Advice on relationship w/ past abuser

Here is a brief over view of the situation:

I am 23 and my father has been out of my life since I was approximatly 3 years old. My mother and he got a divorce at that time, he had no custody rights and a restraining order. He was not formaly charged with sexual abuse of me, however the child psycologist who worked with me concluded that there was a definat history of abuse. I had phobias of men who looked like him and a few other items triggered fear as well but it was all direceted at the abuse.

His family and he had violated the restraining order a few times, in the way of phone calls but nothing in person. I had grown up very afraid of him. However, I have delt fairly well with those issues. I have let go of the feer and anger. After I was married I sent him a pic, and outlines rules for starting contact on my ground. We have gotten to know each other via internet for the past year.

I have realy liked getting to know my father and think that it is good thing to start and maintain a relationship of some sort.

But I am left with a few issues still. I want to bring up the abuse in the past but don't know how to do it. Or maybe bringing it up is dumb move altogether?

*Has anyone been in a silimar situation or perhaps have ideas they would like to share, i would greatly appreciate it**

THANK YOU!!!

I do not have personal experience with your type of situation. But, I would like to wish you luck. You have a lot of courage. Take things at your own pace, and if you are in a therapeutic relationship, try to work things out with your counsellor.
BE26

Do NOT trust him. Do get yourself a therapist or coach of some kind to help you thru any initial meetings you might plan. It is too easy to get sucked into something or believing someone because you want to. These people arent safe. Ever. (I'm not talking about physically necessarily at this age, more emotionally.) He is likely to deny it, if you ever bring it up, and to accuse your mother of all sorts of things. That's typical. He is also likely to be very careful and kind at first because he wants you back in your life. sigh. These people are like anyone else in that they want families, too, want their kids to love them. But they are also different. Selfish. Not good boundaries. If you want to do this, and I remember wanting to forgive and forget at your age, decide what you want, set strong boundaries and stick to them. For instance, I'm never comfortable letting this person hug me hello or touch me in any other way. This is understood and accepted now. The best thing that person did for me was let me rant and rave for a while when I needed to. You were much younger when you got out so maybe you don't need that. What DO you need? Decide that, and set the terms. Have someone you trust go with you at the first meeting, if there is to be one, and not your mom, as they will likely get into their own stuff.

If you want to bring up the abuse, write down what you want to say to make sure you get it out. Decide Beforehand what you want to say or do when he denies it. I can almost guarentee you that he will deny it. If he doesn't deny it, and apologizes, you will be in a Very rare situation. So just expect it and don't let it throw you off. Don't decide to believe him based on what he says either. He's had a lot of practice and a long time to get his story straight.

Don't know what else you are looking for, but good luck. Hugs.

you have a PM

.

It sounds as if you have reached a point where you feel strong enough to confront the past and deal with any negative or positive outcomes accordingly. That takes a lot of strength. It is not easy to do, but I think if it is something you feel is necessary now, it is healthier than trying to bury it. You need to ask the questions that are in your head and heart, you need to feel validated from the one who abused you, and you need to know you are now in control and can deal with the past and move on.

He also needs to face what he did, not in a necessarily vindictive way, but a way which takes responsibility for his actions and with a lot of luck can begin a healing process which will benefit you most of all, but also may allow hope for a future which is more honest, trusting, and fulfilling for both of you. He is your father and it is obvious from your words you can not disregard that and feel a need to find some middle ground from which to move forward with your life, not have this forever hanging unresolved over your head and in your heart. Hanging onto the hurt and anguish is tempting, but in the end the one who suffers most from such a decision is going to be you.

I am not saying what he did is right, but you also do not have to let it rule the rest of your life, govern your every thought and action....to do so lets the abuser win. You do not have to keep picking at the wound to remind yourself of what happened, it will only destroy you and your future happiness in many ways. Talk to him openly now you have moved far enough to establish this relationship, let him know your pain, but also be open to listen to him and his pain if he opens up to you and admits his actions. It may not happen straight away, it may take patience and tenacity. Most important is to set your boundaries firmly and let him know you believe the abuse took place and will not accept lies from him. That is your right. It may be worth talking to a threapist if you feel you need that extra support through what will be undoubtedly an emotionally and psychologically trying time. Good luck with it all.

