How to Understand Addiction and Recovery?

Hey, all.

I'm looking for some personal slants here, on what is probably a very sensitive issue for some.

I have a wonderful friend, a man I have gotten to know much better in the last few weeks. He has a pretty significant history of cocaine and heroin addiction. There was a time, right before he 'got his ass hauled into recovery', as he put it, when he had a habit of taking a hit every few hours, all day and all night. He was an addict from the time he was in his mid-twenties. He is 35 now, and has been clean for three years.

He tells me this is something he struggles with every single day, and probably will continue to struggle with for the rest of his life. He IS clean, but sometimes it is very hard, and he says he might be literally one breath away from taking another hit before his common sense kicks in.

He and I have talked about it quite a bit, especially over the last few days. He tries to describe what it was like to be in the grips of the addiction, to deal with the shock of giving it up, and now being strong when sometimes all he wants is another hit. But no matter how hard he tries to explain it to me, he simply can't say what he needs to say...he can't find the words. And he desperately wants me to understand that part of him. I want to understand, too. His strength in the aftermath is one of the things that makes up who he is, and that fact alone makes me want to learn more.

I did do an extensive search on cocaine and heroin addiction, and came up with the usual suspects...lists of symptoms and effects, lists of support groups and the like...

What I'm wondering is this: What happens inside a person who has an addiction? What does that craving feel like? What kind of emotions and changes do you go through when you finally kick the habit and face life without the drug?

And most importantly...for those who have had a friend or a loved one go through this manner of hell and then come out clean on the other side...what was the best support you could give? What did you offer to him/her that was helpful?

Thanks, all.

S.

only another recovering addict can trully know and understand what it takes/feel like.

i wish there were an easy way to try and give you the understanding you're looking for, but i have never been able to get anyone but another addict to know, really know what i'm talking about.

btw, i am nearly 20 yrs clean, and i struggle each moment of every day.

(growing up on a yacht, i was exposed to the seedier side of life very early, and became addicted to cocaine at the age of 14.
i stopped cold turkey at 17.
i am now 35.)

warrior queen said:

only another recovering addict can trully know and understand what it takes/feel like.

i wish there were an easy way to try and give you the understanding you're looking for, but i have never been able to get anyone but another addict to know, really know what i'm talking about.

btw, i am nearly 20 yrs clean, and i struggle each moment of every day.

(growing up on a yacht, i was exposed to the seedier side of life very early, and became addicted to cocaine at the age of 14.
i stopped cold turkey at 17.
i am now 35.)

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I think that is the frustrating part of this...he really WANTS me to be able to understand, but he cannot explain it well enough for either one of us. He tries to find words that just aren't there, I guess.

And congratulations to you on being clean.

You have such incredible strengths, warrior queen. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here on this board.

S.

sheath said:

I think that is the frustrating part of this...he really WANTS me to be able to understand, but he cannot explain it well enough for either one of us. He tries to find words that just aren't there, I guess.

And congratulations to you on being clean.

You have such incredible strengths, warrior queen. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here on this board.

S.

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heh.... yeah....

now i just gotta quit smoking *sigh*

and i'm finding that much harder to do.

but thankyou

*pat on the back to WQ* It's nice to hear something positive these days.


I don't know if this will help but it might shed some light from a different perspective. I've been clean from a few indulgence addictions for some time but alcohol was the hardest for me and it's been over 9 years now.

One way to describe it is being in the grip of a toxic love relationship. It feels like love lost and whether it's a healthy heartbreak or more often an emotionally addictive relationship the pain is similar. A gnawing need deep inside of you to have someone that doesn't want you in return. A brief spark of hope that maybe things will be different at each encounter but sadly the betrayal returns and hurts worse each time.

In the absence of the desired one, thoughts are consumed with their return and the mind races to plan the encounter to perfection. Previous pain is overlooked in anticipation of the relief obtained in the feeling of security provided. No matter if it's a false sense of security, it's still better than the deafening silence of loneliness.

Anticipation.....lust...excitement....passion....euphoria.....self doubt...guilt......anger.....remorse.....resolve.....resignation......
.......futility......despair.....worthlessness........anticipation.....lust..
.excitement....passion....euphoria.....self doubt...guilt......anger.....remorse....
.resolve.....resignation......futility......despair...
..worthlessness..........................until the cycle is broken.......



.....and it it's realized that the new feeling is not deprivation from being allowed that pleasure ever again but resolve that no one could possibly force you to endure that insanity again.

