Do you find it difficult to talk about sex?

What a question for a sex-talk board, huh?

Seriously...do you find it difficult to talk about sex after you have done the deed? What is the aftermath like for you? Do you become shy, or reflective, or simply drop off to sleep? And if your woman (or man) wants to bring it up the next morning, do you stumble around and wonder what to say?

I have noticed several friends of mine who have no problem dishing all about sex with their women...but their SOs seem to think that they clam up and won't talk about it. Is it easier to discuss sex with a friend than with your lover? And if so, why?

If you get shy and bashful after having sex, what do you think causes that reaction?

And perhaps most importantly...if you have a lover who becomes shy in the afterglow, how do you gently break them out of that shell?

Lots of questions.

(As you can tell, my curious streak isn't over yet. )

S.

"Seriously...do you find it difficult to talk about sex after you have done the deed? What is the aftermath like for you? Do you become shy, or reflective, or simply drop off to sleep?"
I don't think that I ever find it difficult to talk about sex, lol. I don't like to answer questions after I orgasm though... as in our last bout for example. I came three times (which is wonderful yet not usual for me) and my lover kept asking me how many times I came. For some reason I just don't want to talk about that... putting it into technical terms ruins it for me. So I just traced out the number on his chest... Immediately in the afterglow I just want to lay wrapped up in his arms in silence until both of our hearts stop beating so furiously. After I've rested I'm all up for discussion, lol.

"Is it easier to discuss sex with a friend than with your lover? And if so, why?"
My first thought is 'no' but I do definitely hold back a bit more with my lover... because he is my sex partner and I don't want to say something on a sudden whim that might disturb him or hurt his feelings... He is naturally more sensitive about my sex life than one of my friends would be because he's such a crucial part of it.

"If you get shy and bashful after having sex, what do you think causes that reaction?"
I don't think it's shyness more than it's just exhaustion. I just want to catch my breath and get my body back to a slowed down back to earth pace... I want my man to just hold me and lay there looking sexy and silent for a few minutes while I do the same, lol. Then I like to go and get something to eat... after I have my first bite of something I'm up for talking about anything .

Tania_Rides said:

I want my man to just hold me and lay there looking sexy and silent for a few minutes while I do the same, lol. Then I like to go and get something to eat... after I have my first bite of something I'm up for talking about anything .

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...you're like the stereotypical guy, lmao: orgasm, nap, and food...

My level of chattiness typically depends on the woman I'm with. If she wants to drift off to sleep then that's what I'll do... if she wants to talk for hours then I'm all for that... if she wants to jump up and go grab a bite to eat, I'm game for that too. But I'm pretty laidback and I have no shame - I'll talk to anyone about anything, LoL.

Native Alien said:

I am a female version of Milo. I don't find it the least bit difficult to talk with my lover about sex. But then I come from a family that is both open and honest about it.
Milo, are you sure that you aren't one of my brothers? lol.

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I was all set to beg for a date until I read that last line, lol. I'm just doomed to never find my female other half who isn't a suspected relative ::sigh::.

As for my being your sibling... you cannot ever really be sure when it comes to my family but that is a story/set of encyclopedias for another day, lol.

sheath said:

Seriously...do you find it difficult to talk about sex after you have done the deed? What is the aftermath like for you? Do you become shy, or reflective, or simply drop off to sleep? And if your woman (or man) wants to bring it up the next morning, do you stumble around and wonder what to say?

Is it easier to discuss sex with a friend than with your lover? And if so, why?

If you get shy and bashful after having sex, what do you think causes that reaction?

And perhaps most importantly...if you have a lover who becomes shy in the afterglow, how do you gently break them out of that shell?
S.

Click to expand...

I sat here staring at the keys for a moment, and continue to do so for seconds at a time, trying to think of what to say here. How to phrase my response.

If anyone has read my other posts on this board, they may have gathered that I have no qualms about posting here. I can talk about nearly anything. On this board.

