budget, whatever until he came and then I'd go on to the next activity. At first it was actually a deterent. He'd get pissy about why should he bother if I was just going to lay there and I would explain that I just didn't have the energy and we'd forget about it.
Then he got laid off. I picked up even more hours at both jobs and still made every soccer game and swim lesson, so that our daughters wouldn't feel the pinch quite as much. I tried to be understanding at home, knowing it was deeply wounding my husbands pride to have me shouldering every financial repsonsibility while he looked for work, and once again I started catering to his needs even when I wasn't getting anything from it. Frankly it was one less thing to argue over, one less fight to have. Incredibly stupid I know, but I did it.

I guess I thought he would understand that it wasn't appropriate from a medical standpoint now, that it would somehow sit with him and be acceptable coming from a doctor. Guess not.

Things have been going south for a while now. He's started working again which would have helped except that now I'm having to take long term leave from one of my jobs until I deliver so money is still going to be tight. I don't want it to seem as if he's always been a jackass. He hasn't. This used to be the guy who remembered to tell me I was beautiful every morning and would call me on his lunch breaks to thank me for marrying him. This is the guy who used to take the baby in the middle of the night for walks around the block so that I didn't have to wake up. I used to thank my lucky stars I had him, but somewhere in the past 2-3 years that seems to have changed. So slowly that I didn't realize until it was already happening. Now I'm the one who always works, who always pays bills on time, who schedules and keeps appointments, helps the kids w/ homework, cleans the house, does the laundry, etc etc. etc. Somewhere along the line my marital obligation to pick up his slack when he was down has turned into me doing everything and him sitting on his ass like the damn king of the world. Everyone in the house does everything for him, even my oldest daughter, just to keep the peace.

I guess my problem is that if I've been letting it go on for so long I can't suddenly make it a problem without coming off as an irrational bitch. Though I'm to the point now where I really don't give a damn if I do or not.
Thanks again for letting me bitch. Oddly enough it makes me feel better to vent it here. Helps me to present a better more calm argument when I approach him. to all of you.

Can I suggest you maybe write him a letter?

You write well, and I think if you wrote him a letter, saying much of what you've just said here, it might be a more effective way of communicating, or at least an opening for further communication, than trying to talk to him. In a letter, he can see your words, think them over without having to come up with a response right away, and less chance of an argument starting, you know?

A good idea Peechy

I always seem to present a calmer arguement on paper. Must be able to keep the redhead temper in check until I open my mouth...lol! That and to be honest I'd do just about anything to avoid another arguement since it seems like lately that's all we do with each other. I don't remember the last time a serious " discussion" between us didn't end up with a slammed door or a " fuck you"

I think regarless of the stress and the tension between you two on the subject of lovemaking, it still doesnt excuse what he did!

Writing a letter may be good. If that wont work, seriously try counseling. Maybe your doc would even be willing to sit with you two and get it through his head that his behavior isnt acceptable.
I really do hope you feel better and the baby does fine...

funny how they are ALWAYS wrong when they tell you youll never conceive again

He was wrong to do what he did. If you talk to him and he doesn't comprehend it's time to play jingle balls.

From the looks of it your husband needs a good sound whooping to start. Followed by maybe some counseling and therapy.....and definatly some couch time.......His actions over time have been so inconsiderate and abusive it makes me want to puke.....I wish you luck trying in your situation and offer my prayers.....my only recomendation is if his behavior doesnt improve get the authorities involved.

Hope things work out for you two. Sounds like you might need soem counseling. But as PK said, a letter is a good start. Good luck. BE26

He is trying to get you to abort?

He sounds pretty abusive to me, I would start looking for ways out.

From my point of view as a daughter who had to deal with "keeping" the peace that took away part of my childhood, I can tell you that it effected me and siblings permanently. Children have a right to be children, children should not have to walk on eggshells.

It doesn't matter how you sound, he was wrong! You are on limited activity that includes his not making use of your body.

So what if you are bitchy, you are pregnant, he forced himself on you, you don't need to be reasonable in your reaction.

just my crabby opinion

Sometimes a boy needs his mama....

