How to Get Over a Divorce and Start Over?

My wife of 5 years (together for 7) decided to file for a divorce last week upon my return from being out of town for two weeks (no, she is not cheating on me). I went to see my doctor today for depression and I am going to begin counseling tomorrow. My 34th birthday is in 3 weeks and I feel like my life is completly falling apart around me. Any help and advice anyone wants to offer up would be appreciated.

I'm very sorry to hear about this. Although I've never been in this situation before I do have a few pointers for you, and I'm sure many more will follow mine from those with more experience. First of all, give yourself time. Let yourself cry or yell or whatever it takes to get these feelings out. And don't feel guilty about it afterwards, unless of course it was something illegal. Second, and last for the time being, since you're also on CO, go out and enjoy the scenery. This is a beautiful place, especially where you're at. Go for a bike ride or hike if you're into that, and stop somewhere you can see for miles. Realize just how big this world is, and the beauty of it. Although it's much easier to say than do, remember that things will get better, and the pain will lessen over time. Enthrall yourself in things you enjoy.

I don't know the reasons for the divorce, but divorces always suck. And again, I'm sorry. I hope that you find the path you need to get through this hard time.

Sorry to hear about your divorce Aztecs. I'm celebrating my 34th birthday in four days. My wife who I have been friends with for 14 years, gets cold feet two months before the wedding and starts to go out all the time, especially after she reunited with a long lost classmate. I questioned her and him and she said nothing's. Three months after the wedding, she tells me she needs space and wants to separate. Two months after the announcement, I get tired of her act and kick her out of the house. One week after she leaves the house she starts dating this guy. She admits this to me on her birthday last week and says that this guy used her for sex and companionship but would not acknowledge the relationship any further. Now she wants to reunite and I told her, hmm, probably not. Not unless she totally stops talking to this dude and we go to counseling immediately. And then maybe I can fully trust her. Or maybe not.

Now this dude is running for his life because I have friends who want to kick his ass in the worst way and she may have ruined her best ever relationship. Everyone said we were the perfect couple...she said she doesn't know why she started the relationship with the guy and loves me completely. Yeah right. Don't worry dog, you'll be fine even if you think you won't. You're young enough to recover and take your time. You should start dating and it will help. That's what everyone tells me to do.

I totally know your situation and I think you already did the best thing. You got some help. The first and best thing to do in such a situation is to realize that it is nothing to be ashamed of to look for professional help. So hang in there and go through the counseling, it'll help I hope.
All the best wishes to you,
Snoopy

Aztecs, I'm really sorry about how you're feeling. I agree that you need to attend to yourself, make sure you can do the most basic things like eat, sleep, breathe, function through a normal day.

Remember this day. Remember these feelings. A year from now, you will be a happier man--you have all that future to look forward to.

Divorce

Been there done that,and guess what?I survived and so will you.Yes,it is tough to loose someone you love.I am thankful for every woman who ever crossed my path.This is my fifth marraige.Yes,I know a lot of you are thinking all kinds of crap now.But anyway like I said ,I am thankful for every woman I had anything to do with because they got me prepared for the best woman in the world for me and so this time I have been married for 14 years and still Love and adore her.Don't jump into another relationship.If you need sex go get it but don't fall for every peice of ass you get either.

.....

been there too. My ex hooked up with someone on the net and took off. No warning or anything. We were married for 11 years but no kids. i was a small mess for a few days but i decided that it was her choice and she did not want to work it out. Now i can stay that i am not mad or upset at her for anything. She touched my life and i will never forget. Remember the good times.

It will work out.