First to accumulate in recovery is minutes and moments. After enough minutes have been accomplished the goal becomes counted in hours and then days. Eventually days become weeks and build into months and even years. I fell out of favor early on with "the program" because of my individuality but AA has done wonders for many. I disagreed with their concept of being aware of the addiction constantly to avoid being taken by surprize and a relapse. I felt that the addiction was best to be put out of focus and new thoughts had to be persued. To value the long term goal of clean and sober is to see each day as a deposit in a savings account and any withdrawl on that puts you back at 0 to begin again. Those accumulated days gain great worth when it's felt that no one can take those away from you if you remain strong.

Deprivation instead becomes dedication.

People still ask "Oh, did you have a drinking problem?"
"I didn't think so but the people around me did." "...and it was more of a stopping problem than anything else."

There's nothing wrong in being an alcoholic as long as one doesn't drink.

Your friend is lucky to have someone who cares enough to want to help.

Anticipation.....lust...excitement....passion....euphoria.....self doubt...guilt......anger.....remorse.....resolve.....resignation......
.......futility......despair.....worthlessness........anticipation.....lust..
.excitement....passion....euphoria.....self doubt...guilt......anger.....remorse....
.resolve.....resignation......futility......despair...
..worthlessness..........................until the cycle is broken.......

what still gets me, is the complete and utter
SELF-LOATHING i get when the thought of giving in pops into my head.

like, i'll be having a stressful day, and the thought will just come up, unbidden, of how much easier my life was when i was a teen, and doing coke........

.........and then i absolutely DESPISE myself for a long time afterwards for even thinking that.

even typing it now has me in my hatred cycle - and i think that's the main reason we find it soooo very hard to talk about - because i know how much i have to go through emotionally when i just think about that time in my life, let alone talk about it.

*sigh* and i will pay for this post too.

Sheath Hi , can't give you any personal slants other than I've seen at least three good lives tragically wasted though addiction to heroin. A writer here at Lit has written a little article on the subject of helping folks with addiction and at the end of the article has listed a few recommendations for more info, I thought it could be useful. Good luck.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28067

herecomestherain said:

Sheath Hi , can't give you any personal slants other than I've seen at least three good lives tragically wasted though addiction to heroin. A writer here at Lit has written a little article on the subject of helping folks with addiction and at the end of the article has listed a few recommendations for more info, I thought it could be useful. Good luck.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28067

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i read that and i'm crying.

so true.

Imagine I suddenly stop you from breathing. You're going to want that oxygen more than anything and you're going to do whatever it takes to get it. When you finally get to take a breath it lasts for about a minute, then you have to fight to take another one.

You don't know why you need it so bad because it doesn't even feel good anymore. The high went away years ago. All you know if that you need that air to live and you feel like without it you'll die. So getting it consumes your life.

Crack and heroin are pretty much the same way. Feel great the first few times. Then you just need it to feel normal. Eventually you need it just to not feel as bad. And the whole time you feel like if you don't get it, you'll die. And then getting it becomes your life.

I'm a drug counselor. The literally hundreds of people I've dealt with who honest to god want help with their addictions, are so caught up in the cycle of getting their drugs that they can't break out even when they want to! And it's not fake wanting to either. It's a sincere desire to get off the stuff. But that feeling like they'll die without it....it's more powerful than anythign you can imagine.

Zen_Life said:

Imagine I suddenly stop you from breathing. You're going to want that oxygen more than anything and you're going to do whatever it takes to get it. When you finally get to take a breath it lasts for about a minute, then you have to fight to take another one.

You don't know why you need it so bad because it doesn't even feel good anymore. The high went away years ago. All you know if that you need that air to live and you feel like without it you'll die. So getting it consumes your life.

Crack and heroin are pretty much the same way. Feel great the first few times. Then you just need it to feel normal. Eventually you need it just to not feel as bad. And the whole time you feel like if you don't get it, you'll die. And then getting it becomes your life.

I'm a drug counselor. The literally hundreds of people I've dealt with who honest to god want help with their addictions, are so caught up in the cycle of getting their drugs that they can't break out even when they want to! And it's not fake wanting to either. It's a sincere desire to get off the stuff. But that feeling like they'll die without it....it's more powerful than anythign you can imagine.

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What is your experience to describe how and why some people relapse so easily? Even some who seem sincere to be rid of the demons that haunted them will cycle right back into it. Excluding abject despair in returning to normal life, what is it that usually happens?