Since today was mothers day, we spent the afternoon with the respective grandmas having a late supper etc. His mother took him out into the back yard with her saying something about a crack in the pool filter she wanted him to look at and invited my mother to come along and look at some of the herbs in her garden while I stayed inside with the kids.
After about 20 minutes or so I heard some shrill female voices and poked my head out the back window to see if everything was alright. Guess what? They had him treed...literally. He was backed against a tree with both my mother and mother in law reading him a full on riot act about how he was 31 years old and he needed to pull his head out of his ass and act like a man, needed to treat the marriage like a partnership and understand that that meant things weren't always going to go his way and to stop walking around acting as if he was some sort of injured drama queen. That they were sick and damn tired of watching his family tiptoe around him so as not to upset his precious little life and that if he didn't and I walked out on him they wouldn't blame me one little bit. There was more but that cover the general gist of the lecture.

So...he comes back inside and when we went home he's asking me why I sicked the moms on him, why I didn't talk to him myself. I said it wasn't my idea, and didn't it say something to him that his own mother thought he was acting like an asshole and enough of one to call him out to his face. That his mother who has never been fond of me is telling him that he's dead wrong in how he's treating me? I told him I wasn't going to fight with him or argue with him, but that the behavior was going to end one way or the other and if that meant I had to leave then that was what would happen. I explained very calmly and very rationally that if any other man had treated me the way he had been treating me recently I'd have castrated the fucker, but because I love him I made exceptions where no exceptions should have been made. I explained that it wasn't just me, that his 9 year old daughter walked on eggshells around him, that his 3 year old wasn't to far behind. And that it wasn't fair to any of us. I told him that I wasn't going to accept the words, I'M SORRY and THINGS'LL GET BETTER I PROMISE at their face value this time. That the trust had been to far breeched to be repaired with words and actions were needed. I asked him if he would consider talking to a counselor, because SOMETHING was obviously eating at him and he needed to work that out before anything else and the problems we were looking at needed an objective impartial hand to review. He asked me if I honestly thought things were that bad between us and I told him that I did. That I wasn't really presenting it as an option but rather an ultimatum. Either he started the path to work things out or I took the kids and I left. I emphasised that this WAS NOT the way I wanted things to go. That I wanted more then anything to have the love and compassion that made our marriage such a haven back and that I would be willing to help, support, and listen, however he needed me, even if that meant hearing things I didn't really want to hear. That I would be there however I could be, but that I was done " making exceptions" for him. I said that it was easy for him to think that there were no problems because he wasn't the one who's life was falling apart around his ears, he wasn't the one who was being violated and abused.

There was some crying, and thankfully no yelling- which is a step with us anyway- and he said that he would agree to speaking with a marriage counselor. I said that didn't automatically make things right. I was hurt, and angry, and mistrustful and actions would speak louder then words. We agreed that he needed some time apart from me to see what exactly it is that I do for him. So until our first few sessions are over,and he begins to understand that I am not there to be his blow up doll, he'll be sleeping in the guest room after the kids go to bed. My girls adore him in spite of everything and I don't want them worried about divorce while we try to work through this. That he is responsible for himself and that means financially too. I still expect him to contribute to the children and the household bills, but any other needs he must pay for himself out of his own pay. I will not do his laundry or cook his meals, find his workboots in the morning or his school books at night. I don't know if any of this will help, but it's a start.
I do love him, always have and always will, but I've finally started to realilze that I cannot allow that love to cloud my judgement. I would not tolerate this from any other man. I would not encourage my friends to tolerate it, and yet I seemed to have somehow deluded myself that this was part of my marital obligation.
I hope that things get better, and I thank all of you for your support and good wishes.

Well I'm the first to say GOOD for the MOM'S and family and everything you say is great news to me........

Hope he goes and learns something about himself........

That really is great news

Great. You MIL may not be fond of you usually but her actions were very impressive. Sounds like the moms will be a good support for you.

Hang tough. You are doing a good job. Remember no matter how sweet he gets, stick you your guns. This needs to be a permenent change.