Catalina

Please be careful..... professional help would be imperative. While I understand the suggestion to move on, and not allowing this to take over your life, unless you have been there, you can not know.....it never will go away. It does not have to hold you in a prison, but it is always a part of your life. I mean no disrepect to what has been said thus far, but this is not an area where talking just makes everyone ok and able to reattach. It doesn't work that way. My father is still in my life, there is part of me that will hate him forever, part of me that knows I love him, and part that MAYBE can forgive, for his path was not easy either. But this is not a question of meeting for coffee, talking and setting boundaries. It is so all encompassing in a life, there are affects that may not be known to you even now. Seek a professional, talk about what you would like, find out just what brings you to this point, and how you have arrived here. This is about you, not about him. Find out about you, what you are really looking for from him, what are your motivations. We do not have to put ourselves back in harms way.....but unfortunately we often do, sometimes unwittingly.

Please....be safe.

Cate

Cathleen said:

Please be careful..... professional help would be imperative. While I understand the suggestion to move on, and not allowing this to take over your life, unless you have been there, you can not know.....it never will go away. It does not have to hold you in a prison, but it is always a part of your life. I mean no disrepect to what has been said thus far, but this is not an area where talking just makes everyone ok and able to reattach. It doesn't work that way. My father is still in my life, there is part of me that will hate him forever, part of me that knows I love him, and part that MAYBE can forgive, for his path was not easy either. But this is not a question of meeting for coffee, talking and setting boundaries. It is so all encompassing in a life, there are affects that may not be known to you even now. Seek a professional, talk about what you would like, find out just what brings you to this point, and how you have arrived here. This is about you, not about him. Find out about you, what you are really looking for from him, what are your motivations. We do not have to put ourselves back in harms way.....but unfortunately we often do, sometimes unwittingly.

Please....be safe.

Cate

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I for one wasn't speaking from a position of personal inexperience and innocence where abuse is concerned, nor as just a survivor, but a professional also who specialises in areas of traumatic abuse. It never goes away, but you can make a choice at some point to hold on to the negativity 100% or move forward and deal with it as best as you can. V sounds as if she has done a lot of groundwork which would be sad to now throw away and go back to living fulltime with the pain, hatred, and fear. She does not have to keep reinforcing those feelings and crippling herself with them when she finds she is ready to try an alternative. And as you say, professional support can be good, but also depends on the outlook of the professional. Not all advocate for reconciliation or having any contact with the abuser.

Catalina

Different situation, but kinda the same...

My father and I did not speak for six years. When I was sixteen, my parents went through a very ugly divorce, and I was called to testify to certain things during the custody hearing. Needless to say, my father lost custody of me and the other children. He was handed supervised visitation with the younger ones and in the end, received a black mark on his record for wanton endangerment and lost his medical license.

It was not pretty, and the hatred was evident.

Then I had my son, and my father decided to contact me again. He wanted to have a relationship with his grandchildren. At first I balked, and I balked HARD. I mean, this guy wanted to be involved with them when he and I hated each other with every fiber of our beings? But in the end, I chose to allow him supervised visitation with them (supervised by me and someone else), at certain times during the year, such as during birthday weeks. So far it has worked out alright.

What worked for me? I laid out the rules. I made the decisions and whatever those decisions were, he had no right to complain if he didn't like them. It was all on MY turf, by MY guidelines, and he was never to cross those or even push them, because if he did, all contact would end. And I stuck to my guns.

You HAVE to set the limits and then MAKE THEM STICK. If you let those limits be tested and let him win, then you have just undermined your own demand for respect. Think long and hard about what you are willing to allow, what you are willing to discuss, what you are willing to put up with and what will get him shown the door so fast he won't know what the hell happened. Then do NOT waver!

You can make it work, you can have the discussions you need to have...just make sure, first and foremost, it is on YOUR level of comfort. Don't let anyone push you into anything else.



S.

catalina_francisco said:

I for one wasn't speaking from a position of personal inexperience and innocence where abuse is concerned, nor as just a survivor, but a professional also who specialises in areas of traumatic abuse. It never goes away, but you can make a choice at some point to hold on to the negativity 100% or move forward and deal with it as best as you can. V sounds as if she has done a lot of groundwork which would be sad to now throw away and go back to living fulltime with the pain, hatred, and fear. She does not have to keep reinforcing those feelings and crippling herself with them when she finds she is ready to try an alternative. And as you say, professional support can be good, but also depends on the outlook of the professional. Not all advocate for reconciliation or having any contact with the abuser.

Catalina

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totally agree....I meant no disrespect at all!!
just know we need to know our motives, what are we really trying to accomplish.....sometimes, as you know, the survivor wants to gain what was lost...something that can not happen, I can never be that innocent little girl again, I can only be an adult and interact with my father as an adult.....

again..no disrespect to you at all!