The biggest cause of relapse is not replacing the drug use with something else.

Drug use is usually a MAJOR part of the addict's life. To simply remove it leaves a big empty void. The addict now tries to go through a day with this big dead space in it, when his or her usualy solution to being bored over the last however many years was to get high.

So when you quit drugs, you have to replace the time you spent doing them with something else.

Second most common cause it lack of coping skills. For years a person did drugs to avoid feeling stress, or pain, or grief, or whatever.....so they quit and all in dandy for a few weeks until someone pisses them off, or the cat dies or something and they get all emotional and don't know how to simply deal with the emotions. So they revert back to drug use as the trusty emotion killer.

It's just not enough to WANT to quit. You have to REALLY work hard to quit. You have to change pretty much your entire life and develop ways to deal with life without getting high. And quitting itself is the easy part. Staying quit is the real test of your metal.

hmm i knew it was hard but i didnt know it was THAT hard to overcome the addiction, my older sister got off it herion quite easily and im glad of it !! Zen_Life seems to know his stuff !
hope he can help you understand sheath

Some people can just up and walk away. They are the lucky few. Of course I never see that kind of person in an addictions treatment center so I never hear how they managed to do it.

Zen_Life said:

The biggest cause of relapse is not replacing the drug use with something else.

Drug use is usually a MAJOR part of the addict's life. To simply remove it leaves a big empty void. The addict now tries to go through a day with this big dead space in it, when his or her usualy solution to being bored over the last however many years was to get high.

So when you quit drugs, you have to replace the time you spent doing them with something else.

Second most common cause it lack of coping skills. For years a person did drugs to avoid feeling stress, or pain, or grief, or whatever.....so they quit and all in dandy for a few weeks until someone pisses them off, or the cat dies or something and they get all emotional and don't know how to simply deal with the emotions. So they revert back to drug use as the trusty emotion killer.

It's just not enough to WANT to quit. You have to REALLY work hard to quit. You have to change pretty much your entire life and develop ways to deal with life without getting high. And quitting itself is the easy part. Staying quit is the real test of your metal.

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The first part summarized my experience and dissent with AA. The therapy value and structure of meetings was really important but a core value was to constantly be aware of one's addiction. This seemed counter-intuitive even for my simple mind. I think many addicts replace one addiction for another that is socially acceptable, like meeting attendance.

My mind is wired to ask why and search for the answers. I always felt that there had to be a deeper physiological imbalance that I was trying to compensate. I know this is a worn out phrase but many of us are self medicating. As I was entering the recovery phase of my life I researched all that I could find to learn.

My thinking was that sobriety through AA was like having a light switch installed in my life. It was a great improvement, but if I could understand how the electricity flowed, how to run the wires and install the switch, then I could make that difference in as many areas of my life as possible.

Recovery

I am in recovery from drugs and alcohol.As I have read here the greatest thing in not relapsing is replacing all that empty time you used to drugs etc. with something else,preferably meetings.All the treatment in the world will not help untill you really want help.I was in treatment 4 times and used after I got out each time.Why you may ask?It was simple my desire to use was more than my desire to stay clean.You hear people speak of hitting their bottom ,well some of us unfortunately have to go a lot lower than others.Well enough rambling hope I made some sense.Usually I don't (burnt up too many braincells I guess)LOL

Two books come to mind that may be of great value in your search, Sheath.

Dry, by Augusten Burroughs. This is a painful, provocative, and persistent memoir of an alcoholic's ride to and through recovery.

A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. This is another memoir of an addict, in this case to alcohol, cocaine, and crack.

I recommend these two books not only because they make articulate statements about what goes on in the minds of addicts, but because they are extraordinarily well written.

Thank you, one and all, for those responses.

After reading them, I am humbled by the small, VERY small glimpse of the struggle my friend survives through every day. I always knew he was a strong person, but I never realized just how strong until I began reading the posts on this thread. Even now, I think the depth of his strength will be something I will never fully know. How could I, possibly, having never been an addict myself?

Every story here is filled with courage. Thank you for sharing so much here, and for helping me learn.

S.

sheath said:

Every story here is filled with courage. Thank you for sharing so much here, and for helping me learn.

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CMT, the Country Music Television channel, has a special about addiction in the Country music industry over the years.

(See the schedule here: http://www.cmt.com/shows/schedule/series_sched.jhtml?seriesID=12991 )

From the promo clips, there are some good interviews with recovering addicts in the show.