Why is it that some people have no idea the damage they cause and how preventable it would be if they just grew up and took responsibility for themselves and their actions?

Hmmm ::tilts his drink to the Mom's:: G/l hun I hope this is the start of good news.

I think he's immature

I haven't posted in a while, but your story is stirring.

As a father of an almost 4 year old, I have some background from which I speak. My wife and I were married for over 6 years before we had our first child. This was intentional to allow us to complete school and get financially stable. That makes our situation easier.

In your case, it sounds like you guys were okay financially until the babies started arriving. Then the need for insurance and income increased. Add to that the time you guys spend in school, and you are finding it very tough to find time to be friends, forget about lovers. As a guy, if he goes 48 hours without an orgasm, he's probably read to hump the sofa. That means when you get some "quality time" together, he goes straight for sex where as you would appreciate a little help or maybe some nice conversation. He was probably used to the "none" or "one kid" lifestyle that allowed you some spare time after being a mom. Now that you can't possibly do that alone, you need help. He's not mature enough to recognize this on his own. Hopefully the tag-team-duo of Mom and Mom-In-Law woke him up. If you are still the "beautiful person" that he's "lucky" to be married to in his eyes, then he will straighten out and start helping.

I think you guys need some time to heal the relationship along the way. If you are comfortable with your mom doing it, I recommend maybe a weekly or every-other-week night out (or whenever time permits) where she watches the kids and you guys have some time together. She clearly cares enough to get involved, so hopefully she can facilitate this. Do something intimate that involves the two of you communicating and hopefully leaves some time for some love making too, in whatever variety you can do, even if that means some cuddling and kisses. I think that time together will restore the feelings you both had for each other.

I admire what you are doing. My wife doesn't work and stays home full-time to take care of our one son. I think she works very hard. I can't imagine working two jobs, taking classes, and having 2 kids with 1 on the way. That requires such strength to pull that off. Even if your husband was amazingly thoughtful, that sounds hard. Given that he's been selfish and immature just adds another obstacle to overcome.

Congrats for holding it together this long and good luck in repairing the relationship.

OSA

PS. Happy Mother's Day!

Wizard said:

Well I'm the first to say GOOD for the MOM'S and family and everything you say is great news to me........

Hope he goes and learns something about himself........

That really is great news

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I'm with you Wiz.........

And Mstrskey, I took this issue over to the GB, it appears the concesus of opinion there is pretty much the same as here......

Good luck lady, you need it

ozraven said:

I'm with you Wiz.........

And Mstrskey, I took this issue over to the GB, it appears the concesus of opinion there is pretty much the same as here......

Good luck lady, you need it

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Yes, he did take it over to the General Board. Didn't tell you or others about it until 10 minutes after I said how foul it was to cross-board like that.

What a warm, comforting way with words you have OzRaven. Did you get much from starting your ANAL SEX!! thread with a link to this dear woman's story?

I've dealt with my own issues with my ex and helped some friends with their's and I hope that if the changes don't occur on his part as he said they will you will keep up your end.

People do not change if they do not truly believe that there will be consequences for their actions. You husband knew you wouldn't turn him down for sex if he pressured you enough, and you didn't. It's a pattern. Look into your past and see if there is a pattern for a honeymoon phase where he promsies to be better and then backslides. If he backslides again follow thru on your stated consequnces.

Before you say "Easier said than done" I'd like to share that when my daughter was 3 I asked myself: Do I want her to grow up like this. The answer was no, and I left him not because I loved him less, but because what was good for her was more important than what was good for him, or me.

When I became a mother I gave up the right to be utterly selfish or the promise to put him first. My child, til the day she's able to be on her own, is frist.

Is it just me or am I the only one who thinks he was subconciously fucking you hoping you miscarried? God, I seriously hope that's not what was going through his mind, but that was my first thought. He had sex with you KNOWING it would harm the baby. Please, I pray things work out and he finds out what an enormous asshole he was to save your family. And if it doesn't, I'm sure there's a line of people who could "take care" of him for you, hehe...