I find it incredibly difficult to talk about sex, before during OR after the deed. I do find it easier to talk to friends about it. My husband (and every other lover I had before him, for that matter) has never brought it up the morning after.


Okay. Now, with the meaningless answers out of the way, I will make an honest attempt to explain. I truly don't know all the quirks that exist in my psyche to make me the way I am. I am working extensively on that. For now, I do know that there are several reasons, not just one, that cause and hold my inhibitions in place.

(If I bore anyone at any point, I'm sorry... but finally I feel like maybe someone can help with this thread so I'm getting it all out on the table...)

I know that I've always been fascinated with sex, since I was a child. It was nearly an obsession, but one that I couldn't talk about to anyone for fear of being thought of as a bad kid, a freak (which, incidentally, I was already considered at school), or any other yucky stereotype. I suppose keeping all that in has continued into my adult life.

To continue, I have had incredible struggles with fantasy. Not because I have a wierd one, but because whenever I try to think of one (or create one) I draw a blank. Without fail, I always have to go in search of someone else's. This leads to incredible frustration, especially when my husband tells me he wants to know what my fantasies are. I feel like I'm lying either way -- whether I tell him the truth that I can't think of any, or spout off someone else's that I just read. Even my stories have been built off other's suggestions because I had the urge to write and started asking around what I should write about.

The last thing I'll write here for now is the simple fact that I am both completely comfortable sexually with my husband, and completely uncomfortable sexually with him. We have had trust issues in the past (with him and online whatever) and he too will not disclose any of his fantasies to me. I appreciate the fact that many fantasies are a private matter to the individual, don't get me wrong. But I've also asked him what he MIGHT want to try SOMEDAY, what he would consider exploring in the world of spicier sex, and usually come up against a brick wall. Last month, we developed a system where, being as we have trouble communicating verbally with each other about sex, we instead type up a short 'sex idea' with either something we really want to do, a 'scene' of some sort, you get the general idea. We figured this would guarantee us at least two nights of wild sex a month. Instead, I made every attempt to follow through with his idea and he wouldn't let it progress to it's completion, stopping me in the middle of it and having plain sex. I love plain sex. But I was disappointed because I had been excited about the something new and he stopped it. He never even bothered to try implementing my idea. And I was REALLY looking forward to that. Now we're into July, and even though I've told him I was disappointed about last month and he's agreed to make last month up to me in addition to this month's paper, he still hasn't even bothered to do anything resembling my idea. It's actually putting a damper on my enjoyment of sex. And I still can't tell him, even as we're about to do the dirty deed or during it or after it, that I would prefer to do something else. I can hardly bring myself to tell him something HURTS, it's all but impossible to tell him something isn't floating my boat.

I think hurting his feelings is a worry as well.

Okay, I'm really sorry. That was long.
Just my overbudget $.02

Ang

sorry i just had to.

Why would i get embarrased about talking to my self?

I'm as comfortable as he is talking about it. I don't think I could be with someone I couldn't talk to about sex or anything else. Sometimes it is better to not talk right after just cuddling is enough.

Hi Sheath

Seriously...do you find it difficult to talk about sex after you have done the deed? What is the aftermath like for you? Do you become shy, or reflective, or simply drop off to sleep? And if your woman (or man) wants to bring it up the next morning, do you stumble around and wonder what to say? Nahhh not shy at all... very open. I like to be reflective sometimes , especially if it was something new and was wonderful. Wanting to know what made the person wish to try it or how they liked it.

I have noticed several friends of mine who have no problem dishing all about sex with their women...but their SOs seem to think that they clam up and won't talk about it. Is it easier to discuss sex with a friend than with your lover? And if so, why? Sometimes it can be . Rarely though. Sad to say , it just depends on how open or receptive the person you are with is. I've been with someone in the past , that no matter how open I was or what I wished to talk about or show , he wouldn't listen or wish to try . My female friends and a couple of male friends will talk about most anything.