Im very very sorry. My mom walked out on my dad two days after xmas. We later found out it was for another man who she had never met...his bday was last week. It was rough, but we got him through it. Dont be scared to lean on other people for support at this time. Look into going to a group counseling session...that could be for you too. I know its so hard...I see it everyday. But every day things get a little bit better and he smiles a little more. You will too. It hurts so bad at first, but time will heal and you will get on with life. Good luck

Aztec..I feel for ya but just remember it could be worse. I was married for 14 and a half years abd found out right before Christmas my wife was having an affair (her second one..the first was like 10 years ago) and I moved out on Valentine's Day. We have two children and we live in Germany (she's German I'm American) so now I'm stuck in this country because I want the kids to have as much time as possible with both of us and although I speak the language, it is difficult living a land that isn't your own. I was only working part-time because I was a stay at home dad for the kids and now I'm still stuck working part-time so I could stay an at home dad for the kids. So basically, I'm 35 years old, stuck in a foriegn land with a shitty job and no family nearby, and having to start my life all over again. No denying it, splitting up from someone who was a big part of your life is a mighty painful thing but it gets better. Enjoy your own company for a while and don't be in a huge rush to get back into the game. Take the time to sort things out in your head and define a new direction in your life.

I've been through almost exactly that situation, and counseling is really the way to go. Hell, I think it's got some good points no matter how emotionally 'healthy' or not someone feels. But it made a big difference for me to talk to a professional and find out that what I was feeling had some validity.

You're getting good advice in this thread, most of which I'd just echo again. But remember that you're not alone, and everything doesn't end now. It hurts, for a good long while it hurts ... but there are always new possibilities in life.

Another veteran of a very brutal divorce. I agree that counseling is a good option. Also, I'd suggest you consider what can begin for you now. It might sound silly but making lists can be very helpful--10 things you would like to see happen next year, for example, or 10 things you like about yourself, and some things you'd like to improve. It's as if you mind has been slammed by a truck. You need to heal, then you need to get back in emotional training. You'll see, though, that things will work out.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply and share their thoughts with me I appreciate it. This board is like a large family.

On Tuesday, I found out that my contract won't be renewed on July 1 because my job is a "luxury" the place I work at can no longer afford.

Hopefully I can find a new job here without having to do a national seach because I'd really hate to lose my wife completely. We have both said we'd like to stay friends if possible after the divorce is final.

Man, when it rains it pours. I will try to take a lot of the things ya'll said to heart in starting my new life.

Aztecs94 said:

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply and share their thoughts with me I appreciate it. This board is like a large family.

On Tuesday, I found out that my contract won't be renewed on July 1 because my job is a "luxury" the place I work at can no longer afford.

Hopefully I can find a new job here without having to do a national seach because I'd really hate to lose my wife completely. We have both said we'd like to stay friends if possible after the divorce is final.

Man, when it rains it pours. I will try to take a lot of the things ya'll said to heart in starting my new life.

Click to expand...

I'm glad you are trying to see this in any positive light you can find...staying friends after the divorce IS possible. My ex-husband and I parted amicably, if painfully...but now, years later, he is very much an important part of my life. We had to work very, very hard to get there. It wasn't only for the kids, it was for 'us' as well. We have a mutual respect...THAT was sometimes the only thing that kept us from heading down the fast track to hatred. But you know...it was worth it.

You have gotten great advice, so I don't have much more to add...other than one thing. Do NOT hesitate to reach out. Sometimes those nights after a breakup get so fucking long...you know that already. And sometimes you think you simply cannot get through another hour. That's when you pick up the phone...you call someone and tell them you feel like you are going crazy...or you could even log onto the board and just start typing, get it all somewhat straight in your head.

You know...this board IS like a big family. Do NOT hesitate to vent. Even if sometimes it feels like no one is listening...I promise you, someone IS.



Take care of you.

S.

sheath said:

You know...this board IS like a big family. Do NOT hesitate to vent. Even if sometimes it feels like no one is listening...I promise you, someone IS.



Take care of you.

S.

Click to expand...

Absolutely. Even some of us who post regularly sometimes just read and absorb because that's the mood we are in. At this moment, Lit reports 288,939 members in total. Of these (many of whom no doubt are no longer active or may be second and third IDs) 519 are currently online (and this does not count anyone who is presently online but in "invisible mode"). In other words, someone is nearly always listening, even if it doesn't appear that way.

Vent, rage, scream. Do not go quietly into the difficult night. We are here.

I got a really good piece of advice 2 years ago that I didn't want to take. Couples counseling.

I wanted him to bring it up and he never did so I was going to be damned if I was going to stay in a relationship that he didn't want to be in or put as much work into. The only reason I didn't pack up was my dog.