I don't know if it will help you understand addiction, but at least it includes some good country music clips, too.

I an quite sure I will get flamed for my post but some of my friends might defend me if it comes to that. So anyway here goes.

I am currently am sturggling with an addiction, not to drugs , but to self mutilation. It may not seem like something one could get addicted too but for me being able to control one's pain, is/was a truly addictive experience. I haven't cut in about 4 months but every day is a struggle not to do so. Part of me feels powerless that I now have little control over my pain and emotions. Another part of my feels like I have lost a tool to cope with my emotions. Some days it is very hard to not pick up a knife and go to work on myself. I know that I will be struggling with the addiction for the rest of my life, but it something I have to do. I

I know it might be hard to understand how someone could be addicted to hurting themselves but I have tried to give my insight into how some addicts might feel. I I hope that I don't get flamed too bad for this post, but there is my 10 cents.

Kemet said:

I an quite sure I will get flamed for my post but some of my friends might defend me if it comes to that. So anyway here goes.

I am currently am sturggling with an addiction, not to drugs , but to self mutilation. It may not seem like something one could get addicted too but for me being able to control one's pain, is/was a truly addictive experience. I haven't cut in about 4 months but every day is a struggle not to do so. Part of me feels powerless that I now have little control over my pain and emotions. Another part of my feels like I have lost a tool to cope with my emotions. Some days it is very hard to not pick up a knife and go to work on myself. I know that I will be struggling with the addiction for the rest of my life, but it something I have to do. I

I know it might be hard to understand how someone could be addicted to hurting themselves but I have tried to give my insight into how some addicts might feel. I I hope that I don't get flamed too bad for this post, but there is my 10 cents.

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*hugs* Kemet

I for one, will come to your defense, should you get flamed here!!

An addiction is an addiction, whether it's drugs, alcohol, self mutilation, food, sex, or even Lit. for that matter.

I myself can become addicted to anything.....I have that kind of personality....

I think it's wonderful that you're doing so well, keep up the good work!!! I'm so proud of you.......

I am a recovering alcoholic and all i can say is, it's a cunning, baffling and powerful disease. I had almost 8 years sober, was very active in AA and one day, out of the blue (or so it seemed to me) I picked up a drink. Easter Sunday, and not a reason to have wanted one......

Prior to that, I had gone through some major tragedies and never picked up a drink, the loss of both my parents after long and debilitating illnesses......and my younger sister was killed by a 15 yr old drunk driver.........through all of that, I never even thought of picking up.......quite the opposite actually.

Addiction is a powerful thing......and if one isn't vigilant, it creeps right back in and takes over....Cunning, baffling and powerful.

These days, I have almost 5 months sober........one day at a time.......it took getting my first DUI to finally sink in that I can no longer DO this shit.......and so i'm just doing what i did 10 years ago......keeping it simple......going to meetings.......and not drinking.....

Kemet, that is a valid post you have there.

Addictions come in many forms. There are addictions like yours to hurting one's self.

There are addictions to food, love, sex, chocolate (I'm not kidding), certain minerals, etc.

In the instance of love, the book Women Who Love Too Much (I can't remember the author off the top of my head) is an incredible read for better understanding and healing.

Addiction can act much in the same way no matter what it is that is behind the addiction. That may earn me some flames, but in my opinion it's true. Sometimes the only difference between an addiction to love and an addiction to various drugs is the lack of the life-threatening potential of many drugs. Both are hard to kick, both cause horrendous withdrawals (physical withdrawals are common with love/sex addiction recovery as well) and both can leave someone feeling completely empty.

Kemet, don't assume that because your addiction revolves around something other than a chemical that it is any less. It is still VERY IMPORTANT to get help with it and WANT to help yourself.

My three.
Ang

Kemet said:

I an quite sure I will get flamed for my post but some of my friends might defend me if it comes to that. So anyway here goes.

I am currently am sturggling with an addiction, not to drugs , but to self mutilation. It may not seem like something one could get addicted too but for me being able to control one's pain, is/was a truly addictive experience. I haven't cut in about 4 months but every day is a struggle not to do so. Part of me feels powerless that I now have little control over my pain and emotions. Another part of my feels like I have lost a tool to cope with my emotions. Some days it is very hard to not pick up a knife and go to work on myself. I know that I will be struggling with the addiction for the rest of my life, but it something I have to do. I

I know it might be hard to understand how someone could be addicted to hurting themselves but I have tried to give my insight into how some addicts might feel. I I hope that I don't get flamed too bad for this post, but there is my 10 cents.