If you get shy and bashful after having sex, what do you think causes that reaction? Lol that has only happened on a few occasions. One of those was bad. A lover not wishing to see me cum , so he turned his back and left the room when he was done , but didn't wish to see me do so . It was very humiliating and and made selfconscious for sometime.

And perhaps most importantly...if you have a lover who becomes shy in the afterglow, how do you gently break them out of that shell? Depends on if the circumstances warranted me trying. And the person as well. Usually I would have waited and talked when they were ready.



Lots of questions.
Good thread Sheath

I have to admit...

I'm so jealous of all of you! To be so in tune with yourselves and open about it, I really admire you.

***none of that was sarcastic!!!***

I am curious to see what sage advice or head-pummelling anyone could give to help me get away from the closed-lip life... at least as far as talking is concerned.

I really do have the desire to express wants and needs and thoughts and blah blah blah blah...

God, why do I feel like such an idiot???

Ang

My wife says i get absent minded and that my thoughts fly.
We kind of try to think up a "theme" or "wish-list" for our
next endavor.



Anders

I never have a problem discussing sex. Before, during, or after. My man is kind enough to do the quizzes with me in the ladies magazines I subscribe to, and to at least listen to what I have to say about most anything. What a dear...

Big smiles,
Wantonica

P.S. I've taught him so much! Perhaps he's overwhelmed... and we aren't young pups.

Edited to say: I really do look like my avatar, though not so young any longer.

I don't have problems talking about sex before, during, or afterwards...the problem I run into more is being able to talk at all afterwards! I get wiped out!!

SexyGiggles said:

I don't have problems talking about sex before, during, or afterwards...the problem I run into more is being able to talk at all afterwards! I get wiped out!!

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<bows> As the Boy Scout motto goes, I do my best!!

Re: I have to admit...

CelticFrog said:

I'm so jealous of all of you! To be so in tune with yourselves and open about it, I really admire you.

***none of that was sarcastic!!!***

I am curious to see what sage advice or head-pummelling anyone could give to help me get away from the closed-lip life... at least as far as talking is concerned.

I really do have the desire to express wants and needs and thoughts and blah blah blah blah...

God, why do I feel like such an idiot???

Ang

Click to expand...

Please don't feel uncomfortable about being "closed-lip," it's pretty darn normal. Remember that folks posting on Lit are inherently sex-talkative. And "polite society" doesn't exactly encourage us to be open and talkative about sex either! You're conditioned from birth to not say anything!

I have two suggestions for you:

1) Start small. Hopefully you have a caring and supportive partner who WANTS you to talk to her. Even something as simple as "Last night was especially good" is a start. You can build up to what it was about last night that was so good.

2) Try writing it down first. Many people need to process their thoughts before speaking them. Writing can be a good way to do so, especially with emotional or embarrassing topics. You can then share your writings with your partner. If it makes you more comfortable, ask her to write her replies (thus giving you time to process them and write back, rather than trying to talk on the fly in response). You could even have a sex-journal you both write in!

Good luck!

And now to answer for myself...

In most of my past relationships, my partner and I didn't have a relationship conducive to sexual discussion. Either too conservative and proper or too casual (fuckbuddies).

My current gf is completely different. We're both completely open about our needs, fantasies, histories, and limits. I especially like talking after we've tried something new. (Like Tania, I generally prefer to let us both catch our breath and have a sip of water first. Besides, why spoil a moment of seeing her nearly unconscious from orgasmic bliss?!?) After something new, I want to know what about it was great and what we can improve next time. I especially wanted to talk after we discovered what we call ubergasms-- the super-orgasms she has from simultaneous clitoral and g-spot climaxes. I could tell when they hit her that she was in an altered state of consciousness, on another plane of existence. Her body was in bed with me, but the rest of her wasn't. Talk about feeling like the ultimate stud!! In discussing it, she agreed that she's somewhere else, but couldn't describe it further... Guess we'll just have to keep exploring! (She doesn't seem to mind.)

Re: Re: Do you find it difficult to talk about sex?