Then a friend said to do the counseling, not for the marriage but for me. To be able to leave with a clear conscious that I did everything I possibly could.

The result was the opposite. Hubby and I are still together, we're happier, he's happier with himself than ever and I'm happier.

So I would recommend before papers are signed, if you don't want out, demand the couples counseling. It may surprise her...and you.

Aztec....I am sorry for your situation......I have never been married and do not know the pains of divorce, but do know the pains of love ending....you say your life is falling apart..... the only thing I can say to that is.....sometimes it has to fall apart so you can rebuild your life.... you will come out stronger than before and with more knowledge and heart! All the best to you.

Been there, done that, still have the scars to show for it.

Quiting a marriage is admitting somewhere along the line you failed in one of the biggest choices you could ever make. It hurts, it destroys your self-image, its depressing.

Now is the time to call in some markers. I don't mean go get the cash your friends owe you, but take advantage of the fact that you still have friends and family that you can rely upon. I didn't bother with the counciling routine, I just made it clear to my family and friends how bad things were at home and how relieved I was that I wouldn't be stuck in that hellhole for the rest of my life. My friends and family supported in my decision and it was still the hardest thing I have ever done even with their support. I too also lost my job shortly after leaving my ex. It sucks big time.

Get out, look around, see those people with the bumpy chests? They are women! The world is full of them and to be frank, you've been on a steady diet of one meal only, now you can sample at the buffet table.

Some people can maintain friendships with their ex. Mine and I can barely speak on the phone and we're 2,800 miles apart. More power to those that can maintain friendships, but don't expect to count on it. You two may try to remain friends and still find its not possible.

Aztecs

Edited...

Reading this thread has really made me wonder about things in my life, and I realize how good it is to vent things.

I've been married 10 yrs now, together for 14, 3 kids, all rather young that I adore. My wife cheated on me in our first year of marriage, with my best friend, who was also my best man. Enough heartache there alone. She did not tell me until after we had our first child. What she told me sounded innocent, it hurt, but innocent... just kissing she said. So I forgave and forgot... so I thought. Then right before we were trying for our second, I had a huge falling out with the friend. He didn't know I knew, I just tried to patch things up internally, anyway, on a gut instinct, I asked her, pushed really, found out that more happened. So now I know that they kissed and she says he fondled her, but that she didn't do anything at all. All this happened when I was in a job that I used to travel like every other week. By this time now I've switched jobs so that I travel hardly ever. Obviously trying to make things better.

So after hearing more things happened, I end up leaving on Father's day, of all days, when she tells me we are pregnant with our second. I was gone for 4 months, filed for divorce, and even in that time got emotionally involved with a girl online. Never met. Realized now that I was venting to her, it wasn't her that I needed.

I returned to my wife then, b/c the thought of not being with my kids tore me up. Now 4 yrs later I still feel like I can never have that peace with her again. We've been through counseling. I don't think she is cheating again, we've since moved, but I guess I'm so deeply hurt that the thought of being with her the rest of my life is hard. I sacrificed so much for her and I still feel I do only to live in a very constricted relationship now.

I don't care for the idea of divorce, but I know it is an option. I've not been perfect either in the past few years b/c I was so hurt by her, I justified finding my own thing on the side, reality was I found D/s and while I enjoyed it, I never enjoyed it sexually, meaning I always play the Dom but I've never had any sort of sexual relations. Regardless, I know this is just as much cheating as she did. I don't know if she had sex with my friend, I wish I did really know, it would make it easier for me. If she did, I'd leave. Just like that. Perhaps that is why she won't ever own up.

I finally emailed him a couple years back, told him I knew. Truly closed the door there, see he was married back then, and still is. So obviously he doesn't want the secret out.

I think mostly I'm venting, but, if any of you have productive thoughts to share on this, I'd like to know. Part of me wants to see if I can "trap" her online and see if she might be still talking to him or someone else, or even looking. Vindictive I suppose, or just the peace that I want to justify for my own emotions a decision to leave. Appreciate your listening.