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absolutely all the very best to you kemet.....
stopping self-harm is one of the most difficult things to achieve, and i congratulate you for it.

(i am very active within a community of people, about 25% of whom cut, and so i have seen/dealt with this many times, first-hand)

it is just as valid an addiction as all the rest, and even more confronting than most.

good luck on your journey to wellness

Kemet said:

I an quite sure I will get flamed for my post but some of my friends might defend me if it comes to that. So anyway here goes.

I am currently am sturggling with an addiction, not to drugs , but to self mutilation. It may not seem like something one could get addicted too but for me being able to control one's pain, is/was a truly addictive experience. I haven't cut in about 4 months but every day is a struggle not to do so. Part of me feels powerless that I now have little control over my pain and emotions. Another part of my feels like I have lost a tool to cope with my emotions. Some days it is very hard to not pick up a knife and go to work on myself. I know that I will be struggling with the addiction for the rest of my life, but it something I have to do. I

I know it might be hard to understand how someone could be addicted to hurting themselves but I have tried to give my insight into how some addicts might feel. I I hope that I don't get flamed too bad for this post, but there is my 10 cents.

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I certainly can relate to you Kemet.... I too self mutilate.... I have been working so hard to regain feelings and have seen progress... for me, its a way to distract myself from an uncomfortable emotion... by cutting/picking I change the emotion to physical pain and actually feel good...well better might be a more appropriate word...... I was sexually abused as a child, by my father, and lived in a house of chaos and alcoholic abuse... any feeling I had would be unwelcome, so I turned to food as a young girl....later on to drugs, a little alcohol....but one day I saw myself in the mirror I was doing coke off of and realized that I had to limit myself to 2 lines every 10 minutes and the eyes looking back at me belonged to someone else....that day was a turning point...I used only one more time.... that was 17 yrs ago (I think, I've actually lost count!! yippy for me)...However, this did not repair the damage inside me.... CelticFrog said very well the feelings inside....the worthlessness, the lack of being able to love.... I could go on and on, but this is long enough lol suffice it to say, I went back to isolating from the world, started eating to the point of an eating disorder and finally got a great therapist..... with hard work, I now have tools to cope with uncomfortable feelings (they all were uncomfortable at first, even happiness) but I can now tolerate any feeling, using these tools, know that the feeling will pass and I will not die because of it.....I am now able to feel..... and each and every emotion is a blessing to me....
All the best to everyone - its a hard, difficult topic, and one that hurts so many, but there is life on the other side.... a good, balanced life, with fullness and wonder and tears and pain....but I'll take that anyday to the numbness...
Thanks for letting me share that - each time I share, I let go more of the pain....

I know someone who has a drug and alcohol addiction....

It`s been a very hard struggle for him...for over 20 years of his life he was addicted to cocaine, it ruined his life totally....and he also abused alcohol a lot too.

He lost his wife and kids because of these addictions and they very nearly killed him...he was so close to going over the edge but managed to save himself by going to rehab.

He`d been in and out of rehab a lot and it didn`t seem to stop him, then he lost his job, his wife and kids...i think he hit rock bottom and then decided to save himself and stayed in rehab until he got clean.

He stayed off the drugs and has done since, but the alcohol addiction was a different story.

His 2 parents were alcoholics and always had alcohol around and at 13 he tried it and liked it, and the abuse went from there.

He`s had a few relapses but has been sober for well over a year now...he got divorced but got full custody of his 2 kids...so he has a good reason to stay sober.

as someone who can generally post to just about anything I've been finding myself steering clear of this thread, unsure of what to post or how to help.

I say unsure of what to post mostly because I have struggled through a large portion of my life with a host of addictions and still today face down the consequences of those foolish choices made years ago. I will share and hope that perhaps some insight or aide can come from the sharing.