CelticFrog said:

<SNIP>

The last thing I'll write here for now is the simple fact that I am both completely comfortable sexually with my husband, and completely uncomfortable sexually with him. We have had trust issues in the past (with him and online whatever) and he too will not disclose any of his fantasies to me. I appreciate the fact that many fantasies are a private matter to the individual, don't get me wrong. But I've also asked him what he MIGHT want to try SOMEDAY, what he would consider exploring in the world of spicier sex, and usually come up against a brick wall. ...

And I still can't tell him, even as we're about to do the dirty deed or during it or after it, that I would prefer to do something else. I can hardly bring myself to tell him something HURTS, it's all but impossible to tell him something isn't floating my boat.

I think hurting his feelings is a worry as well.

Okay, I'm really sorry. That was long.
Just my overbudget $.02

Ang

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Wow...this thread has really sparked some interesting responses.

I'm glad, Ang, that you felt compelled to write what you did. Your frustration shows in your words.

Maybe it's so difficult for you to reveal fantasies, or even let yourself go enough to think of a few, because you don't have any return on that investment, so to speak. It's a really disturbing thing to reveal your fantasies and dreams and then get nothing at all in return. I have been with men who did that...asked me what my fantasies were, and I gladly opened up, but when it was THEIR turn I got nothing from them at all. No fantasies, no attempt to act them out, nothing. And it made me self-conscious, sad, and angry.

Yeah, many fantasies ARE a private matter...but when you're sleeping with someone, that kinda negates the meaning of the word 'private', I think. You did something really helpful by offering to write down thoughts and fantasies...the fact that he doesn't want to take even that step would make me demand on the next step...counseling. Something is missing there if he's not even willing to try.

And if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Your self-esteem is being affected by his reluctance. Hearing from an outside source that you are normal, that you ARE entitled to fantasy and to reciprocation, can make a world of difference in the way you feel about sex. And perhaps taking that step to counseling will show him that there really IS a problem...right now, he might think that since you don't tell him that you don't like it, all is fine and dandy. You casually mentioning that you made an appointment with a counselor might be a nice wake-up call.

Might I ask...why is it so hard to tell him that you are becoming unsatisfied? How will he react if you tell him? Are you afraid that he will withdraw even farther? Or will he ridicule you?

I'm interested in what happens. I hope this helps...



S.

i can talk about it if He wants me to...but i can also cuddle and curl into a ball into His arms. i like to just lay there for a little while and just not disturb the aftermath of a nice orgasm. You guys know what i mean. When you've just came sooo hard that you're like MmmmmMmmmm....SSSSSsssssssshhhhhhhh.... i thinking talking will just interfere with that moment. But I would like to talk 'bout it. i think it helps the partner realize what they want from each other, and what can be done for it to be better.

His Flower

If I was able to talk about food, music and sex everyday all day for the rest of my life with other passionate people... I would be able to die happy.
I enjoy the anticipation of talking sometimes about it before hand, I love the suprise when it just happens w/o words. I love laying back and basking in the afterglow... and then slipping my fingers by his thighs giving him the "again..please.. now...?" look in my eyes. ((and i don't feel bad if he can't keep up with me)) we have a very understanding relationship and we talk and we keep things open alot. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk after and sometimes I don't either, but usually after something really new or really good or just "beacause" we talk till our bodies can't move our lips or form thoughts.

I like the silence too sometimes. ya know the silence when everything you're thinking you know your S/O is thinking as well, and a look and a kiss and snuggle is all the "talking" that is to be done... an understanding loving silence. I enjoy those as much as talking.