You left your wife and kids because your wife made out with some guy? I hope there was more to the story than that. If not, forgive her, if you can. We all make mistakes, and that was a little one, relatively.

Also, re divorce, realize that your body will be in a down state for a good while. At the same time, you may be wanting to prove certain things to yourself. Realize that the two dynamics don't work well together. Go easy on yourself. If you start dating, understand that your engine might run too fast, or too slow, for a while.

homunculus said:

You left your wife and kids because your wife made out with some guy? I hope there was more to the story than that. If not, forgive her, if you can. We all make mistakes, and that was a little one, relatively.

Also, re divorce, realize that your body will be in a down state for a good while. At the same time, you may be wanting to prove certain things to yourself. Realize that the two dynamics don't work well together. Go easy on yourself. If you start dating, understand that your engine might run too fast, or too slow, for a while.

Click to expand...

maybe i didn't explain this clear enough... she only told me that he kissed her and fondled her. all of this was done when i was out of town. he was over at my place SEVERAL times. When confronted, they both deny anything more. However, they both had always flirted HEAVILY. Those that know them and know the situation don't believe it was just making out once and that's it. Like I said, when I thought it was just kissing, I moved on. But there was more there.

*shrugs* it goes a lot deeper than just the physical, it's the emotional that she did it, in our 1st year of marriage, knew if she ever cheated, I said I'd leave, lied about it, refuses to own up to more... anyway. lot more there for me anyway.

Been there. All very painful. Thanks for sharing.

MasterSki_30 said:

I don't know if she had sex with my friend, I wish I did really know, it would make it easier for me. If she did, I'd leave. Just like that. Perhaps that is why she won't ever own up.

<SNIP>

Part of me wants to see if I can "trap" her online and see if she might be still talking to him or someone else, or even looking. Vindictive I suppose, or just the peace that I want to justify for my own emotions a decision to leave. Appreciate your listening.

Click to expand...

First things first...yes, it helps to vent. And yes, you can vent here, and find a listening ear. Welcome to lit.

I noticed these two things I quoted up above. I don't blame you for looking for the peace you need to justify leaving. It think anyone in your situation would do that, only maybe they might not be honest enough to say it.

You don't trust her...at ALL. You don't trust her to be truthful or faithful. Not only did 'something' happen, but she didn't tell you for a long while...and when she did tell you, you didn't get the whole story. You might never get the whole story.

So, you have chosen to live with this. You say if she had sex with him, it would make your choice easier. I think you already know that an affair of any kind, of any duration, is NOT about the physical body. It has nothing at all to do with sex. The sex is just the symptom of the problem. In my opinion, what she did with him...the kissing, fondling, doing it more than once, and then lying about it...was just as bad as if she had slept with him. The emotional ramifications are the same...only in this case, perhaps they are worse, since you will never REALLY know one way or the other what she was doing when you were trusting her to be faithful.

If this next part sounds preachy, please forgive me...but it's honest, one of those 'as I see it' things. As a mother, I understand the pain even the thought of putting your children through a divorce can bring. But I have been there, dealt with a cheating spouse, and I had to ask myself which was better...falling into a gradual hatred and disrespect for my now-ex-husband, or getting out and trying to create a different kind of life. That said...Your words drip with resentment. Resentment breeds contempt, and you are almost there, my friend. The worst thing you could possibly do for those children is let that contempt for their mother grow. They sense it, they feel it, and no amount of talking can change that inner intuition those children have.

Bottom line? (Like, okay, sheath, what is your point here?) If I were sitting down with you over a nice cup of coffee and discussing this situation, I would give you the name of a good marriage counselor. Then I would tell you to sit down with the wife, explain all you feel, and explain you cannot work through this on your own. Then it is her move, and what she does in response should be all the answer you need on whether or not she is willing to do what it takes to regain your trust.

And then ask yourself...do YOU want to allow her to regain it?

If the answer is yes, then do it. If the answer is no, then...well, then things are pretty obvious.

That's my ramble...

S.

Sheath ...


very very helpful comments on what I shared. I'm going to take some time to think about all of this. I appreciate your thoughts, your sharing of experience, and your advice as well!