I will start by saying that I am the daughter of an addict. My mother actively used both pot and speed while I was a child and so drug culture was something I became unfortunatley familiar with. My addictions began at around 13 mostly with pills. My mother had a veritable pharmacy of pain killers and assorted narcotics readily accesible in our family medicine cabinet and I, the oldest, the responsible one, the one who was never allowed to fuck up began secretly taking them to help numb some of my stress. How much stress can a 13 year old have right? Well I was stressed enough that I went looking to drugs for an escape, let me put it that way. I was dumped in inpatient rehab by the time I was 14, my mother refusing I guess to have 2 addicts in the house at one time. While in rehab I was prescribed Xanax (sp) for anxiety and very quickly I became unable to function without it several times a day. At the urging of and with the help of a good friend I managed to wean myself off the anxiety meds and the rehab seemed to have cured me of my need for pills, but all the stress I had been using both to cope with was still there, and so I just became more secretive about using them. My next addiction became food. I would eat to reward myself for good things, eat to numb pain or disappointment, eat to make myself feel good. I would eat and eat and eat and eat and then I would be so damned disgusted with myself for what I had done that I would make myself vomit it all back up and starve myself for days as punishment for my own stupid weakness. This extreme bulimia lasted me well into my teens in fact by the time I was 18 I was 5'2" and weighed in at just under 100 lbs fully clothed. I would purpousely bruise and scratch myself trying to experience any sensation other then the pain, anger, hatred and sheer loathing I felt for myself . Physical pain I could manage, and being able to do so made me feel better about myself.

You see all of my addictions were ways for me to try and deal with feelings I had about myself that I couldn't handle or accept. They were seriously fucked up ways, but that's the way an addicts thinking is, seriously fucked up! It didn't matter that when I took pills I couldn't function or do any of the things I needed to. All I cared about was that I couldn't feel whatever was making me hurt inside. It didn't matter that my bulimia made my teeth turn black and my hair fall out or that my bones were so brittle I would break them if I bumped into something. It din't matter that the bulimia was reeking havoc on my reproductive cycle and my general health, all that mattered was that the pain went away. I may have looked like shit but at least while I was shoveling the food or the pills down my throat I didn't FEEL like shit.

And then there came the turnabout. (My husbands head will swell up like a balloon for this but...) I met the man who would become my husband. For the first time in my life I had soemone who didn't care if my grades were perfect, or I made the cheerleading squad, or got the lead in the school play. I had a person in my life who didn't expect me to make right every fuck up in their lives by going to the right college or marrying the " right" man or being that perfect size 5. David loved me for what he saw underneath all the bullshit and the drama, loved me enough to tell me straightup that he wasn't going to stand by and watch me destroy myself, that I had to get my shit together and face the world. That by hiding from the world I was never going to give the world a chance to see who I really was and that he thought I was a person worth getting to know. And that turned a light on in my head, pulled something out of the fog I was hiding in and made me realize what an unbelievable fucking pussy I had turned myself into. And so I went into recovery...again only this time I was there because I wanted to be! I started going to therapy to deal with my depression and my poor self image and I began to treat both of them by acknowledging the things in my life that had led me to seek out these addictive forms of release.

I am pleased to say that I have not taken a narcotic unless it was prescribed to me for pain management in over 10 years,in fact I often ask the doctors to try and give me something else if they can and make them aware that I am a recovering addict just to avoid putting temptation in my path. I have also not gone on a binge and purge cycle for nearly 6 years, but I find that I struggle with it every day of my life. When things become frantic or crazy in my life the temptation to seek out those old comfort measures can often times be more then I think I can handle. Only a few weeks ago I caught myself wandering the aisle at the grocery after a particularly stressful day unconciously filling my basket with comfort foods to ease my pain. Shortly before I went back to work I found myself halfway through a bag of cookies before I reaized what I was doing. And after both instances I felt such shame at my own weakness that I was physically sickened. It is a hard thing to handle. Somehow though I do handle it. I think part of it is that I now have a support system to fall back on whereas before I didn't. I know part of it is my children and not wanting them to know the pain of living with an addict as I have. Mostly though I know it is because I now no longer want to allow myself to be that weak ever again. I never want to allow anything else that much power and control over me. My own stubborn will is my best ally.

I have known quite a few addicts in my time and for more then a few of us we all turned to whatever our addiction was as a way of managing a pain we didn't know how to handle. We stayed in our addiction because of the familar comfort it provided, even when we knew it was destructive. The lure of a respite from our pain was often to overpowering a compulsion to resist. Many of the addicts I have known have taken their addiction to their graves with them in spite of their best efforts to break free and so I thank God every day that I am able to be where I am today. I know how close I came and I know that I don't want to be there again, but until any addict finds the strength in them to break free of their addictions vice the will never see what they look like from the other side. I honestly beleive that until that happens, and until an addict truly wants to be free there is little those who love us can do but try and steer us down the right course.