I only wrap myself up afterwards towards the end or beginning of a relationship, and I used to put my panties back on right after, it was sort of comforting after he would ravage me lol. I had an ex that refused to take his socks off... it was so weird, but I would smile everytime we made love and his socks were kicked off... the level of comfortability raised and all, its nice to grow together and get past things in AND out of bed

As for the munchies after? I don't know anyone who doesn't get thirsty or hungry after. We order chinese food (I don't know, it is our thing...chinese food) ... and we would always have sooomething in the fridge that we loved to eat... and we would relax and talk a little and snuggle, then get antsy and hungry and I would warm the food and he would pick up his guitar... it was nice. (( Kind of like that teen movie where julia stiles/and i think freddy prinze jr... they would get pie or cake it was cute..they broke up he drank her shampoo.. ::shrug:: lol))
I wonder sometimes what other couples "thing" was after sex. What food they always crave, something silly that also unites us all

sheath said:

I'm glad, Ang, that you felt compelled to write what you did. Your frustration shows in your words.

Maybe it's so difficult for you to reveal fantasies, or even let yourself go enough to think of a few, because you don't have any return on that investment, so to speak. It's a really disturbing thing to reveal your fantasies and dreams and then get nothing at all in return. I have been with men who did that...asked me what my fantasies were, and I gladly opened up, but when it was THEIR turn I got nothing from them at all. No fantasies, no attempt to act them out, nothing. And it made me self-conscious, sad, and angry.

You did something really helpful by offering to write down thoughts and fantasies...the fact that he doesn't want to take even that step would make me demand on the next step...counseling. Something is missing there if he's not even willing to try.

And if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Your self-esteem is being affected by his reluctance. :::snip:::
perhaps taking that step to counseling will show him that there really IS a problem...right now, he might think that since you don't tell him that you don't like it, all is fine and dandy. You casually mentioning that you made an appointment with a counselor might be a nice wake-up call.

Might I ask...why is it so hard to tell him that you are becoming unsatisfied? How will he react if you tell him? Are you afraid that he will withdraw even farther? Or will he ridicule you?

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You make a lot of good points, Sheath.

And here is why they are great ones: we have been to counseling twice now, fairly recently. I have been going by myself for severe post partum depression (and any other kind imaginable) for almost a year now. I am VERY SLOWLY getting better -- group therapy started about a month ago is really helping.

I posted a different thread a while back about PTSD and its effect on sexual relationships. That thread was me trying to get more information on what we learned in our counseling sessions. SO is a combat veteran. I can't say war because 'they' don't call Bosnia a war. Still, he carries a lot of weight on his shoulders to this day about things he has done, seen, and not been able to do. HIS first appointment with life skills (I love how they try to be PC on military bases, calling mental health "life skills") is this Friday. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about how much he must love me to agree in the first place to go to couples counseling and THEN agree to go by himself too. I think it was harder for him than most to agree to any kind of counseling because his supervisors will be told about it. Granted, they will not be told specifics, but the fact that they will know a)that he is being seen, and b)the exact diagnosis, I'm sure really scares him.

Ironically, HE was the one coming up with the idea to write things down every month and slip them to each other. I don't want to say that he doesn't want to do it anymore, but I think he LETS himself forget because of his fear of opening up. I know this isn't just my problem, and I'm fairly certain that I'm not the cause of these problems. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Back to my fear of telling him ANYTHING about the sex we have had. I can rationalize all I want in my head that he loves me, will never leave me, that I would help our sex life greatly by opening up, but that all stays in my head. Can't get it to come out.
What really happens is I clam up, terrified that if I tell him something hurt or could feel better or that I would like it more *this* way, he will be offended. Or I will hurt his feelings. Then my mind escalates the imagined problem and I foresee him leaving me for greener pastures (the kind he had before he met me -- I know, another untruth that I can't get out of my mind) or never have sex with me again because he'll think he can't please me. This keeps building until I become unhappy with myself for not communicating with him, and unhappy with him for not being able to read my mind and take me to oblivion. It's not that he never gets me to orgasm, it's just usually the same old way (oral) and then when we're having sex, he gets to this great position that if he would only keep going I would die of happiness. Instead, he climaxes, relaxes on top of me for a bit (which I love) and then rolls over, usually to either get dressed or go to sleep cuddling. This is great. But by this time I'm ready for another one because he got me ready and I don't want to kill his afterglow by saying "honey, can you maybe do that some more with your fingers?"

Long again. I think I need a rambling checker instead of one for spelling.

Ang

Probably way OT

I have the opposite problem. Sex is the ONLY thing my spouse and I can talk about anymore without getting into an argument, and the bedroom is the one place we aren't at odds with each other.

The past few years have been very emotionally stressful for him and have made him a very unhappy person. I'm sure he is suffering from depression, but he refuses to go see a doctor or talk to anyone about what is bothering him. He swears there is nothing wrong, but everyone around him can see the difference in him and how miserable he is making himself and his family.

I miss the person he used to be, and the only time I get to see and connect with that man is when we are making love. I don't want to keep living our lives this way, but short of leaving him I am at a loss as to what to do. Each time I have tried to talk to him about it it ends up with a huge blow up, and I'm to the point where I am getting tired of trying.

Excellent question Sheath!

For a very long time I would find that I was closed mouthed with my husband on the matter of sex which struck me as very odd since I wasn't closed mouthed with either my friends or any of my other lovers. Prior to my husband if a lover wasn't rocking my boat I had no problem at all saying what they were doing wasn't working for me and could we try some other postion/technique, but with hubby nothing!! I would just keep my silence. I finally figured out that for me any way I was enough in love with him that I trully cared if his feelings were hurt. I didn't want him to think poorly of our relationship and so I pretended it was all good even if it wasn't. Like Ang I wouldn't say a word if something hurt me, or if a technique didn't get me off, or if I wanted more, and the frustration that he didn't magically sense this began to build a serious wall between us. After a few years I had gotten to the point where I almost expected to be let down by sex with him, to leave unfulfilled. He sensed the distance growing but had no clue as to it's source as things only got worse. It took couples counseling and alot of trust on both parts to get past it, but slowly we are.

Re: Probably way OT

Invisible One said:

I have the opposite problem. Sex is the ONLY thing my spouse and I can talk about anymore without getting into an argument, and the bedroom is the one place we aren't at odds with each other.

The past few years have been very emotionally stressful for him and have made him a very unhappy person. I'm sure he is suffering from depression, but he refuses to go see a doctor or talk to anyone about what is bothering him. He swears there is nothing wrong, but everyone around him can see the difference in him and how miserable he is making himself and his family.

I miss the person he used to be, and the only time I get to see and connect with that man is when we are making love. I don't want to keep living our lives this way, but short of leaving him I am at a loss as to what to do. Each time I have tried to talk to him about it it ends up with a huge blow up, and I'm to the point where I am getting tired of trying.

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Even if HE won't go see a doctor or counselor, I recommend that you do so. A counselor or therapist can help you process the feelings of loss and frustration that this situation is causing. They may also be able to help you identify things you can do to help improve the situation. If your husband is willing to go with you, that would be best, but even going by yourself will be helpful.

Re: Probably way OT

Invisible One said:

I have the opposite problem. Sex is the ONLY thing my spouse and I can talk about anymore without getting into an argument, and the bedroom is the one place we aren't at odds with each other.

The past few years have been very emotionally stressful for him and have made him a very unhappy person. I'm sure he is suffering from depression, but he refuses to go see a doctor or talk to anyone about what is bothering him. He swears there is nothing wrong, but everyone around him can see the difference in him and how miserable he is making himself and his family.

I miss the person he used to be, and the only time I get to see and connect with that man is when we are making love. I don't want to keep living our lives this way, but short of leaving him I am at a loss as to what to do. Each time I have tried to talk to him about it it ends up with a huge blow up, and I'm to the point where I am getting tired of trying.

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I would go see someone, but I would also do this with your husband. Write notes and have him write back. To me, it seems people are willing to open up more with the written (or I guess now adays typed) word then with speaking, especially when there is a distance problem. If he knows the distance is there, I think he will want to work to correct this. Do you other Liters think this might work? Or am I way off base (never been married)

-Phil